Letting Eagle deal with getting everyone out of the room, I headed for the bathroom, turning on the shower to almost scalding temperature before stripping off my clothes and climbing in under the hot water.
It felt like heaven against my skin, washing away the shitty day.
Yesterday had been an exhausting day, but today trumped it tenfold.
I don’t think you’re ever prepared for your childhood to make surprise appearances twice in one week and slap you across the face—literally—especially when you’ve spent more than six years running from it and telling yourself you’ve escaped.
Maybe because I was so happy to see Emerald, so proud of how brave she’d been, that I hadn’t really considered to sit down and talk with her about what was going on back at the place I dared to call home. In the back of my mind, I didn’t think I really wanted to know just how bad things were. I’d forgotten the pain that I’d gone through, and what it was like because it was a long time ago. I’d pushed all that into the furthest places of my mind so I wouldn’t let it impact on who I was today.
I wanted to be a different person, I didn’t want to carry that baggage with me and let it pull me down. All of the abuse, the threats, the punishments and torture, seeing my brother brought it all back in a rush of emotions which I was struggling to control, and with it, a wave of guilt passed over me because I was starting to realize that… yeah, I got out. But I left so many people I cared for there to suffer without a second fucking thought.
I was weak.
I could have gone back, tried to take my siblings with me, attempted to rescue them too.
I could have fought harder.
But I didn’t.
I hid. I buried my head in the sand, and I hid.
I took my punishment, and then when no one was looking, like a coward, I ran.
I didn’t look back, didn’t consider how I was hurting the people I loved.
It was selfish.
Tears dripped onto my cheeks as I turned off the shower and climbed out, stepping through the fine mist that lingered in the air. Quickly drying my body, I was eager to get the hell out of there and be somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn’t alone with my thoughts.
Part of me thought I’d escaped today with a win. Seeing Abel, being able to tell him what I thought of him, letting him know that he couldn’t hurt me anymore, these were all things I’d been dreaming of doing since I was just a little girl, and my father started using him to exact our punishments. I hated him, with everything inside me, I despised him.
He was my older brother, he was meant to be my protector, and for a while I remember him being just that. Then my father took him under his wing and created this monster.
Wrapping the towel around me, I hugged the soft cotton to my body as I stepped out of the bathroom. I needed to get dressed, maybe put some makeup on to hide the blooming bruise on my cheek and my puffy red eyes, and then have the discussion I was dreading, that I was scared was going to do more harm than good.
Frankly, I was embarrassed.
There was a particular shame that came along with being a part of a community that so willingly smothered and degraded women. I knew people would tell me I shouldn’t carry that on my shoulders and they would be right, but the fact that it was my father who was causing so much pain, it was something I simply couldn’t shake. It made me hurt for them, it made me angry that they saw me as part of him, and it made me feel responsible.
“How you doing?”
My eyes were drawn up to the sound of Eagle’s voice. He was sitting on the thick window ledge with his feet propped up on a chair from the tiny table that was tucked into the corner of the room.
“I’m doing okay,” I responded, before making a beeline for my backpack. Luckily, the hotel had a dry cleaning service so my leathers and riding gear which I would need for the ride home, would be clean—smoke and sweat smell free—when we left the day after tomorrow. I’d packed enough outfits for while we were here, but I hated riding long distance on the open road without my leathers for protection.
“You don’t seem…okay,”Eagle responded as I dug out my jeans and a tank top and placed them on the sofa. I heard him climb down from the ledge he was on, but I couldn’t turn around because I knew if I looked at him I’d burst into tears. The softness in his voice was already making me choke up, the way it sounded like he really gave a shit.
I cleared my throat, trying to fight the burning feeling rising up inside that told me the tears were coming. “I’m j-just…” my voice cracked, and I inhaled slowly through my nose and out my mouth before trying again. “I’m just angry at myself.”
He hummed lowly, his warmth moving up behind me. “For what?” he asked.
My fingers fiddled with a loose white towel thread, twisting it in my fingers to the point where it was almost painful, leaving red, angry imprints on my skin. “I’m angry that I left everyone else there to deal with that bullshit while I ran. I’m angry that he can still have this kind of effect on me after I’d fought so long to be stronger than this.”
His body was almost pressed against my back now, drawing my thoughts in an entirely different direction, making me stand a little straighter. “Sounds like you’re thinking too much.”
Things were turning, the air in the room was growing heated, swirling around us. Eagle’s hard torso was now pressed against my back. I clutched the towel a little tighter in my hand, a shiver running through me as I felt his breath against my naked shoulder.
My body had been sore since the confrontation with Abel, the shower had helped some, but now it was aching for a whole different reason, and it was an ache I welcomed, one I craved.