12
VIVIEN
“Are you sure you want to do this now?” Mom asks, stalling at the door to my bedroom.
“I can’t keep putting it off. He’s confused. Every time he asks for his daddy, I fall apart.”
My parents have been keeping Easton sheltered at the house since the accident. They told him Mommy and Daddy were away for a few days, purposely keeping the details vague. Mom knew I would want to tell E myself, but I was so out of it when I returned home, and I’ve been unable to do much more than sleep and cry. My parents deflected his questions, and I know how hard that has been on them. They don’t want to lie to their grandson, and I can’t continue to keep him in the dark. Easton needs to know, and that responsibility falls to me. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to tell him for the last twenty-four hours.
How do you tell a five-year-old that his daddy is dead and the little sister he was so excited to meet died in my womb the same night?
How am I expected to go on when it feels like I died that night too?
Thank God for my parents. They have been caring for Easton, and it brought me comfort to know he was well looked after when I wasn’t here to do it and after I came home when I was incapable of doing much of anything.
It’s been four days since I was discharged from the hospital and six days since I lost Reeve and Lainey, but it already feels like an eternity. Tears pump out of my eyes as that thought lands in my mind, and Mom rushes across the floor to hold me in her arms. “Darling, I wish I could take your pain away.”
“The pain helps me to remember, and I never want to forget.”
“Sweetheart.” Mom strokes my hair. “You will never forget them. Don’t cling to the pain because you won’t heal unless you try to let it go.”
“I’ll never heal, Mom. I’ll never get over losing them. I miss Reeve so much already.” Heaving sobs wrack my chest, and I’m crying into her shoulder, clinging to her, wishing I could wake up and discover it’s all been a bad dream. Pain races across my chest, infiltrating my bloodstream, invading every part of my body.
Physically, I’m still suffering after the accident, but that’s the kind of pain I can tolerate. The strong pain meds the hospital prescribed help a lot. I wish there was a pill I could pop to numb the ever-present emotional pain.
“I know, honey. I know how much you will miss him. He’s been such a huge part of your life, but he wouldn’t want this for you. He wouldn’t want to see you like this. He died saving you.”
Mom’s tears mix with my own as they have done so often in the past few days. Reeve was more than just a son-in-law to my parents. He was a son to them, from the instant he was born, except in name. “I know it’s too soon. You need to process these emotions. We all do,” she adds, sniffling. “But you need to find the strength to live because that is the best way you can honor Reeve. And that little boy needs his mommy, now more than ever.”
I want to be there for Easton, but I’ve been so distraught these last few days that I haven’t been able to support him. That ends now. My son needs me, and I need him. He is all I have left. I dry my tears with the sleeves of my silk robe. “I won’t fail Easton. I will fight to go on. For him.”
She kisses my temple. “That’s my girl. But make sure you do it for you too, Vivien. You deserve to continue to live your life to the fullest. It won’t happen yet, or anytime soon, but you are not alone. We are all here for you, and we will be with you every step of the way.”
That’s not exactly true. My parents will have to return to the movie set soon. Oh, I know them. I know they are both trying to extricate themselves from the production. But there is no way that can happen. They can’t lose the director and the leading lady. They can’t reshoot a movie that’s halfway through filming, and every day the movie is on hold costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. They will have to return after the funeral, and I’ll just have to learn to cope by myself.
It’s a scary proposition. One I’m not sure I can manage, but my son needs me to be strong, and I’m determined to at least try. “Can you get Easton now? I’m okay.” As long as I try to keep thoughts of Reeve and Lainey from my mind for the few minutes it takes to break my little son’s heart.
It feels like I’ve lied to him and betrayed him. E was there every day with Reeve, singing and talking to my belly, and I am letting him down in the worst way imaginable. He was so excited to meet his sister, and he’s going to be so upset. My lower lip wobbles, and tears threaten, but I manage to hold it together.
“Mommy.” Easton races across my bedroom, flinging himself into my arms.
“Careful, sweetheart,” my mom says. “Remember we told you Mommy wasn’t feeling well? Well, she has some pains in her tummy, and we need to be gentle with her.”
“What about my little sister?” Easton asks, looking worried. “Does she have pains too?”
Gulping over the messy ball of emotion in my throat, I breathe deeply as I pat the space beside me on the bed. “Come sit here. I need a cuddle.”
Easton snuggles into my side, and I wrap my arms around him, closing my eyes as I brush my nose against his hair. The sweet strawberry smell from his shampoo provides comfort as does the feel of him in my arms. I hold him a little tighter, careful not to crush him. I wish I could put him on my lap, but I already ripped my stitches out once, and I’ve been warned not to do any lifting or holding for another few weeks. “Honey, I need to tell you some sad news,” I start, working hard to keep the tremble from my voice. “You remember when we talked about Holy God and the angels and heaven?”
I’m not overly religious. Neither was Reeve.
His handsome face swims in front of my eyes, and I long to return to three weeks ago and do everything differently. If I had, we wouldn’t be here now. Reeve wouldn’t have been angry at me that night. He wouldn’t have been drinking so much because he thought I was having an affair behind his back with his long-lost twin. We would have made it home in one piece, and I wouldn’t be sitting here now about to crush my son’s heart into itty-bitty pieces. Pain stabs me through the heart, and I briefly squeeze my eyes shut.
“Yes,” Easton says, sounding confused and scared.
That snaps me out of my head. I open my eyes and place a kiss on his cheek. “Daddy and I were in a car accident. I was in the hospital getting better, but Daddy and Lainey have gone to heaven to be with God and the angels.”
Inwardly, I’m screaming as the words leave my mouth. Right now, I hate God as much as I hate Dillon O’Donoghue.