CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
I hadn’t heard from Kael at all the next day, and by the time I got home from work I was so exhausted that I barely wanted to undress, let alone shower. Dad and Estelle were still in Atlanta, so thankfully, no Tuesday-night dinner. Elodie wasn’t home, and she hadn’t told me where she was going. The whole day at work I tried to avoid her, because I didn’t want her to sense that something was off with me. I felt like she would know that Kael had kissed me when she looked at me. I didn’t plan on telling her. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her, I just didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t know why, but I wanted to protect whatever this was with Kael from anyone’s judgment or questions.
No matter how much I adored Elodie, managing her curiosity and keeping her entertained were more than I could handle today. I was emotionally drained and, after having two no-shows and a very high-strung walk-in who didn’t tip, I really wanted the house to myself. I collapsed into the cushions of my couch and closed my eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this way.
After a quiet nap, and realizing how badly I needed to relax, I decided on a pampering shower, using nearly every product in the bathroom. I shaved, twice, and even double-shampooed my hair, just to feel more lavish. After the long, hot shower, I combed out my hair, braided it the best I could, and put on the only matching pajama set I owned. They were soft, a silky rose fabric that clung to my body—a gift, of course, from Estelle. Hardly my comfort zone, but I had to admit they looked pretty flattering; if only I had someone to appreciate me wearing them.
My nails were up next. I was really leaning in to this self-care thing everyone kept talking about online. Tiny flakes of sky blue were left on my fingernails, and instead of picking at them like I always do, I grabbed the acetone and cotton balls and headed to my bedroom to get a bottle of white nail polish from the basket on my dresser, along with a candle that I had “borrowed” from my stash at work. On my way to the kitchen I collected a towel from the hall closet in anticipation of my mani-pedi. A cup of tea seemed the perfect accompaniment to my spa-at-home preparations . . . but Elodie and I had finished the supply of tea packets that we’d brought home from the salon. So a cup of microwaved water with a spoonful of honey in it would have to do. I carried the steaming liquid carefully to the living room, pausing to turn on my speaker and Bluetooth, as the honey dissolved into the clear water.
My wrists were a little sore from the no-tip client who was full of demands. He barked at me every time I spoke and didn’t want to pay for a deep-tissue, even though he continuously asked me to use more and more pressure. The joints of my fingers had a dull ache, a manageable but not ignorable type of pain. I decided to paint my toenails first.
Actively not thinking about Kael caused me to think about him. It scared me how comfortable I had become with his proximity, his quiet and intense presence in my house. He had rapidly become a subtle, essential part of my life. But he was very, very clear from the start that we would never be a thing, and I went along with it, acting as if I was used to spending all my time with a guy and not calling him my boyfriend. But after last night, this turned into a more dangerous reality. I had to constantly remind myself not to read too much into that kiss. Even if it was the best kiss of my life . . . But I know exactly what happens when you expect something from people. It never ends well.
I felt the cold polish touch my skin and I jumped a little, dragging the white paint farther down my toe. Thinking too much about him distracted me from being able to paint my toenails properly. I really needed to get it together. I took a sip of the steamy sweet water in my mug and felt the wetness from the end of my braid moistening my back through my PJs, when a knock at the door made me jump. A visitor was the last thing I wanted right now, and I definitely wasn’t expecting anyone, but there it was. I stood up and looked around for my phone so I could check to see if anyone had called. Austin? I couldn’t find my phone, so I gave up and tiptoed to the door as the knocking came again. This time harder. Like the side of a fist pounding against my fragile screen door. I yanked it open to see Kael standing there; his hand was midair and he looked surprised to see me. It had started to rain again, and a mist floated around Kael, clinging to the cotton of his sweatshirt.
“Hey, sorry—is Elodie here?” he asked, trying to look past me.
He was wearing black pants and a gray sweatshirt that had big letters across the front and some sort of seal under them. I tried not to look for too long, but instinctively caught his eyes with mine. A car passed us with its brights on. I loved the way tires sounded on rain-slicked pavement. The street was busy with a continual shushing noise. Even the rain couldn’t keep traffic away.
“Elodie’s not. I’m here alone.”
