“I’ll be at your side,” he reassures me, and I slide into his arms, holding him tight and breathing in his scent. I’m terrified to see Ruth, afraid of the judgment I’m going to find on her face. Of knowing that I killed someone that was her in some remote sort of way, and she’ll hate me for it. That I’m a killer now, and not her innocent little sister that she needs to protect from the universe.
Just the thought makes me want to weep all over again. I miss being on the Buoyant Star sometimes, so much. But then I wouldn’t have Mathiras, and kisses, and him holding me so close, and I guess I can’t go back after all.
My mood is wary as we get aboard the tiny shuttle and head over to the Scarlet Gaze. Once we dock, Mathiras steps out of the shuttle and holds a hand out to me to join him. I can see the backs of the a’ani crew as they work, organizing the human pods they’ve rescued in the hangar, but I don’t want to look closer to see who’s working out here. I don’t want to see their friendly faces because I’m positive they’ll see the stamp of my guilt on mine. I’m a killer. A monster. I destroyed my own sister.
“You’re panicking again,” Mathiras murmurs as he pulls me against him, tucking me under his shoulder as we walk forward across the hangar bay. “Do we need to take a moment to breathe?”
“No. We could just get back on the ship?” I say hopefully, keeping my gaze averted. “I can breathe better there.”
The doors to the ship whoosh open. “Helen! Oh my god, look at your hair! That’s so cute! And did you get tattooed?”
I look up into Alice’s smiling face. She looks good—so good. Her cheeks are filled out and flushed with health, her eyes bright, and her hair is twisted into two silky knots atop her head. She wears a shimmery bodysuit that fits her perfectly and holds her arms out to me, her expression welcoming.
I burst into tears at the sight of her and fling myself into her arms.
“Oh,” Alice breathes, stroking my hair. “Oh, lamb, are you okay?” She lowers her voice. “Squeeze me twice if you need me to kill him. No questions asked. I’ll do it for you.”
Sniffing, I pull back and shake my head. “Mathiras is wonderful,” I tell her. “I love him.”
“You love everyone,” Alice reassures me, taking me by the shoulders and peering into my eyes. “You’re sure? Offer stands.”
“Please don’t kill Mathiras,” I tell her. “He’s very good to me.”
“Wait, what?” Mathiras steps forward. He’s been hanging back to let me and Alice hug, but at my words, he steps forward with a protective frown and tries to get between Alice and myself. “You’re supposed to be helping Helen, not scaring her.”
Alice shrugs and gives me a defiant look. “Maybe my version of helping is offering to be her ride or die.”
I pat Mathiras’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Matty. Alice is just defending me. She doesn’t realize I’m a badass and I could kill you if I wanted to.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “Why is that not as reassuring a phrase as I want it to be?” But he touches a hand to the small of my back. “You sure you’re all right? I know you don’t want to do this, but I think it’s necessary for you to feel better.”
“Feel better?” Alice chimes in, a confused look on her face as she looks back and forth between Matty and myself. “Feel better about what? What happened?”
Mathiras keeps his warm, wonderful gaze on me even as he replies to Alice. “She needs to talk to Ruth. She needs to see her to feel better.”
Alice makes a harrumphing sound in her throat. “They’re waiting for you in a meeting room.”
“They?” I ask, curious.
“Ruth and Ruthie both, of course.” Alice shrugs. “Straik said they needed to be together to see you. No one told me why.” She shoots a bitter look at Mathiras. “No one’s telling me anything and it’s starting to get on my nerves.”
Oh no. Ruth and Ruthie both? A worried knot forms in my throat and I give Matty a panicked look. I have to tell them both that I killed them? I whimper.
Mathiras is immediately at my side, hugging me again. “You can do it, love. I promise. I’ll be at your side the entire time.”
Hearing that makes me feel a little better. Just a little, though.
CHAPTER 101
HELEN
Mathiras’s comforting hand is on my back as we head for one of the Scarlet Gaze’s meeting chambers. The moment we step through the doors, I see Ruth and Ruthie at the far end of the long, impressive table that takes up the majority of the room. They both look up at the sight of me, twin smiles creasing their faces. Ruthie has her ears covered in jewelry and a ring in her nose, her head still shaved. My Ruth looks the same as ever, her face a little fuller than before. Her eyes crinkle up with pleasure at the sight of me and hot relief courses through my system.