Chapter Forty-Three
Sienna
I had never seen somuch pain. It was in the tenor of his voice; in the way he would catch his breath while struggling to keep the tears away. I thought I had experienced the worst kind of heartbreak when Noah left, but I was wrong. This was by far the ugliest, most profound sorrow and suffering I had ever witnessed, and I felt it. I felt it so fucking deep, my soul bled for him. Suddenly I no longer saw the man who broke my heart and walked away. Instead, I saw a man who had lost everything—a man whose existence was defined by the greatest loss any person could ever experience.
All this time, I knew he carried a great weight on his shoulders, but I always assumed it was because of his past life, being a sniper—a professional killer. Something like that always left broken parts and open wounds. But I never imagined that the extent of his torment was something…something like this.
“Noah.” I sniffed and wiped away my tears. “I um…I don’t know what to say.” God, I wanted to hug him, put my arms around him and take away his pain, but I couldn’t. I had no right. This was his pain—something I couldn’t even have begun to imagine. It would be foolish of me to think I could comfort him. Not now. Not ever. This was his pain and his alone. All I could do was just breathe next to him, to try and be a flicker of light in this dark place he had dwelled in for so long.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes radiant with unshed tears. My love for him had never been as strong as it was now. Noah had broken down his own walls, choosing to show me his most profound vulnerability. And now I loved him even more.
He held his arms wide. “Now you know. That’s my story, the reason why I’m so fucked up. The reason why I warned you to stay away from me because I’m just this broken fucking mess, and you deserve so much better.”
“Don’t say that.” I walked up to him, cupping his cheeks. “I love you. And I didn’t think it possible, but I love you even more right now.”
“It’s called sympathy.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not. I can’t sympathize with someone if I have no idea what they’re going through, and I will never pretend to know how fucking painful this is for you.”
He placed his hands on my shoulders, biting his bottom lip while his deep-blue eyes studied mine. “I’m so fucking glad your stubborn ass didn’t listen when I told you to stay away from me.”
I smiled. “I’m glad, too.”
“I love you, Sienna. And it scares the fuck out of me because love broke me once, and I’m still crippled by it.” He palmed my cheek, my heart about to fucking burst. “I can’t break again.”
A tear trickled down my cheek, and I took his hand, placing a desperate kiss in his palm. There were so many things I could have said, but nothing felt right. There were no words that compared to what I wanted to say, so I let the silence say it for me.
With a sigh, Noah inched back, rubbing the palms of his hands against his eyes. “I've never told anyone about Evie before. The only people who know about her are the guys that've been with me since my marine days. Other than that, it's like Evie never existed.”
“Do you have a picture of her?”
“Not anymore. I used to have a lot on my phone. Pictures I'd scroll through every goddamn night. It was supposed to get better, easier to deal with. But it didn't. One night I got drunk, pissed out of my fucking mind.” His eyes found mine. “I sat with a gun against my head for three fucking hours that night. I was ready to pull the trigger, ready to be rid of the pain that was constantly there. It was in the middle of the fucking summer, the heat grueling and humid. But just as I decided to end it,” he glanced down at the ground, “it started to rain, and I mean like a heavy downpour. I took that as my sign that no matter what, I would keep my promise.”
He slipped his hands halfway into his pants pockets. “That night, I deleted every single picture I had of her, thinking if I somehow forget her face, it would be easier to survive the pain.”
“Is it? Easier?”
He lightly shook his head. “No—especially since the image of her face is engraved in my soul.”
“I wish you would have told me sooner.”
“What?” He sat down beside me. “That I once lived the American dream with a wife, a child, a house and white picket fence? That my job, what I chose to do for a living cost me my daughter? Besides, you weren’t supposed to happen, remember?” he teased with a half-grin, but I was overcome with so many emotions it was hard to get past it. It overflowed inside me, and my thoughts skipped from one thing to the other, flipping channels so fast it all turned to static.
“I just…It’s something I can’t fathom, this world you’re talking about. A world where men could kill innocent little children without blinking.” I cut my panicked gaze to his. “I can't wrap my head around it. What type of revenge is worth a little girl's life? What kind of monsters kill kids?”
Oh, God.
I placed my hand on my belly, clutching the fabric between my fingers as the penny dropped, reality slithering in like a snake ready to strike. I was pregnant with Noah’s child. These people were still after him. After me. If they took his daughter’s life right in front of him, they wouldn’t think twice of killing me.
My baby.
The room started to spin, the lights creating halos across the walls. My skin heated; my palms clammy as panic crawled from my feet, up my legs and invading my stomach, reaching my lungs with its black claws.
Noah had to know. I had to tell him so he knew the risk, so he knew what was on the line.
It was no longer about me. About him. About us.
It’s about our baby.