Flustered by his gentle tone, I turn and sit on the edge of the couch, tucking a cushion behind me. “What do you mean?”
Mathiras sits down, too, and he’s close enough that our knees practically brush. Oh. I wish I was wearing something pretty today. Because we were going to Port, I wore one of the borrowed jumpsuits from Zoey’s old clothes, and it fits me all wrong. The waist is high, the cuffs at the ankle mid-calf, and my chest looks flat in the stiff material. I fight the urge to run my fingers through my hair, to primp so he finally, finally notices that I’m attractive.
He leans forward, clasping his hands, and the look on his face is grave. “Helen. You know we’re taking off in the morning.”
“Yes,” I say brightly. “I’m ready to do my part.”
“That’s just it. I’m just…I’m wondering if maybe we should leave you behind.” His voice is so, so gentle. “If maybe that’s what’s best for everyone.”
I suck in a hurt breath. “What? Why?” He doesn’t want me to go? He hates my presence so much that he wants to abandon me here in Port? Port, with all the human faces and nothing I recognize? Under the terrifyingly wide open skies? I stare at him, lip wobbling, and tears start to slide down my face. “Why would you leave me behind?”
Mathiras rubs his jaw, looking uncomfortable. “Kef me, don’t cry, Helen. It’s just that it’s probably the best solution for everyone.”
“Why is that the best solution?” I weep, swiping at my cheeks.
“Please, stop crying.” He looks tortured. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I just want you to stay where you’re happy and safe. If you have a sweetheart in Port, we understand. We want you to be able to pursue—”
“I don’t have a sweetheart,” I blurt. “I don’t have anyone!” And I start crying harder. The aching loneliness I’ve felt since leaving the Buoyant Star is paired up with betrayal, that Mathiras would do this to me. I’m heartbroken, and I can’t seem to stop crying, even though I know it upsets him. “You can’t leave me behind. You promised.”
“Helen,” he murmurs, scooting closer to me on the couch. “Please don’t cry, okay? We’re trying to think of the best solution—”
“Who’s we?” I sob. “Who else wants to leave me behind?” Hands trembling, I swipe at my nose. “I’ll work harder. I promise. I won’t eat much. I’ll clean up after everyone—”
“It isn’t that,” Mathiras says, and he puts a big hand on my back, rubbing it. It feels so good—and it’s the first contact I feel like I’ve had with anyone in weeks—that I fling my arms around his neck and weep onto his shoulder. He stiffens a little, but he doesn’t push me away. Just keeps rubbing my back. “I promise, Helen. No one’s trying to get rid of you.”
“What the fuck is this?”
Alice. Her voice carries through the rec room and I bite back a sob even as Mathiras jerks away from me. I straighten, sniffling and giving Alice a miserable look.
My small friend looks furious. For someone who is short and wears her hair in two tiny knots atop her head, she manages to look menacing as she strides toward me, glaring at Mathiras. “Why are you always making Helen cry, you fucking asshole? What did you say?”
Mathiras looks shocked. “I—what? I’m not. I don’t make her cry—”
“He wants to leave me behind,” I sob. The thought is horrifying. What if because he’s the captain, everyone goes along with it? What if they leave me in Port, alone? It’s my worst nightmare. Once again, I wish desperately that we were back on the Buoyant Star and we’d never met any of the corsairs. No one was going to take me away from anyone then.
“Leave her behind? No fucking way.” Alice moves protectively to my side, stepping between us. She pulls me against her breasts, hugging me and blocking Mathiras from looking in my direction. “You’re staying with us, Helen. No one would leave you behind. I promise you.”
“Thank you,” I say tearfully. “I want to stay.”
“Of course you do.” She smooths my hair back. “Mathiras can go suck a bag of dicks.”
“I’m not trying to leave her if she doesn’t want to be left!” Mathiras sounds indignant. I can’t see him from beyond Alice’s comforting-slash-smothering embrace, but I can hear his frustration. “It was just an option. And I don’t make her cry all the time. Kef, you make me sound like a monster.”
“Really? Because it seems like every time Helen cries, you’re the responsible party,” Alice snaps.
“It was just a suggestion—”
“I’ll work harder,” I say quickly, trying to defuse the fight between them. I love Alice and Mathiras both, and I don’t like to hear fighting. “If he’s worried I can’t pull my share, I’ll learn how. I can cook, and I can clean—”