“She’s fine. She took the ELISA test last month.” Nick’s tone was filled with authority and reason, the same as it had been when he’d lied about Quarter’s real name.
He told Jane, “Listen, you’re right about all of this. And it’s horrible. I know Andrew is close to the end. I know that having him out here is likely causing him to spiral down faster. And I’ve been so worried about him, but I have the whole group depending on me, expecting me to lead them and—I can’t let myself think about it. I have to look ahead, otherwise I’d just curl into a useless ball of grief. I can’t do that, and neither can you, because I need you, darling. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, but I’m only strong when you’re standing beside me.”
Jane could not believe he was giving her one of his rallying speeches. “You know how they die, Nick. You’ve heard the stories. Ben Mitchell—do you remember him?” Jane’s voice lowered as if she was saying a sacrament. “I took care of him on the ward, but then his parents finally said it was okay for him to come home to die. They took him to the hospital and none of the nurses would touch him because they were afraid of getting infected. Do you remember me telling you about it? They wouldn’t even give him morphine. Do you remember?”
Nick’s face was impassive. “I remember.”
“He suffocated on the fluid inside his lungs. It took almost eight agonizing minutes for him to die, and Ben was awake for every single second of it.” She waited, but Nick said nothing. “He was terrified. He kept trying to scream, clawing at his neck, begging people to help. No one would help him. His own mother had to leave the room. Do you remember that story, Nick? Do you?”
He only said, “I remember.”
“Is that what you want for Andrew?” She waited, but again, he said nothing. “He’s coughing the same way Ben did. The same way Charlie Bray did. The same thing happened to him. Charlie went home to Florida and—”
“You don’t have to give me a play-by-play, Jinx. I told you: I remember the stories. Yes, how they died was horrible. All of it was horrible. But we don’t have a choice.”
She wanted to shake him. “Of course we have a choice.”
“It was Andy’s idea to send you to Berlin.”
Jane knew he was telling the truth, just as she knew that Nick was a surgeon when it came to transplanting his ideas onto other people’s tongues.
Nick said, “He thought if you knew he was sick, that you would... I don’t know, Jinx. Do something stupid. Make us stop. Make everything stop. He believes in this thing that we’re doing. He wants us to finish it. That’s why I’m taking him to Brooklyn. You can come too. Take care of him. Keep him alive long enough to—”
“Stop.” She couldn’t listen to his bullshit. “I am not going to let my brother suffocate to death in the back of that filthy van.”
“It’s not about his life anymore,” Nick insisted. “It’s about his legacy. This is how Andy wants to go out. On his own terms, like a man. That’s what he’s always wanted. The overdoses, the hanging, the pills and needles, showing up in places he shouldn’t be, hanging out with the wrong people. You know what hell his life has been. He got clean for this thing that we’re doing—that we’re all doing. This is what gave him the strength to stop using, Jane. Don’t take that away from him.”
She gripped her fists in frustration. “He’s doing it for you, Nick. All it would take is one word from you and he’d go to the hospital where he can die in peace.”
“You know him better than me?”
“I know you better. Andy wants to please you. They all want to please you. But this is different. It’s cruel. He’ll suffocate like—”
“Yes, Jane, I get it. He’ll suffocate on the fluids in his lungs. He’ll have eight minutes of agonizing terror, and that’s—well, agonizing—but you need to listen to me very carefully, darling, because this part is very important,” Nick said. “You have to choose between him or me.”
What?
“If Andy can’t make the trip with me, then you need to go with me in his place.”
What?
“I can’t trust you anymore.” Nick’s shoulder went up in a shrug. “I know how your mind works. The minute I leave, you’ll take Andy to the hospital. You’ll stay with him because that’s what you do, Jinx. You stay with people. You’ve always been loyal, sitting with homeless men down at the shelter, helping serve soup at the mission, wiping spittle from the mouths of dying men at the infection ward. I won’t say you’re a good little dog, because that’s cruel. But your loyalty to Andrew will land us all in prison, because the moment you walk into the hospital, the police will arrest you, and they’ll know we’re in Chicago, and I can’t let that happen.”
She felt her mouth gape open.
“I’ll only give you this one chance. You have to choose right here, right now: him or me.”
Jane felt the room shift. This couldn’t be happening.
He looked at her coldly, as if she was a specimen under glass. “You must have known it would come to this, Jane. You’re naïve, but you’re not stupid.” Nick waited a moment. “Choose.”
She had to rest her hand on the sink so that she wouldn’t slide to the floor. “He’s your best friend.” Her voice was no more than a whisper. “He’s my brother.”
“I need your decision.”
Jane heard a high-pitched sound in her ears, as if her skull had been struck by a tuning fork. She didn’t know what was happening. Panic made her words brim with fear. “Are you leaving me? Breaking up with me?”
“I said me or him. It’s your choice, not mine.”