In fact, I think when I did allow myself to think of her through the years, I always pictured her angry with me, bone-deep furious at leaving her and possibly making a fool of her, something I knew she could never forgive.
Even when she showed back up to prospect, I figured that was just still the burning embers of her anger from long ago.
Not pain.
I don’t know how it might have changed things if I had known the truth, that she wasn’t angry, but hurt.
I liked to think it would have made me turn around, go home, apologize, try to be a better man.
I just didn’t know if that was the case.
Still, the image bothered me.
Evangeline wasn’t an exaggerator by nature. So if she said that Louana had been in pieces, she meant that.
That was what I had done to the only girl I’d ever loved.
I’d ruined her.
And I’d fucked up not only her life, but her relationships with her parents and friends.
It was no fucking wonder she hated me, that she saw the first opportunity to fuck with me, and took it.
“I never meant to hurt her,” I told Evangeline, shaking my head.
“The funny thing is, your intentions don’t matter. The end result matters. And the end result was you hurting my little girl. And my little girl running off to Europe for years to try to outrun the memories of you.”
Evangeline took a step deeper into the kitchen, her voice going lower. “Do you know what she did in Europe, Valen?”
“I have an idea,” I said, nodding.
“Do you know how many times I answered the phone from her to her telling me I’m okay or Don’t panic before she told me about some new, horrific thing she’d been through? Because she was halfway around the world and alone with no one to have her back.
“That girl spent every day since the day you left hardening herself up, trying to make sure nothing and no one could ever hurt her again like you did. So I hope to God that the new, harder version of her is making your life a living hell. And that you aren’t too fucking stupid and selfish still to learn the lesson she is trying to teach you.
“Actions have consequences—whether what you did was intentional or not. And she is going to make sure you never do something like this again to anyone else. Now boil some tea water,” she demanded, dropping two teabags down on the counter next to me. “And steep these for at least five minutes each before you bring them in.”
With that, she was gone.
Leaving me suitably chastened.
I was pretty sure my balls had retreated back up into my body at some point during her heated speech.
Because, like I said, moms were scary. Moms were scary on a good day. But when they were in the mood to defend their kids against someone who wronged them?
Fuck.
“You good?” Voss asked, sliding in almost immediately after Evan’s exit.
“Were you just standing out there, eavesdropping?” I asked as I put the tea water on.
“Think I wanted to get neutered too?” Voss asked, and a choked laugh escaped me at that.
“I guess that’s fair,” I agreed. “That anger has been simmering for a lot of years. It probably felt good for her to get it out. And I had it coming.”
“Sounds like it,” Voss agreed as he walked over to the coffee machine.
“Was Louana awake when you came out?”
“Nah, but judging by that,” he said, holding a finger up in the air, and when I listened harder, I heard a string of curses coming from the prospect room, “I’d say she is now.”
Evan was probably trying to help her to the bathroom. And I imagine the pain was only worse now. I tended to be able to think through the pain of various injuries in the minutes and hours after receiving them, likely still riding the adrenaline wave. But the next morning? It always fucking sucked.
“I’ll bring her in another pain pill when I bring the tea. If it doesn’t counteract with any of the shit her ma is going to give her.”
“Don’t get the crunchy, natural healing vibe from her,” Voss said.
He was right about that.
Evan didn’t outwardly come across like Billie did. Or even Andi’s mom Rey. They had that crunchy, earthy vibe Voss was talking about.
“She started off as a poisons expert,” I told him.
“That explains it,” Voss said, nodding. “Got a serial killer for a dad and a poisons expert for a mom, and you still decided to date her?”
That was a fair point. I’d definitely heard a lot of the guys say exactly that to me when I’d said I was interested in her.
I didn’t scare easily, not even back then. And, well, I really fucking wanted Louana. More than any other girl I’d ever met. Enough that I’d been willing to drive to her house, walk up her front path, knock on the door, and go inside to meet her parents while she was still upstairs “getting ready.”