CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
When I woke up the next morning, my head was throbbing. I couldn’t exactly recall how I got to my bed last night but had a faint memory of Elodie’s voice shushing my sobs as they wore me down to sleep. I remember her standing in the doorway with a look of pure worry on her face, the thin line of hallway light disappearing with her as she left the room.
I had tossed and turned the entire night. My room was too hot, then too cold. I curled into a ball to comfort myself, covering my mouth to calm the heaving; I had no tears left, but my body seemed to think that I did. I couldn’t stop. As soon as I would slip into near-sleep, Kael’s face would flash in my mind. When I couldn’t sleep, I checked my phone, too many times to count. My finger hovered over his name repeatedly, deliberating whether to block him or delete his number, but at the same time desperately hoping for a single text from him. Nothing. And I had the strength to do nothing except toss my phone to the other side of my bed.
Even in my dreams, I couldn’t escape him. Was my heart actually broken? Was Kael a liar? He wasn’t even part of my life a few weeks ago. My reaction to all of this was an overreaction. I was preparing to lose him eventually, but this felt different from the loss I knew was coming. I imagined that pain would be a longing ache for him, inflicted by distance, something remedied by texts and calls here and there. But this was altogether different.
I stretched my arms out in front of me as I lay in bed. My body felt sore everywhere. The morning was misty and overcast, and I couldn’t guess the time. How long had I slept? I found my phone under one of my pillows and squinted through puffy eyes to read: 8:24. I needed to get up and ready for work at eleven, but didn’t know how I was going to deal with today’s shift. I untangled myself from the disheveled mess of sheets and comforter and got out of bed. As I walked out of my room to the bathroom I heard the TV in the living room and knew Elodie was already awake. After a quick check of my face in the bathroom mirror, I splashed my cheeks with water in a futile attempt to revive myself. Kael’s tube of cinnamon-flavored toothpaste sat unopened on the counter. I cringed, feeling a pang of regret. He never even had the chance to use it, but maybe that was for the best.
As I stepped into the hallway, I heard Elodie giggle, clearly amused by whatever she was watching. That laugh always lifted my spirits when we hung out and binged on TV. She had kept me from plummeting last night. She hadn’t asked any questions, she just hugged me as we sat on the couch as I cried. She was here for me last night in a way that I had never felt in a friendship before. I wanted to thank Elodie and say that I was sorry that I hadn’t told her about what was going on with me and Kael.
“You’re awake.” She smiled, turning toward me as she lowered the volume on the remote. Head hurt. It felt like it had been days, not hours, since Kael and my dad were here. Elodie looked surprised as I practically crawled to her on the couch, snuggled up next to her, and wrapped my arm around her. She covered me with the blanket she was using, and I cuddled in closer. We didn’t say anything at first and I couldn’t think of where to begin or just how much I wanted to say. I owed it to her and myself to at least try to explain what was going on.
“Do you believe in coincidences?” I asked.
“Coincidence is simply what happens.” She paused. “Are you asking me about serendipity?”
Serendipity?Kael coming into my life seemed like a series of unfortunate events. I didn’t want to admit it was anything more than that.
“A coincidence is like bumping into an old friend at the movies or thinking about someone you haven’t heard from in a while and then seeing their name pop up next to a text.” Could it really be a coincidence that Kael and my dad and Austin and Mendoza and Phillip and everyone, literally everyone, were connected? I took a breath and continued, “The fact that my dad and Phillip and Kael are all in the same company feels like a bizarre circumstance.”
“It does, but you get to decide what that means for you, Karina.”
I stared at Elodie as she spoke, trying to take in how wise and comforting she was. People often underestimated her ability to read situations. Yes, she seemed young and bubbly, and adorably French, but her instinct and perspective blew me away.
Though I was ashamed to admit it, my first impulse was to lie again, to protect myself, but Elodie was trying to be a friend to me, and I desperately wanted to let her.
“Kael was here the whole time you were gone, and we’ve been seeing each other, well, not dating, but we were hanging out since the day we met.” My cheeks flushed, I barely had any energy, but the bit I did have was pure guilt.
“Did you sleep together? I’m not judging, only curious,” she asked me.
I shook my head. I couldn’t meet her eyes anymore, so I leaned my head onto her shoulder again.
“We didn’t. He didn’t even try.” I stopped mid-thought and had a realization. “Wow, that should have been my sign. He didn’t even want to sleep with me.”
“Be glad you didn’t, then,” Elodie said softly. I nodded in agreement.
A little corner, all the way in the back of my heart, the only part that hadn’t gone numb, began to ache again. Kael’s face flashed through my mind, him smiling at me, us in my kitchen, us falling onto my bed. The way he paid attention to the smallest things I said, the way his eyes lit up when we shared a favorite song.
“I think the other things we did were more intimate than sex. If we had only hooked up, this would be so much easier to get over.” I shuddered. How did I get myself into such a mess?
She took that in. “Yeah, the sex is the easy part, isn’t it?”
We nodded at each other.
“Do you want me to tell you that I think you shouldn’t see Martin anymore and that things sometimes don’t happen for a reason?”
I sat quiet for a moment.
“I don’t know why it feels like my world is ending,” I said softly, as Elodie’s hand stroked my shoulder and down my back. I felt like a child curled up next to her. “I’ve only been this hurt once in my life, when my mom left. Maybe I should just get used to the fact that everyone who comes into my life will leave at some point.” I saw my life as a revolving door. I got over my mother. I would surely get over this.
“What am I even saying?” I continued, closing my eyes. My mother’s face flashed behind my lids. “My mom leaving was so much worse. Kael’s a stranger. I can’t believe I’m even comparing them.”
Elodie breathed in a deep breath. I couldn’t look at her when she spoke. “Loss can’t be measured in that way. If it was that simple, life would be much easier.”
Her words sat with me, and as they settled, I felt a bit of relief in my lungs.
“People are selfish.” I sighed. “I’ve always known that. I think I lost my mind a bit.”