Despite what people might think of me, I have feelings.
“This isn’t easy on me,” I admit. “You think I like holding back when I see the woman I love torturing herself because she believes she doesn’t deserve to be happy? I know she has feelings for me, but she’s going to bury them until she forgets they exist. And I have to hold back from telling my son he’s my son because the timing needs to be right. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to be around that little boy and not tell him?” I lean my elbows on the table. “Do you know how badly I want him to call me daddy? And how badly I want to take care of both of them? How I lie in bed every night thinking of them over in that big sad lonely house wishing I could be there to help ease their pain?”
Pressure sits on my chest. “We built that memorial garden for Reeve. The three of us. And I thought it would help her to see that we can do this together. That she doesn’t need to handle everything alone, but she’s more withdrawn than ever.” I rub at my stinging eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I constantly second-guess myself, and I don’t know if I’m even helping.”
“I’m sorry, Dil.” Ash reaches across the table, taking my hand. “No one is dismissing your feelings, and we know it’s difficult for you.”
“You’re doing amazing with both of them,” Jamie supplies. “And Vivien may not want to see it or accept it, but she needs you, and you can’t give up on her.”
“I’m never giving up on her, Jay. Never again. No matter how tough it gets, I’m going nowhere.” I exhale heavily, kicking my feet up on the table. “Fuck, I’d kill for a smoke.” I gave the ciggies up last February, but I still crave them.
Ash squeezes my hand. “I love you, brother. And I truly believe Viv does too. I’m sorry for making fun of you. That wasn’t fair.” She wets her lips as Jamie sneakily grabs her drink, finishing off her juice. “I didn’t mean for you to deny who you are or to bite your tongue around her. You can be cognizant of her needs and still be you. In fact, I think you need to be more you. That’s what she needs now.”
“What exactly are you saying, Ash, because you’re confusing the hell outta me.”
“You need to be your normal dickhead self. Viv needs Dickhead Dillon. You holding back from speaking your mind is the worst idea. Stop overthinking it, and just be you.”
I look at my mate. “Women are batshit crazy. They say one thing but mean another. You deserve a fucking gold medal for putting up with that shite for all these years.”
“Fact.”Jamie mouths behind Ash’s back, but he doesn’t say a word out loud, because he’s so fucking pussy-whipped he’s terrified to admit I speak the truth.
Ash pinches my cheek. “Way to piss me off when I was starting to feel sympathy for you.”
“Aw, whatever.” I stand. “I’m out of here.”
She eyes me suspiciously. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to talk to Viv about Easton.”
* * *
“What are you doing back here?” Vivien asks when she opens her front door to me.
“I need to speak to you, and it can’t wait until Friday.” Viv lets me collect East from school every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I dropped him off earlier, but I didn’t stay because I was in a foul mood. Ash’s words have given me the permission I felt I needed, and I’m feeling invigorated. I don’t want to argue with Viv, but she needs someone to talk sense into her, and that job has got my name written all over it.
I push past her, not waiting for an invite.
“Dillon, wait.” Her sandals clack against the tiled floor as she chases after me. I duck into the formal dining room because the playground can’t be seen from this room. I don’t want Easton to see me. At least not until I have spoken to his mum.
Viv races into the room, scowling at me.
“Shut the door.”
“This is my house.” She folds her arms over her chest.
I glance at the large family portrait that hangs on the far wall. “I’m well aware. Now shut the fucking door, Vivien Grace. We don’t want Easton to hear this conversation.”
“I’m not telling him yet!” she shrieks, slamming the door shut. “It’s too soon.”
“Stop panicking, Viv. I’m not here about that. We need to talk about this crazy idea you have about taking East out of school.”
She crosses her arms over her chest again. “It’s not a crazy idea. It makes perfect sense, and I’ve already got tutor interviews lined up.”
“He needs to be around other kids, Viv, and he loves school.”
“I know he does, but this is in his best interest. You know what happened yesterday and we had a similar incident at camp. It’s not going to stop, and I need to protect him.”
“Mollycoddling him isn’t the same as protecting him. You need to let him fight these battles himself. Trying to shield him from them will only do more harm than good. This is the world we live in. There will be more assholes to contend with. He needs to understand that and learn how to handle it himself.”