I stepped away from the door, shaking my head once. I couldn’t think straight. What he’d said made sense to some extent—but that didn’t make it any less rage-inducing for me. Seeing Piper on top of him… watching him chuckle and laugh at her as he shook his head…
It was then I knew. The feelings inside me were not merely anger and rage. No, they were accompanied by other emotions. Jealousy, envy. The realization that I didn’t want to see any girl on his lap because I wanted to be that girl.
Fuck.
Zander then did something he most definitely shouldn’t have done: he walked into my room. Well, more like he stormed into my room, coming straight at me. Before I knew what was happening, before I could tell him off and make him get his ass out of my bedroom, his hands found my cheeks. He brought his face down to mine, his lips brushing against mine as he whispered, “The only girl I want is you.”
And then he kissed me.
I couldn’t move. I think I was so deep in shock I just couldn’t move at all. I couldn’t even kiss him back. I couldn’t push him off me. The only thing I could do was feel the sweet urgency on his lips as he kissed me.
But… wait. I didn’t feel like crawling out of my own skin, even with his bare hands on my face and his lips on mine. I didn’t want to push him away from me, didn’t want to break the kiss. Maybe it was because of my anger, because of the searing hot jealousy racing through my veins, but I wanted more.
My gloved hand curled against the collar of his shirt as my lips began to react. I didn’t have much experience kissing—honestly, I had less experience with this than I did with sex at this point. It wasn’t like Rocco Moretti had spent the night kissing me, and that stranger in the Playground…
No, I wasn’t going to think about them, not while I was kissing Zander.
I always thought people exaggerated when they said the world stopped when they kissed someone, that they could feel it in every part of their body, but I understood the feeling now. It was electric, powerful, the kind of thing that you could get addicted to if you weren’t careful. A kiss like this put all other kisses to shame.
Zander’s body pushed against me, and my back slammed against the nearest dresser. Uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about right now was the feeling of his mouth on mine and how I didn’t want to pull away. It felt good. It felt so fucking good, I didn’t want any of this to stop.
His hands slipped from my face, dropping to my neck, holding onto me gently, as if he feared I would break. What Zander didn’t know was I’d been broken years ago. Shattered so completely I was a different girl than I was in my younger teens. I’d wanted to die. You didn’t just get over those feelings. They lingered with you, and when you thought you’d overcome them, they poked you on your shoulder and reminded you they were still with you, shadowing you everywhere you went.
But this kiss, this kiss was enough to make me forget about all of that. Powerful enough to cause all thoughts to vanish from my head, long enough to make me greedy for both air and more kisses.
“You,” Zander murmured against my lips, moving his mouth off mine to trail kisses along my jaw as his hands dropped to my sides. “Only you. It’s always been you.” He kept whispering things like that to me, kissing me, making my heart flutter unevenly in my chest like it was his superpower.
Maybe it was. Maybe I needed Zander to ground me, as much as I didn’t want to admit it.
His body pressed against mine, letting me feel just how eager he was, how hard he’d gotten, just by kissing me. My lower stomach flipped, and not in a bad way. I… if things were different, I think I’d throw all caution to the wind and see what it was like, being with Zander.
But we were in my father’s house, kissing with the door open. A stupid enough thing to do. So, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I pulled my mouth off his, panting as I opened my eyes, meeting his stare. My lips felt a little swollen from the hard kisses, but it wasn’t the worst feeling in the world.
“Zander,” I spoke his name, tasting it on my tongue a little differently, “we can’t—” I was going to tell him we couldn’t do it here, but he must’ve taken it the wrong way, for he turned away from me, shoulders slumping.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. That was… I shouldn’t have done that.” With a hurt expression on his face, he left my bedroom, closing the door behind him without so much as tossing me a glance over his shoulder.
I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t… I just didn’t mean it like that, but how could I go after him and tell him that? I didn’t know what I’d say, how to go about it, and I didn’t want to feel stupid. I let him go, knowing it was for the best.
God. Nothing could be easy, could it?
I wandered over to my bed, sitting on the edge of it. My lips were warm, it was like I could still feel Zander’s mouth on mine. I slipped off my gloves, bringing a hand to my face, drawing my fingers down along my cheek where he’d held onto me, and then moving those same fingers to my lips.
What did we just do? How could I ever be in the same room as Zander without thinking of that kiss? How could I look my father in the eyes and pretend nothing at all had happened? My father was a smart man; he could see through me most of the time.
That was not something I could let happen. I had to patch up my walls, pretend Zander and I never shared a passionate embrace, and go on as if nothing at all had transpired. I couldn’t let my father think I had feelings for Zander; he’d use those feelings against me. Plus, if I was really going to fuck up his plan of getting onto the Black Hand, he couldn’t know about it.
I lay back on my bed, still lightly touching my lips. It felt like Zander and I had passed the point of no return, and I didn’t know what would come next, what would happen for us now. How much more could Zander take before he went and found another girl, before he accepted Piper’s offer to hook up?
And when that day came, would I be able to ignore the stabbing pain in my heart?
These were the times when I wished Father Charlie was still alive, the days that I missed having his company, his ear. Though his advice was often laced with religious undertones, it was always sound and logical. Sometimes it was hard for me to see straight, let alone think straight, when my emotions got all wound up and twisted.
I zoned out. I didn’t move for what felt like hours. Laying there, getting lost in my head; it used to be so much easier for me, but lately I’d been so wound up in reality that I didn’t have much time to waste.
I used that time to think up a story to tell my father. He’d ask about my visitors today, ask about where I went, and I’d tell him. I’d add some pizzazz to the story, tell him exactly what he wanted to hear. I’d make him think his plan was working, that I was going along with it. Obviously, I wouldn’t tell him about what happened with Zander and me. That much I’d keep to myself, tucked away in the back of my head.
When six o’clock rolled around, I gathered myself up for dinner. I freshened up, made sure not a single hair had come out of place, and went downstairs. Zander must’ve left the house already, because I didn’t see him, and it made me wonder if he’d taken up Piper’s offer after all. Maybe kissing me and me trying to tell him we couldn’t do anything more was the last straw. The one that broke the camel’s back.