NOVEMBER 26, 1981
The bowl slipped from Emily’s hands. Pumpkin seeds scattered across the shed floor.
Clay ripped himself away from Jack. His penis flopped against his jeans as he dragged them up around his hips. He stumbled backward, banging into one of the windows. The glass cracked. Emily could hear the fracture work its way into the next pane, then the next.
“Oh God!” Jack was kneeling on the floor. His hands covered his face in shame. He rocked back and forth. “Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God …”
Clay didn’t say anything. He looked equal parts terrified and enraged.
“I’m—” Emily had no more words. Her brain was dizzy with what she had seen. She shouldn’t be here. This was private. “I’m sorry.”
She turned to leave, but Clay moved so quickly that he slammed the door closed before she reached it.
“Look at me!” He grabbed her arms and banged her back against the door. “If you tell anybody about this, I’ll fucking kill you!”
Emily was too shaken to respond. She had not let herself understand it in the moment, but now she felt the knowledge settle deep into her mind. The two boys had been having sex. Clay and Jack. How long had they been doing it? Were they in love? Surely you had to love someone if you let them do that to you. Why did Clay treat Jack so badly if they were in love?
“Clay.” Jack put his hand on Clay’s shoulder.
“Get the fuck off of me!” Clay violently jerked away. “Jesus Christ, you queer piece of shit. Don’t ever touch me again!”
Jack stood paralyzed, his hand still reaching into the air. He looked so hurt that Clay could have stabbed him and caused less pain.
“Clay,” Emily said. She couldn’t stand his cruelty. “You can’t—”
“Shut the fuck up, Emily.” Clay’s finger was in her face. “I meant what I said! Don’t you fucking tell anybody!”
“She won’t—” Jack’s voice was raspy. He had started to cry. “She won’t tell.”
“She better fucking not!” Clay wrenched away from Emily. He started pacing across the shed floor, hammering his fist into his open palm. His feet were heavy on the stone. “I’ll tell everybody she came onto me. I’ll say that she tried to blackmail me into marrying her. That she was going to lie to everybody about me being the father.”
Emily watched him pacing back and forth the same way her father paced when he was deciding her future.
“Clay,” she tried.
“I told you to shut your fucking mouth.” Clay glared at her, jamming his finger in her direction again. “I’ll destroy you, Emily. Don’t think I won’t.”
“Go ahead.” Emily’s words were strong, but her voice was weak. She had done nothing to this person but care for him and love him for almost her entire life. “Tell them I tried to blackmail you. Tell them I’m a whore. Tell them I gave you a blowjob behind the gym. What possible damage could you do to my reputation? I’m already utterly destroyed.”
“Emily,” Jack whispered.
“What, Jack? They’re already saying all of those things,” Emily said. “Thanks to Blake and Ricky. Thanks to Nardo. Thanks to you, Clay.”
Clay had the audacity to look offended. “I never repeated those rumors.”
“You never stopped them.” Emily was so tired of these cowards hiding behind their own twisted sense of morality. “You could’ve stopped everything, Clay. You could’ve made this okay.”
“This?” He threw out his arms in an open shrug. “What the hell are you going on about?”
“This!” She held her stomach. “This baby. You could’ve set the tone with the clique. You could’ve made it clear to the school that I shouldn’t be cast out.”
“Cast out?” he repeated. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” She hated herself for using her mother’s words, but they were so damn fitting. “Clay, you’re the one who gets to decide who the right people are. Everyone looks up to you! One gesture, one word, can mean that someone is in or out. You could’ve protected me.”
He looked away instead of trying to contradict her.
“You could do it now.” For the first time in weeks, Emily saw a real way out of this. She had begged her mother for legitimacy, but Clay was far more powerful in Emily’s small world than Esther. “The only reason people at school think it’s wrong is because people think it’s wrong. You could change everything for me. You could make it okay.”