CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
When I woke up the next morning, I was even more miserable than I’d been the day before. Would it really get worse every day? For how long? I washed my hair for a while, rubbing my scalp to ease the ache. My neck felt so stiff, my skull so heavy. It wasn’t fair that I was made to feel both physical and emotional pain. What sort of God, or universe—or whatever is up there—allows that? It was just cruel. An unfair punishment. I’m not a crier usually, but I couldn’t hold it in last night, and honestly, I’m not sure if it helped or was a waste of time because I still felt like shit inside and now my head was pounding, my eyes swollen, my skin blotchy and uneven.
The longer I stared at myself in the mirror, the more hesitant I felt about going to work, but Mali’s staffing and my bank account were both running short, so staying home wasn’t an option. I did what pre-Kael Karina would do and dabbed concealer under my eyes, put my hair up, and got dressed. I wore all black to accentuate my mourning and appreciated the morning’s clouds and rain as accompaniment to my mood.
Elodie was still asleep on the couch when I went into the kitchen. I was going to eat a bowl of cereal and make a pot of coffee with the little bit of time I had before work, but I didn’t want to wake her up. Instead, I opened my back door and took a breath, letting the humid air fill my lungs. I closed my eyes and listened only to the rain, letting my thoughts float away with the clouds, until my phone alarm started to vibrate in my uniform pocket. Everything would be fine. Time for work had come, yay. I had left my umbrella leaning against the dryer. I grabbed it and, holding the back door ajar, I tempted fate by opening the umbrella inside the kitchen. Bad luck, but who gives a fuck! At this point, why did that matter? Things couldn’t possibly get worse for me. I rolled my eyes at how dramatic I was being and walked out the door. I thought of Kael when I looked at the lock, and damn it all to hell, I locked the door.
I walked around the side of my house and halfway across the yard before something caught my eye. Kael’s truck was parked in the street in front of my house.Is he really here again?Maybe he had parked and gone somewhere . . . or was he waiting there for someone? I couldn’t tell and thought for a moment to just keep walking past, as if I didn’t notice. The rain felt like it picked up as I passed his truck at a safe distance. I could barely see him through the rain falling on the glass, but could make out the same gray sweatshirt he was wearing when he came here last night.
Did he stay the whole night? My view of his face was distorted by water running down the window, but I could see that his eyes were closed. I had no clue how long he had been there, sleeping in front of my house; my resolve to tell him to fuck off and never speak to me again was wavering, as I stared at his beautiful and calm face, nearly forgetting all of my feelings. I remembered this look from the nights we spent together. It made my chest ache. I wondered if he had slept okay.Ugh, for god’s sake,Karina!The logical part of my brain crushed the romantic part as I turned away and rushed across the street.
So what if he’d slept in his truck for one night? He was responsible for this massive hole in me and I was supposed to forgive him just because he made himself uncomfortable for one night? I’d been miserable without him—frankly, uncomfortable my entire life before him, so I hoped he slept like shit in his truck after all. Why should I feel bad for him? This was infuriating! The amount of empathy I had for him pissed me off. If only I could give myself the same grace that I tended to give other people.
The street was empty except for my neighbor Bradley’s truck. I took a few backward steps, scanning for Bradley as I crossed the street and moved into the alley. Water was suddenly squishing into my work shoes and was soaking me, but I really just didn’t care. I looked back at Kael’s truck through the rain. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was in there, and that was enough. I hated that for a moment I’d worried if he was cold inside his truck.Serves him right,I thought to myself, trying to let anger overpower the rest of my emotions. Immaturely, I lifted my middle finger into the air at him, and even though I knew he wouldn’t see it, it still felt like a tiny, victorious act of aggression.
“You need an umbrella? You’re goin’ to get sick out here like that!” Bradley’s voice startled me, and I snapped my hand back down to my side.
“I have one! Thanks!” I yelled back to him.
How mortifying if he saw me flip Kael off. I lifted my hands, realizing they both were bare. Sure enough, when I looked across the street, my umbrella was sitting opened on the pavement next to Kael’s truck.Shit.
“I’m okay!” I shouted through the pouring rain. No way in hell was I going to go back and get it now.
Bradley’s face showed concern, but he left it at that, yelling back a simple “If you say so!” before he climbed into his truck.
I practically ran to the back door of the spa; thankfully, it wasn’t locked. I was soaking wet but hardly cared; I felt numb, nothing really mattered. My mundane boy and daddy problems were nothing compared to the problems other people had. I knew that. We were all just living on a giant rock, floating in the sky, anyway. By the time I entered the building, I had pretty much shut down, and Mali greeted me with dry towels and a warm hug. She also gave me cotton slippers and put my socks and shoes near the dryer vents. Her small efforts were entrancing and comforting and made me feel like I was in a bit of a daze. It was out of character for her to behave this way, and even more out of character for me to accept her gestures without complaining.
It took me until late afternoon to find my usual professional rhythm at the salon. I was relieved that I didn’t have any of my regular clients today. They would have noticed immediately that I was not myself. It was easier to get through the day with a wall around me. My guard was tested when I stepped into the reception area to find Mali with a scowl on her face, cussing under her breath. I searched around the lobby for the source of her anger and found my umbrella, dry, closed, and propped neatly against the glass window near the door.
I turned around and made it back to my treatment room before I broke into tears.
Life went on like that, both numb and excruciating, for a stretch of days. I worked. I slept. I cried. I may have watched a couple of movies with Elodie. I can’t remember any of their plots. I knew a Tuesday had passed because both my father and Estelle called me. I didn’t bother to call them back and ended up powering my phone off for a full twenty-four hours to see if I could get my life back on track without the distraction of the outside world. This is what my soul needed, to stop comparing my life to everyone else’s online perfection. I needed to find my roots again and remember the life I was building for myself before I met Kael. My self-sufficient bubble. I wasn’t made to fall for someone and then crash on the other side of it.
I’m not sure when it was, how many days post-breakup, that I had come home from work to find Austin waiting for me on my porch. My brother was easy to spot from a distance; he was fidgeting, tapping his fingers against his knees. His face was blotchy red and his blond hair was a mess, making his features melt into something close to our father’s. There were no cars in the driveway or parked on the street, so I couldn’t figure out how he got there.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I asked, mildly panicked, and sat down next to him.
He shook his head.
My brother’s eyes were bloodshot and swollen like he hadn’t slept in days. His lips were dry and cracking, with little slices of red along the bottom one. He was even more disheveled than usual. Yet what would make most people unattractive only added to the many things that women found endearing about him. He was dressed in a white sweatshirt withRiverdale High Schoolprinted above a pocket on the left side.Riverdale High School?
“Is that Kael’s shirt?” I tugged on his sleeve.
“Huh?” Austin looked down at his sweatshirt and nodded.
My entire body shifted. Kael somehow snuck himself into my house via my brother. There was hardly a place where I was safe from reminders of him.
“Where did you get his shirt?”
“I was at his place and wore it.”
Before I could respond, he began to speak. “Let’s not fight about him, K. I already got into it with Dad.” Austin dipped his head down between his knees.
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted more answers, but I could feel my brother’s energy was depleted, and he, unlike me, had never been able to suffer in silence.
“To be honest, I’m tired of being back in Benning. I just want to go somewhere else. Not to Uncle Rudy’s again, just . . . somewhere else. Don’t you ever feel like that?”
“Yeah,” I said and sighed. “But I bought a house here, so I couldn’t go anywhere if I wanted to.”