Del was fast though. Thank God for that. She talked to me the whole time, gushing about how lucky I was to have Kit. She told me about how he was fierce and strong, perfect to be taking over from his father as president of the chapter. He was a natural born leader and his loyalty ran deep, but he was also very kind and full of heart.
Listening to her talk about him just told me everything I already knew. He was sexy and sweet and so strong. I absorbed her words, hoping that I would find something to hold onto. I knew that Kit wasn’t going to let me go easily and I also knew that deep down, I really didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted to believe that he meant everything he said, that I could trust him, but so far he had yet to prove to me that it was the case.
I desperately needed him to prove that I could lean on him and have him do whatever it took to keep me out of harm’s way. I needed him to start backing up his shit, because no matter how much I wanted to hold this stuff against him, and throw in his face that he’d left me to get hurt once again, I wanted him. My body knew it, my heart knew it, but my head was having a hard time keeping up with the play and making excuses left, right and center about why I couldn’t be with him.
“She good?” Kit asked, finally returning just as Del had finished wrapping my shoulder.
Del nodded. “Don’t get it wet. Try not to move it as much as possible. Coupla days rest and you should be okay.” She patted my arm in a very motherly gesture. “We’ll catch up soon, hun.”
Kit wrapped an arm around her as she moved to leave, giving her a tight squeeze. “Thanks, Del.” He shut the door behind her and dropped himself into the space she had just vacated. He wiped a hand down his face and leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his spread knees.
“I’m sorry.”
I shifted, trying to get comfortable. “For what?”
He turned his head to look at me and nodded toward my now padded shoulder. “For that.”
“Did you shoot me?” I asked, throwing his words back at him from when we’d fought straight after it happened.
“I may as well have. I didn’t stop it, did I?”
Guilt buried itself in my stomach. I could see in his eyes how much it hurt him to know that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered, not believing the words had come out of my mouth even though I had spent that last twenty-four hours complaining about him not protecting me. Was I being unrealistic? Was I looking for some sort of reason to hate him for claiming me? For taking me when I thought I didn’t want it.
“Do you know why I want you so badly?”
The question threw me, but I answered honestly. “No.”
“I love my family. My mom was the most amazing mom and Old Lady you could imagine. She stood by my dad through thick and thin, she would never leave his side. And my dad? Well, he loved me, he cared for me, and he would’ve supported me with anything I wanted to do. Even if it meant not joining the club he had worked so hard to create.”
I listened to him talk animatedly about his parents, their love for each other, their love for the club and their love for him.
“Their relationship worked because my Mom was strong. She was hard-headed, opinionated, and loyal. But she knew when to have faith in my dad. She knew he made the rules and she knew he made those rules to keep the people he cared about safe. It takes a strong woman to stand next to her man and offer him her strength, knowing full well that her man’s word is law. She might have an opinion about it. She might even hate some of the decisions he has to make. But in the end, she will still stand there next to him and trust in him to do what is best for his family – club family, his wife and children.”
I stared at him in awe, not sure what to say.
“I see that in you, Harm.” He lifted his hand and cupped my cheek. “I knew from the moment I saw you that you had a strength that could rival that of a lion.”
I leaned into his hand, enjoying his tender touch.
“I see you speak your opinion, but you always have respect for the club and its rules.”
“I don’t understand…” I whispered, moving a little closer to him, knowing that he was baring himself to me and wanting more, needing more.
“I don’t want a woman that’s going to sit by idly and let me walk right over her. I want a woman who can stand next to me and offer me her strength and her support, even when I might fuck things up.” He sighed and brushed a hand through his hair. I could tell this was a struggle for him, bikers weren’t well known for expressing their feelings or letting their guard down.
“We moved a lot when I was young, traveling all over the place with different bands.” I looked down at my hands. I didn’t talk much to people about what I’d gone through as a kid, but I felt like he’d shared a part of him with me so I needed to share a part of me too.
His eyes caught mine and he stared intently, waiting for me to continue.
“I’m not sure who my dad is. I’m not even sure my mom knows who he is. But that was never an issue, I had plenty of substitutes.”
“Substitutes?”
I smiled. “The members of the bands we traveled with were mostly okay. Having a kid on tour wasn’t exactly ideal, but secretly I think they loved it. What was rough though was watching them leave.” I swallowed harshly. “Getting to know someone, looking up at them like they were a parent like they were your family, and then watching them walk away to their new venture without even a backward glance at you. It hurt.”
Kit nodded and I could see in his face that he was beginning to understand me. “You got used to it, huh.”
“I did. Some of the guys my mom got involved with, they would treat me like I was theirs. They taught me how to play guitar, what music to listen to, took me out places. Then after everything was done, so were they,” I said with a shrug. It no longer bugged me like it did back then. I’d watched my mother get attached over and over again, crying and bawling when things ended abruptly. The first few times I had cried with her. Wondering why they had been so nice to me if they were only going to leave us? But then I became numb to it. Knowing it was only going to happen again in a month or two.
“Harmony, you know the club, you understand what we are about. We don’t throw the wordsclaimandOld Ladyaround like they are nothing. This isn’t something I’ve done just for fun. I’ve done it because I want you by my side. Not just until I get bored, but forever,” he explained, hooking his hand around my neck and squeezing gently.
“I’m starting to understand that. But it’s not something I can just change. Disconnection is what I’ve taught myself to keep my heart safe.”
“I’ve got all the time in the world, baby.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, they were soft and moved slowly, coaxing my lips open and delving inside to taste me. His hands gripped my hips and wound their way up to my waist. Kit worked my body like I was a puzzle. He was piecing me together, bit by bit, touch by touch, word by word.
I reveled in the moment. My body wanting to feel him, but my head reminding me that in the end, he would leave, just like all the others.
And I would fall to pieces all over again.