50
VIVIEN
Dillon breathes fire as he reads Reeve’s second letter over my shoulder. Lori has just left. We promised her we would talk about it and reach out to her in due course, but we need time to process everything. It’s a lot to take in. I lower my eyes to the letter, leaning in closer to Dillon, siphoning some of his warmth and his ever-present support.
My darling Vivien,
I know you are in shock and your mind is reeling at the news I have another son. A son I gave up because I knew there was no way I could keep you both. Giving Bodhi up for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I knew it was a choice between you and him, and I can't lose you without losing myself.
Choosing him would have meant turning into my dad because I would’ve pined for you, the same way he pined for my mom. I didn’t want my child to grow up in that kind of situation. To experience the childhood I had. Letting him go, giving him to good parents who will love him and give him a good life, is the best way I could demonstrate my love for my child.
“That is the biggest sack of shit I have ever heard in my life,” Dillon hisses, dragging his hands through his hair. “He didn’t even give you a chance to consider it, for fuck’s sake. He just made that decision for you too.”
“He knew me well enough to know I could never have accepted Saffron’s child.”
Dillon holds my face in his large, callused palms. “I think you’re selling yourself short, Viv. I know you would’ve been upset, at first, but I think, in time, you would have done the right thing. You have a big heart, and you’re a natural mother. I don’t think you would’ve turned an innocent child away.”
“You have a much higher opinion of me than I deserve,” I admit, not wanting to say this out loud, but we have promised each other complete honesty. “Because even now, I’m wondering how I could consider doing this knowing that bitch’s DNA flows through his veins.” Shame crashes into me. “What if I look at him and all I see is her?” I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. Soft lips land in my hair as my husband pulls me close. “You’re in shock right now. We both are, and we might feel differently once we’ve had time to digest the news.”
I rest my head on his chest. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Read the rest of the letter.”
I have tried to move on and forget about my eldest son, but it hasn’t been easy, no matter how wonderful our life together is. Lori has sent me pictures of Bodhi, and it’s hard sometimes not to look at Easton and see my other son. It’s hard not to feel guilty when I consider how I’ve denied Easton his brother.
My chest heaves painfully because that’s one of my greatest fears now. I underline that part in the letter with the tip of my finger. “That is very true.” I look up at Dillon. “If we don’t take Bodhi in, how do we tell Easton we turned him away? We would be no different than Simon.”
“Don’t talk bullshit,” Dillon snaps. “Thisisdifferent. Simon made a conscious decision to give me away and split us up. He either gave no consideration to our feelings or he realized the full extent of his actions and he couldn’t care less. You and I haven’t made the decisions which have led to this point.”
“No, but the decisions we make now will impact Bodhi and Easton. We may not have asked for the responsibility, but it’s ours whether we like it or not.”
“Is it really though, Viv?” His troubled blue eyes penetrate mine. “Lori is his mother. It’s her responsibility. Her and Travis.” He scoffs, looking disgusted. “Reeve sure did a great job picking the right parents. Bodhi is only six, and he’s already lost his dad due to divorce, and now he’s going to lose his mother.”
“That’s not fair, Dillon. I’m sure Reeve thought he was making the best choice giving him to family. Lori is nothing like Saffron. It was obvious she’s a decent parent and a good mother who loves her son. It’s not her fault her marriage didn’t work out or that she got cancer.”
Dillon blows air out of his mouth. “I know it’s not her fault, but this is what happens when you give your kid away. You’re gambling with their future.”
“It turned out okay for you,” I remind him.
“I was lucky. So fucking lucky.”
I smile, caressing his face. “I love hearing you acknowledge that now.”
He presses a kiss to my palm. “I was an idiot for taking it for granted.” A dark expression washes over his face. “Finish the letter before I burn the damn thing.”
I haven’t regretted my decision, no matter how callous that makes me sound.
“I’m glad he realizes what a selfish prick he was,” Dillon grumbles. I ignore his little outburst, wanting to finish this so I can call Alex.
But Ihavesuffered huge remorse. My only salvation is knowing Bodhi is loved and well cared for and he’s happy.
I don’t know the circumstances under which Lori has come to you. I send her an updated letter every December so she has a way of contacting you if she needs help and I’m not there to support her. If you are reading this, it means she has nowhere to turn and she needs you. I know this is a lot to ask, especially if something has happened to me, but there is no one else I trust more than you.
Please help her. Do what you can for her and Bodhi.
If you can find it in your heart, please forgive me for making this choice and for keeping it a secret from you. Everything I have done was for you, for us, for Easton. I have tried to do right by Bodhi too, but I’m well aware of how it must look. I could never have asked you to take in her son. I know how much I hurt you back then, and I never want to be the cause of your pain ever again.
I love you, Vivien. I have loved you my whole life, and I know I will love you in the afterlife too. You have given me more joy than you know, and I will love you for eternity. Kiss Easton for me, and tell him I’m proud of him.