“If you’re okay, I’m going to bed,” I reassured the both of us.
He nodded and sat down in the chair. That was his way of backing off, I could feel it.
“Do you need a blanket?” I asked from the entrance to the hallway.
“If you have one,” he said, almost under his breath.
I grabbed an old comforter from the closet and quietly brought it to him. He thanked me, and I nodded. I still felt overwhelmed, but Kael’s silent watchfulness and the quiet familiarity of my home made it easier to breathe. I crept down the hallway again and stopped at the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. My routine made me feel like I was accomplishing something. Red flag. I was seeking approval, and according to my last therapist, that was a habit formed from my childhood. This learned behavior then turned up in my relationships, like with my ex-boyfriend Brien, and has now manifested into mostly keeping myself out of them. I washed my hands and rubbed them with lotion, then spit out my mouthwash. I’d brought a T-shirt and shorts into the bathroom, so I slipped them on and turned the light off.
The floor creaked as I walked out. I tried not to look at Kael from the hallway, but I couldn’t stop myself. He was awake, his eyes wide when they touched mine. He looked away and closed his eyes as I went into my room, feeling relief as soon as the door shut.
I lay in bed and listened to the soundtrack of my house. The fridge kicking on and off loudly, the dull drone of the a/c. I listened particularly for Kael to make the smallest of sounds. It occurred to me that I wasn’t worried, even for a second, to leave Elodie alone with him in the living room.Trust?An unfamiliar feeling, but a nice one. I tried and tried to quiet my mind as my body began to fall asleep.
I felt so restless. I turned over, grabbed a pillow, and put it between my legs, hugging it close. I thought about how it would be really nice to have someone next to me in bed. I like living alone, but there were times like tonight when I couldn’t sleep and just wished I had someone to bare my soul to as the dawn came and quieted us both.
Outside of my family and Elodie, it had been almost a year since I’d had human contact that wasn’t work-related. I had never really had that in large or consecutive doses, but Kael was making me feel a bit like I had a crush on him. That little patter of your chest when they look at you, the uncontrollable spells of word vomit. I didn’t know Kael well enough to actually have a crush, and I hadn’t been around men for so long that I’d forgotten what cute ones can do to our brains. I guess that doesn’t really apply to Brien; he was attractive, but it was his charm and the spreadsheets inside his mind that drew me to him. He gave me attention, told me I was hot and smart and should leave this Army town and move with him closer to Atlanta. His job as a government contractor was ending soon, and he wanted to be closer to his parents. As if they weren’t close enough. His mom knew every time we fought. His dad gave me a worried fake smile every time I talked about my job. He was my longest relationship, and, God, did he make me never want to have another one. He liked other girls way, way too much, and that’s what ended us, all three times. I went back twice out of loneliness, or was it self-pity? I didn’t know, but this was the longest I’d gone without going back to him.
He was the only boy I’d dated since I moved here, since high school, when I barely dated at all. Making out with senior boys who didn’t know my name apart from “Austin’s sister” wasn’t exactly dating. Brien’s manipulative charm was addictive, and I had hoped that one day he would actually understand me and find me good enough for him and his parents, although that day never came. But now, after these few months, the spell had finally worn off and he barely crossed my mind anymore.
I rolled onto my back, sprawling my legs and arms out. I moved my arms up and down like I was making an angel in the snow. I should be grateful I get to have the whole bed to myself and I should stop thinking about men, in general. Not Kael, not Brien, not my dipshit brother, and especially not my dad.