11
VIVIEN
It’s after six, and Dillon still isn’t home. He called to say they were finishing up a track and to keep some dinner for him. The kids are bathed and happily watching cartoons in the playroom as I make my way outside. I’m not due at Ash’s until eight, and I feel a strange compulsion to visit the memorial garden. Or what’s left of it.
The flowers Dillon ordered arrived a few hours ago, coinciding with Bodhi’s emergence from his room. It’s the one and only time I have seen him today, and I stupidly saw it as a sign. I asked him to help me to replant the garden. I thought it might help him to remember and to begin to heal, but I should’ve known it was asking too much too soon.
I’m grasping at straws now. I’m terrified I’m losing my son forever, and I can’t cope. I can’t stand it. I can’t bear to watch him self-destruct knowing I am powerless to do anything to stop it.
Pain lances through my chest as I hurry across the grass, rubbing at the pain as if that will make it go away. My path is guided by the illumination from the moon hanging low in the dark night sky.
I saw a flicker of something in Bodhi’s eye when I asked, but it was gone so fast I can’t be sure it wasn’t wishful thinking. He shook his head and returned to his room without uttering a word.
“My heart is broken, Reeve,” I say when I reach the cordoned-off area. I hop over Dillon’s makeshift fence and plonk my butt down on the bench. I’m grateful Bodhi only flipped it over, that he hadn’t broken it. The plaques nailed to the bark are intact as is the tree. Those are the most important parts. The rest we can replace, but I refuse to do it until Bodhi is ready to replant the garden.
When we moved to our new home in the Hollywood Hills, we had the tree professionally relocated from our old home. As a family, we planted this garden, and it meant something to me. Which is why I refuse to replant it until every member of our family participates. I don’t care how long I have to wait.
“Help me. Help us!” I beseech, tipping my head back and looking at the smattering of stars lighting up the sky. “We love him. We love him as much as we love Fleur, Easton, and Melody. He’s our son. He owns an equal part of our hearts. He’s an integral part of our family. He’s the only part of you still with me, but it’s way more than that. I love him for the person he is. I love the quiet introspection he gives to every decision. I love the intensity on his handsome face when he’s scribbling songs in his journal or playing his guitar. I love the adoration in his gaze when he watches his sisters and the joyful laugh he emits when he chases them around the playground. I love the respect shining in his eyes when he speaks with Dillon and the fierce way he protects his brother when Easton doesn’t even notice it. I love his intelligence and his fight and his focus. I love how he hugs me. I love when he calls me Mom.”
A sob tears from my throat, rippling through the still night air. “He’s the sweetest boy, Reeve. You would have been so proud of him, and you’d be so worried now if you knew how messed up he is. A lot of that is your fault, and I’m pissed at you, but I can’t get mad at you without turning that lens around on myself. I have tried to be the best mother to him and Easton, to my daughters too, but I’m failing. I’m failing my boys. They are both floundering, and I don’t know how to help them!”
Tears spill from my eyes and I let them fall even though it feels like I’ve shed enough tears to fill an ocean recently. “Easton will be okay. I know he will. It doesn’t stop me worrying about him, but I know he’ll get through this. With Bodhi, I am genuinely terrified, Reeve. I know he is still the same sweet boy deep down inside. I know he is hurting and lashing out, but I’m so scared.”
I get up and walk to the tree, running my finger over Reeve’s name carved in the wood before doing the same with Lainey’s. “I can’t lose him too, and I’m fearful he’s following a path he won’t return from. It’s a path I can’t follow, and that hurts so bad. I’m supposed to hold my kids’ hands and be with them for everything. But I can’t follow Bodhi down this particular path, and I am terrified. If anything happens to him, I will die!” Wracking sobs rip from my chest as I drop to my knees, pressing my brow to the bark. “Help him, Reeve. I know you’re still out there. Please help our son. Help me and Dillon to do the right thing. Just…help.”
A gentle breeze lifts strands of my hair, and the lightest touch sweeps across my cheek. I whip my head back as my breath stutters in my chest. My nostrils twitch as a familiar spicy scent tickles the back of my nose. Tears stream unbidden down my face as I bring my fingers to my cheek. “Reeve,” I whisper, lifting my hand to my other cheek as I feel a light touch brush against it. “You’re here.” I tilt my head back, staring up at the stars as the breeze wraps around me, cocooning me in the illusion of safety. Warmth infiltrates my body as I half laugh, half cry, surrounded by the ghosts of my past.
Some might think I’m crazy, but kneeling in the ruined garden, with memories of my first love playing in my head and the feel of his love winding around me, I feel at peace for the first time in weeks.
* * *
“I think your brother is considering having me committed,” I joke a few hours later, stretching along Ash’s comfy velvet couch as I knock back another glass of wine.
“Nonsense.” Ash kicks her feet up on her coffee table. “He knows you used to feel Reeve around, and he made his peace with that a long time ago.”
“I haven’t felt him in years, Ash.” I sit up a little straighter, turning on my side to face my sister-in-law. Audrey was supposed to be joining us for a girl’s night in, but Lake and Kylo, her two-year-old twins, both came down with a fever this evening and she didn’t want to leave them. “Do you think he’s really there or is it my imagination conjuring him up at times of need?”
She shrugs, looking contemplative as she stares off into space. “The brain is a complex organ, and we still don’t know enough about it. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism for times of high stress, or maybe he really is still there. If any man could stay anchored to the mortal realm, it would be Reeve Lancaster. That man was obsessed with you, and he loved you so fucking much. If there was a way to stay around you, I know he’d make it happen.”
“Dillon has been incredible these past few weeks. I would be hanging from the cray-cray tree by my fingernails if it wasn’t for your brother. I don’t need Reeve to cope. I have Dillon.”
“This has brought everything to the surface again. It’s understandable you might feel drawn to Reeve at a time like this.”
“Something compelled me to go out to the garden tonight.”
“Whether it was Reeve or your brain tricking you isn’t really the issue though. What matters is it helped, right?”
“Yeah, it did, which is kind of silly, but—”
“Nope, not silly.” She vigorously shakes her head. “Take the wins where you can, Viv, and don’t ever feel bad for it.”
“I love you,” I tell her because it’s the damn truth.
“I love you too.” She grabs the bottle of wine and tops off both our glasses. “I know someone else who loves you extra special tonight.”
I grin at her, and it’s a miracle I can smile. “Let me guess. A tall, sexy, super talented rock star who is currently at my house with your husband and your brother perfecting the lyrics to the last track on the new Collateral Damage album, the one I am going to sing alongside him?”
“Ding, ding, ding!” She beams at me. “He was so excited when he called to tell me.”