As I started trying to think of all the things I wanted to tell him about my shitty day at work, Kael smiled at me. It wasn’t a big smile, but it was there, and the corners of his lips turned up, his eyes bright under my porch light.
“Wow. Home alone on family-dinner Tuesday? Who would have imagined?”
“Ha, funny guy is back? It’s actually quite nice to have some quiet. I had the worst day today.” I licked my lips and kept the bottom one between my teeth for a moment. I didn’t even know where to begin.
He looked around, down at my pajamas. I followed his eyes with mine and became hyperaware of how thin the material was, how tight, and how braless I was. He was a friend, a gentleman, and he looked away from my body.
“Well, I’ll go so you can enjoy your castle to yourself. If you see Elodie, can you tell her that Phillip’s been trying to call for like an hour and he’s getting worried. He has less than an hour of phone privilege before he leaves for his next mission, if she can talk.” He effortlessly walked backward as he spoke, down the porch steps and into my grass. The blades shined under the streetlight, and the rain was picking up.
“If she comes home, I’ll let her know,” I called after him. I felt an unexplainable urge to stop him from leaving. My brain couldn’t react as fast as he moved, and I stood alone on my porch, watching him get into his truck. As one of my hands waved to him, the other was at my chest, trying to hold my heart still. So he really wasn’t going to mention the kiss? It’s not that I wanted him to, but I did. I couldn’t decide what the hell I wanted.
He drove away and I stood there, wishing Elodie was home and that I wasn’t so awkward when he was around. I would have traded my alone time, even the long shower, for him to be sitting in my living room. I was surprised as the thought hit me, and even more surprised at how true it was. I really, really wanted him to come back. Maybe I could call Elodie and tell her to come home and keep me company until this pang of loneliness went away? Her husband was trying to get a hold of her, so it would be a win-win.
Deep down I knew that her company wouldn’t fill the void. I tried to push aside thoughts of wanting to be alone with Kael. Feeling brave, I rushed around my house, looking for my phone. When I found it in my room, I clicked on his name and dialed before I could overthink it. My heart raced. This felt different. I felt high. Outside of my body and mind.Why?When he answered on the second ring, my voice spilled over onto the line.
“Karina?” He said my name so calmly, almost like he was suspecting I’d call.
“Um, yeah. Hi. Can you . . .” An excuse didn’t come to me. “Do you want to come back?”
He instantly sounded alarmed. “Is something wrong? Did you get a hold of Elodie?”
Elodie.Our ever-present liaison was there, again. He wasn’t asking about me, he was asking about her.
“No. Never mind. I . . .” The words felt like sand being poured down my throat. “Sorry for bothering you. I haven’t heard from her. Yeah, so bye.” I hung up and threw my phone back onto the bed. This time I wouldn’t forget where I put it.
Now that Kael and I weren’t hanging out, I got panicky about our situation. I felt the need to label it, to make it fit into this box that I had created in my mind of how weshouldbe. We shouldn’t have kissed, even though it was by far the best kiss I had ever had. Literally in my existence. But now we were both ignoring that it even happened, and I began to question everything again. A feeling of rejection bore a hole in my chest. I hated the idea of embarrassing myself in front of him, as I had just done.
I tried to distract myself with physical activity, splashing water on my face and walking back to the living room to finish my toes and start on my nails. I turned the music up louder and desperately tried to think about something else. If my life were more interesting, I would have plenty of things to obsess over. Thinking I heard a knock at the door, I paused the music, but found silence. The crickets chirping around the yard were the only distant sound. I started the song again, the chorus played, and I sang along with Halsey until I heard the banging again.
“Karina?”
I couldn’t tell if I was imagining Kael shouting my name, but I made a promise to myself that if I was, I would eat a melatonin gummy, maybe two, and go to bed before my delusion got any worse. When I heard it again, I stood up, polish bottle in hand, and walked on my heels, trying not to mess up my toenails. He said my name again as I got closer to the door. When I opened it, he was holding his phone and it was ringing on speakerphone.
“The number you have reached—” The generic voicemail greeting began to recite a number. My number. I recognized it as it played between us. If I was a blabbering mess earlier, I couldn’t even imagine how I would seem now.
“Hey,” I said to him.