I run a hand through my hair, loving that it’s getting longer again. I feel more like myself. “Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an alcoholic. My stint in rehab was more about clearing my head and processing some shit than drying out.” I stand. “Why don’t I get the drinks, and we can talk?”
I’m half expecting her to kick me out, like she usually does after Easton goes to bed on Friday nights. But she nods, and I don’t stop to question it, hightailing it out of there before she changes her mind.
The kitchen is empty, because Friday night is Charlotte’s night off, so I rummage around, grabbing crisps and chocolate from the overhead press because I’m feeling peckish and Viv can easily handle the calorific treats. She’s thinner than ever from a combination of stress and a lack of appetite. I pour her a chilled glass of wine and grab a bottle of beer before heading back to the living room with our drinks and treats.
Viv is staring off into space, looking deep in thought, and I wish I could read minds because I would give anything to know what she’s thinking. I dump the goodies on the coffee table and hand her the glass of wine. Although I want to cozy up to her, I stay down my end of the sofa, giving her space.
“I used to drink far too much,” I start telling her as I pop the cap on my beer. “But it was a conscious decision to blot out all the crap in my head. I wasn’t addicted in the sense I physically couldn’t stop myself from drinking although I know using it as a crutch is almost as bad. It’s why I purposely don’t drink as much now. That and I’m trying to be healthier.” I have a son who needs me now. A son who has already lost one father, and I am determined to be there for him in every sense of the word.
“What crap is in your head?” She tucks her knees into her chest while sipping her wine.
“I wasn’t in a good place after you left. Things happened pretty fast when the A&R scout came to see us in Dublin. I used the money I got from the NDA to relocate us to L.A. After we signed with the label, they booked us into Capitol Studios to work on our first album. I’d been writing furiously all year, and we had enough songs for two or three albums.”
“Were they about me?” she blurts, and my heart melts when a familiar red stain blooms on both her cheeks. “‘Hollywood Ho’ and ‘Fuck Love,’” she clarifies.
I nod. “I went through a lot of stages after I lost you. The first year I was heartbroken and drowning in pain and guilt and remorse, and that’s when I wrote ‘You are my Only Reason,’ ‘Queen of my Heart,’ ‘Broken Love,’ and a whole load of other songs which went on to become bestsellers. By year two, I entered the next stage, and I was fucking pissed.” I knock back a large mouthful of beer. “It started when I discovered you had gotten married and had a kid.”
“Did you suspect he might be yours?”
“I was suspicious enough to google Easton’s date of birth. I read a bunch of articles which all said his birthday was in June, so that was that.” I stare off into space, remembering one of the hardest times of my life. “You and Reeve were plastered all over social media, and it seemed like he was in every fucking bestselling movie that year. I couldn’t get away from either of you and it was killing me. I wrote ‘Hollywood Ho’ and ‘Fuck Love’ at the height of my rage and my depression when I hated you for what you did to me.”
“I cried the first time I heard ‘Hollywood Ho.’ I knew it was about me, and I couldn’t understand how you could hate me that much.”
“There’s a fine line between love and hate, Viv. I’ve heard that bandied about a lot, but it wasn’t until I was in that situation that I could truly understand what it means.” She opens her mouth to speak, but I shake my head to stall her. I’m not finished, and I need to get this all out. I lean forward, straining toward her. She drinks her wine, giving me her undivided attention, and while this stuff is tough to wade through, I wouldn’t swap this moment for anything.
I have always loved just existing with her.
Vivien brings a sense of inner peace to my soul whenever I am around her, in a way no one else does.