“It hurt so much,” I whisper, my eyes blurry.
“We never should have made that movie,” Mom says as tears roll down her cheeks.
“I’m glad you made the movie,” I truthfully tell her, unsurprised to see shock materialize on her face. I squeeze her hand. “It wasn’t a secret that Reeve gave me up, Mom. I’ve known that since Lori told me the truth, but I purposely didn’t think about it until the movie forced me to.”
Agony transforms her beautiful face, and I push on even though it’s hard for me to talk about this stuff with anyone. But I owe it to my parents, to my brother, to tell them the raw truth, no matter how much it might hurt to hear some of this stuff.
I thought I was going to die and I’d never get to tell them these things, so I’m not chickening out now.
“This was always bound to happen, Mom.” I brush the tears from her cheeks. “What happened recently has been years in the making.”
“It is better we heard the truth through your eyes, as the people who lived it, rather than the shit that’s on the internet,” East agrees.
I nod. “East is right. The movie put some things into perspective, but it still hurt. It forced me to confront things I have tried to bury. I’m embarrassed I didn’t handle it well. Instead of pushing you away, I should have confided in you, but my head was a mess. It still is. All these thoughts keep going round and round in my brain and they are driving me mad. I was so angry at everyone for lying to me, and then I got angry at myself for believing you took me in as anything other than pity. I couldn’t get it all to stop, and I just wanted it to stop.” I fist my hand in the bedsheet and avert my eyes. “Numbing the thoughts and the pain with booze and drugs was the only thing that worked.”
I lift my eyes slowly, knowing what I will see when I look at my parents and my brother. “I couldn’t talk to you. All I saw when I looked at you was pity and guilt, and I hated that.” I eyeball my brother. “All I could see when I looked at you was everything I wasn’t. He chose you. My dad pickedyouover me. I have always felt like I’ve been in your shadow. You are amazing at everything and one of the best people I know. I could live a million lifetimes and never be as good as you.”
“Bo, that is so wrong. We’re different people, but it doesn’t make you better or worse than me. You’re a good person too. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t. You’re my brother. The best brother a guy could have. If I’ve done stuff to make you think you’re in my shadow, I am so fucking sorry. That’s not how I feel. It’s not how I wantyouto feel.”
Tears well in his eyes and it pains me to have hurt my brother. I squeeze his hand. “It’s not your fault. You have never done anything to make me feel inferior. No one has.” I look over at my parents. “You have treated me fairly and equally and with so much love. The way I feel is onme. It’s not because of anything any of you have done. Please believe me.”