He pierces me with bloodshot eyes, and his face contains a world of pain I wish I could wipe away.
It’s not like any of that is a secret.
Bodhi has always known who we are to him, but learning the full truth of the past has clearly twisted things and warped his way of thinking. I know it’s hurt speaking. The alcohol sloshing through his veins doesn’t help either. I try to remember all of this as he lashes out.
“I don’t know how you can even bear to look at me after what my mother did to you. Or how you could take that piece-of-shit sperm donor back after he cheated on you with her. What is wrong with you? Why would you do that? Have you no self-respect?”
He might as well have driven a stake straight through my heart. Pain has a vise-grip around my internal organs, squeezing and squeezing until it feels like I can’t breathe. I swipe at the hot tears coursing down my face as I observe the angry expression on my eldest son’s face. His pain cuts me deep, and right now, I hate myself. Why did I think making a movie was a good idea? Why did I think this would help? All I have done is hurt both my boys and potentially damaged our relationships forever.
I couldn’t hate myself any more than I do in this moment.
“That’s enough, Bodhi.” Dillon’s sharp tone cuts through the tension in the air. “You will not speak to your mother like that. She loves you, and I know you love her. I know this is hurt speaking, but I won’t stand by and let you talk to Vivien like that.”
With more strength than I figured he could muster, Bodhi rams his elbow back into Dillon’s stomach, catching him off guard. Dillon loosens his hold on our son, and he wrangles himself free.
“You are one to talk!” Spit flies from Bodhi’s mouth as he whirls around, pointing his finger in Dillon’s face. “You’re almost as bad as Reeve. You purposely set out to deceive her, and then you showed up and stressed her out when she was pregnant.” I can’t see the look on his face from this angle, but I don’t need to see it to know it’s ugly.
East wraps his arms around me, and I don’t realize I’m shaking all over until he holds me and I feel myself trembling against him. Unshed tears fill Easton’s eyes as he stares at his brother, looking utterly lost, just like he did in the aftermath of losing Reeve and Lainey. I rest my head against his shoulder and circle my arms around him, holding him as tight as he’s holding me.
“I am not proud of the things I did,” Dillon says. “I will regret my actions for the rest of my life, but I love your mother. I love you, your brother, and your sisters. This isn’t the time to discuss it. It’s late, and we all need to sleep, but I don’t want you going to bed thinking you don’t mean the world to us, Bodhi, because you do.”
“You are our son in every meaning of the word,” I add, silently beseeching him to turn around. “I hate that you’re hurting. I hate that we’re the reason you’re in pain.” Easton lets me go, and I walk up behind Bodhi, wanting to envelop him in my arms but terrified to do anything else to set him off. Dillon pulls me in front of him, wrapping protective arms around my waist as I stare up at Bodhi. “I know you are confused, but we love you, Bodhi. Whatever you are thinking about how we came to adopt you, know we did it because we wanted you to be a part of our family, and from the minute I met you, I loved you with my whole heart.”
Tension is heavy in the air as he stares at me, a myriad of emotions flitting across his handsome face. “I think you’re the one who is confused, Vivien.”
My heart thuds painfully against my chest wall at his use of my first name. I prayed for months for him to call me Mom, and it was one of the happiest days of my life when he did. If I have lost that now, I will be inconsolable. Though it’s nothing less than I deserve. I rue the day I ever made that damn movie. Bodhi already lost one mother, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s lost me too because that will never happen. As long as there is blood flowing through my veins and air in my lungs, I will be his mother. Easton, Fleur, and Melody’s too.
“It isguilt, pure and simple.” He hisses the word, and I flinch. “Why the hell else would you take Saffron’s bastard in?”
“You can’t say that to Mom!” Easton cries. “Why the hell would you say that?”
“Don’t, Bodhi. Please,” I whisper, trembling against Dillon.
“Don’t do this, son,” Dillon says. “Go sleep it off, and we’ll talk in the morning.”
“I don’t know why you think anything will change,” he slurs, knocking into Dillon as he brushes past him. “It’s all a stinking pile of lies, and I’m done with it.”