13
VIVIEN
“You need to eat,” Audrey says, zipping up my black dress from behind. “You look so thin.”
“I know,” I deadpan. I know a body needs food to sustain it. That I’ll perish if I don’t fuel my body, but I can’t eat. Even the thought of food makes me ill. You can’t tell I was ever pregnant now, and that only adds to my sadness. I’m barely surviving despite my silent promises to myself to do better for Easton’s sake.
My son is struggling. He doesn’t understand why his daddy hasn’t come home. He’s convinced himself Reeve is away on a movie set, and the only way I know to get through to him is to bring him to the funeral with me today.
Alex and Audrey have been a lifeline for me in the same way my parents have. They too have put their lives on hold to be here for us. I’ve wanted to keep Easton at home, away from prying eyes, and our best friends have been helping to keep him occupied while Mom tries to glue me back together. Dad is dealing with practical matters, like arranging the funeral, sorting out legal shit, and dealing with the police.
I told Officer Lawson I didn’t want to press charges against the man driving the other car. It was a horrible night. Visibility was terrible, and it was an accident. Faulty airbags didn’t help, and toxicology reports taken during Reeve’s postmortem confirmed he was over the legal limit. He should never have been driving. I should have forced him into the passenger seat and insisted I drive. I should have refused to get in the car until he agreed.
Round and round my mind churns, going over all the what-ifs.
“Are you sure you want Easton to attend the funeral?” Audrey asks as she runs some serum through my wavy hair. I’ve been like a zombie as my bestie got me in the shower, dried and styled my hair, and applied makeup to my pale face. She even helped me to bind my breasts, which are engorged and rock hard thanks to my milk coming in. Every time I touch them and they hurt, I’m reminded of my loss all over again.
“I asked him, and he said he wants to go.”
She looks at me like I’ve truly lost my mind, and I get it. I know I said some mad shit in the aftermath of the accident when I woke in the hospital. Mistakinghimfor my husband being the worst of it. I turn around to face my friend. “I know he is young. Probably too young to make that decision, but I don’t want him to turn around to me in the future and blame me for not letting him attend his father’s and his little sister’s funeral.” I’m expecting tears to form, like usual, but my eyes are suspiciously dry.
Perhaps I have worn out my tear ducts.
“I know this will be horrible. I’m dreading it so I can only imagine how Easton is feeling, but it might help in a warped way. Maybe if he sees the coffin and he has a chance to say goodbye, it might sink in.” I know I’m hoping it will for me because most days I still wake up believing it’s just a bad dream. Until reality sets in, and I’m devastated as if I’m hearing the news for the first time.
Audrey reels me into her arms. “I can’t believe we are here. I still can’t believe this has happened.” She holds me tighter, sobbing. “It’s not fair.”
“I know.” I sound devoid of life as I smooth a hand up and down her back. This past week has taken everything from me. Especially the last few days; hosting visitors who came to pay their respects. It almost felt like a test. Like God is continuing to push and push, to stretch me to my limits, to see how far he can go before I completely break. It’s left me emotionally drained, and feeling completely unprepared for today.
“Ash called me,” she says, easing back. “I don’t want there to be any surprises, so you should know she’ll be there with her family. With him.”
I gulp painfully. “I don’t know why he insists on being there. He made no secret of the fact he hated Reeve. It’s too late now to care.”
“I get the impression he’s there for you and Easton.”
Anger boils in my blood, and I grind my teeth to the molars. “He better stay the hell away from my son!” A red haze coats my retinas. “You tell Ash to keep him away from me and my son.”
“That message has already been relayed. She assures me he won’t approach you. That he just wants to pay his respects.”
I snort. “A likely story.”
“I can talk to your dad and Leon. We can refuse him entry to the church.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to make a scene. Especially not in front of the media.” Reporters and paparazzi are stalking us since the accident. They are all desperate to get photos of me and Easton. Desperate to hear what happened that night.
I hate them as much as I ever have.
Reeve’s publicist, Edwin, dropped by the house to pay his respects. He suggested I talk to him when I’m feeling up to it. He says it’s better to talk to the press in an arranged interview and he can make them go away, but I doubt I will ever be strong enough to do that.
“What are you going to do about him? From what Ash has said, he’s not going to drop it.”
“I don’t expect him to, but I can’t think about that right now. I just need to get through today.” I know I need to tell my parents. They deserve to know the truth. Easton does too, and I won’t lie to him about his parentage. But there is no way I’m mentioning anything to him yet. He needs time to grieve for Reeve. Only then will I even contemplate how to tell him who Dillon is to him. I know I won’t be able to hold Dillon off that long. That we need to talk. But I can’t talk to him yet.
Ash and I spoke when she came to visit me in the hospital. It was a brief conversation, and I was in and out of consciousness a lot of the time. I’m touched she came and that she wants to meet up. I think I’d like that too, but I need to survive today first. Easton is my sole priority and the focus of all my energy. I don’t have room or the strength for anything else.
* * *
Easton clings to my side as we sit in the front pew of the church staring at the coffin. I asked for our daughter to be buried in her daddy’s arms. While my faith in God is seriously tested right now, I take comfort in knowing wherever they are they are together. I know my husband is caring for our little girl in the same loving, adoring way he cared for me and E.