‘Don’t you get it? I can’t marry you now.’
‘Because of one mistake? Because you believe Amadeo’s twisted poison over me?’
‘No, because I’ve lost all trust in you. Did you know, when my father died, Andrew sat me down and very calmly explained that our father was dead. No bluster or beating around the bush. Just sat there and told me, and told me that he was now my legal guardian and that I would be going to boarding school and not to bother whining about it. I hated him but I respected him for his honesty. At least I knew where I stood with him, and maybe I should have paid more attention to his honesty because then I would never have fallen for the only lie he ever told me which was when he tricked me into going to Monte Cleure. I wanted to trust him and believe in him... And I wanted to trust and believe in you. I did trust and believe in you and that makes it all so much worse because now I will never be able to trust another word you say or trust that anything you’ve ever said to me was truthful, and I can’t say the vows I’d prepared to give my whole heart for because they would be a lie.’
The scratching at his throat suddenly subsided. The icy shards cleared, the jumble of thoughts he’d held about Clara, built in their time together, finally putting themselves in order.
‘Or are you just using this one mistake as an excuse to run away from happiness?’ he mused thoughtfully, dropping onto her armchair.
Her head reared like she’d been jolted.
For a long time they just stared at each other, and the longer he gazed into the suddenly frightened brown eyes, the more convinced he was in the sense of his thoughts.
He shook his head slowly. When he finally opened his mouth, his tone was low but steady. ‘You wear your emotions like no one I’ve ever met, but you suppress the real stuff, don’t you?’
‘Don’t talk rubbish,’ she scorned.
‘You only wear the superficial happiness, because that’s all you allow yourself to feel. Everything else terrifies you.’
Clara suddenly felt a violent urge to cover her ears. Backing against the wall to steady herself, she opened her mouth to tell him to shut up right now but no words came out.
It was the way he was looking at her that frightened her. Like he was seeing right into the heart of her in the place where no one was allowed.
Not even herself.
‘All this time we’ve been together I’ve never understood how you’re so able to compartmentalise everything. You refuse to get angry about things, not even your brother for selling you to a pig—you just told me how he relayed your father’s death with all the calm of a weather lady, and now I know why you relay the awful things that have happened to you in that tone and it’s because you don’t dare even let the emotion out in your voice.’
Clara’s heart was thumping so hard the beats were making her nauseous. She didn’t want to hear this. She couldn’t find the words to tell him to stop.
For the first time since she was a little girl, her mouth had stopped co-operating with her brain.
Frightened, she hugged her arms tightly around her chest.
‘You say you’re happy living on your own but fill your evenings with noise to drown the silence. You fast-forward sex scenes because you say you find them boring but I wonder if it’s because you’re too frightened to watch real, human connection and have to confront everything you’re hiding from.’
Shut up!
Her plea stayed stuck in her throat.
‘Your entire playlist is made up of sentimental love songs, but that’s all the romance you allow yourself. Anything else requires risk and you haven’t evolved a mechanism to mitigate the risk to your own heart, have you, so you shut it down completely. You were far too young when you lost the one person who loved you with all their heart, and everyone who should have been there to help you navigate your grief rejected you. You had to deal with it alone in a silent scream.’
Shut up!
But her scream stayed stuck in her throat. Just as it had sixteen years ago.
‘You crave human connection but you’re so convinced that people won’t like you and will reject you that you shy away from it, and if I’d been paying better attention I would have realised this day would come the minute we became lovers because real emotion terrifies you, doesn’t it, whichever way it falls. And real happiness is an emotion. And what you and I have shared is real happiness, don’t ever doubt that. But you don’t believe in it. You don’t believe in me, and you don’t believe in yourself, and so you only allow yourself to exist and not truly live.’
Frustration and sadness leached into the steadiness of his voice. ‘I understand why. Everyone you’ve ever loved and trusted has abused your trust.’
How desperately she wanted to cover her ears but now her body felt as paralysed as her voice.
Marcelo took a step towards her. That one step was enough to make her flinch.
Close enough to stretch out an arm and stroke her face, he took in the ashen pallor of Clara’s cheeks. Took in her muteness.
His words were distressing her. He could see it clearly. But if they had any chance of a future, they were words that needed to be said. They were words she needed to hear.
‘You’re not the only one who’s been existing and not living, bella,’ he said hoarsely.