She doesn’t look mad. No one looks mad.
In the next moment, I realize no one has told her what I did, and then I get anxious all over again.
“Hi,” I say. “Bye.” I turn to leave.
Matty snags an arm around my waist, snaring me. I could break his arm, of course, but I don’t like hurting those I love. I whimper, letting him trap me.
“Don’t be weird, Helen,” Ruth says, and her chair scrapes on the floor as she gets to her feet. “Come give me a hug!”
I whimper again, turning inward and burying my face against Matty’s shoulder. “I can’t do this.”
“You can,” he reassures me, stroking my hair. “No one will be mad. No one hates you. I promise.”
“Hates you? What’s going on? Helen?” Ruth sounds worried. “No one has told us what this is about. Is something wrong?” She gasps. “Oh my god, are you pregnant too?”
“Not pregnant,” I manage, my voice muffled against Matty’s arm. “I’m just a bad person.”
To my surprise, Ruth laughs. “Girl, then you are absolutely in the right spot. This is a ship full of terrible people. You’re in the arms of a pirate. Who freaking cares if you’re good or bad? You’re my Helen, and my sister.”
That makes me feel a little better. I peek out from behind Mathiras’s encircling arm and her face is full of smiles. I glance over at Ruthie, and she’s watching me with a curious expression but neither one looks upset. I hope that doesn’t change. Oh gosh, I really hope they don’t hate me. I’m so terrified that she’ll look at me with loathing and I’ll lose her. I’ve already lost my home and been separated from them. I don’t want to lose anything else.
I gnaw on my lip for a few, hesitant to answer her. She has such faith in me but she also doesn’t know what I did. “I might have killed someone…that had your face.” And I burst into tears again, because the weight of it is destroying me. “I’m sorry!”
“Shhh.” Mathiras drags his fingers through my hair and scratches at my scalp. “You did what you had to do to survive.”
“I…I’m confused,” Ruth says. “She killed someone with my face?”
As I weep against Matty’s shoulder, he quickly explains the situation to Ruth and Ruthie. The programming I’ve been given to attack and protect, that makes me an incredible fighter, the ship with the clones, and the bodyguards that were even more clones. “She killed one,” he says, “And it looked like you, and I think it’s broken something inside her.”
“Oh,” Ruth says softly.
I just cry harder, because the silence that falls hurts me like an open wound. She hates me now, I know it, and not even Mathiras and his comforting embrace can make it feel better.
“Hey, hey,” says a voice. Ruth. A hand touches my back, and I look up to see it’s not Ruth, but Ruthie instead. She smiles at me and gently pries me out of Mathiras’s arms. “You come sit with us for a minute, okay?” She looks over at Ruth and steers me across the room until I’m sandwiched between them, and I sit in the chair Ruth pulls in specifically for me. I give Mathiras a helpless look but he remains by the door.
“Now,” Ruthie says. She takes my hand and squeezes it, and when I look over at her she smiles. “Am I the same person as your sister?”
“N-no?” I blink.
“Exactly. And that person you killed wasn’t Ruth. They just had the same face as us.”
I look over at Ruth and she nods encouragingly, taking my other hand. “I know it’s a bit of a head-trip, but I’m starting to get used to the fact that are apparently a lot of ‘me’ running around this universe. But I’m still me, right here.” Ruth squeezes my fingers. “You know the a’ani crew, too. You know all of them. Aithar and Erzah and Kazex. Dopekh. Are they all the same?”
Mutely, I shake my head.
“Exactly. And Ruth and I aren’t the same, either, for all that we wear the same face,” Ruthie says. “It’s jarring, sure, but if we met another qura’aki, they would probably look a lot like you, but they wouldn’t be you. Does that make sense? Just because you’re from the same genetic material, it doesn’t mean that you’re the same person.”
I know this. I really do. It’s just that seeing Ruth’s face on the guard shocked me to my core. It broke something inside me. “I was so proud to be able to defend Mathiras,” I whisper. “And I didn’t realize I was doing bad things.”
“Did you live?” Ruth asks bluntly. “Are you both safe?” When I nod, she leans in, forcing me to meet her gaze. “Do you think the bad Ruth would have hurt the both of you? If so, then you did nothing wrong. As far as I’m concerned, she was the enemy. We don’t know what was in her brain. I’d be far more upset if she’d have hurt you or someone you love.”