19
Iwake the following morning, after a sleepless night crying into my pillow, determined to end things with Reeve permanently. Pain eviscerates every part of me even thinking the thought, but I don’t see how we can continue with the way things are.
Reeve shows up that night, with flowers and apologies, promising me he’ll do better. He swears he’ll stop taking drugs and make more time for me. When he begs me not to break up with him, to give him a chance to make things right, I concede. I still love him so much, and I can’t bear the thought of losing him, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that bitch played a part in my decision-making process. If I break up with Reeve, I’ll be making things easier for Saffron. She’ll be waiting in the wings to console him, and he’ll get sucked even deeper into her orbit.
I don’t want that for him, because she’s poison and she’ll only bring him down.
But I’m also not going to let her steal him from me. We have invested years in one another, and I’m not letting some psycho bitch trample over our history and destroy our plans for the future. I need to trust Reeve loves me and believe our love is strong enough to withstand the next couple of years and come out stronger for it.
The months pass, and I throw myself into college life to avoid confronting the gaping hole Reeve’s absence leaves in my heart. He is crazy busy between auditions, promotion, and filming, and we barely talk more than a couple of times a week. I haven’t seen him since January, and we weren’t together for our birthdays again, which sucked. Pictures of Reeve, with Saffron, blowing out candles on his birthday cake made the front page of almost every magazine and newspaper, forcing me to confront the fact the world believes they are dating and that he and I are no more.
It sickens me, and my heart physically aches all the damn time. Yet, I don’t voice my fears to Reeve anymore, because I’m sick of sounding like a broken record.
Freshman year of college ends, and I vacation in Europe with Audrey for the entire summer break. Reeve’s career is on the up and up, and he has landed another couple of high-profile roles. He’s filming a new movie with established actors all summer in Australia with no break, which means I won’t get to see him.
At least he’s not with that conniving bitch. Saffron is occupied filming in the US, so I am able to relax a little. Speculation about the state of their relationship is rampant online, along with anticipation for the nextRydeville Elitemovie. Reeve now has forty million followers on social media, according to Audrey. I avoid looking at any posts or media commentary. I prefer to languish in ignorant bliss, even if my overactive imagination loves torturing me on a near constant basis.
I return to my parents’ house in August for a week, before college resumes, and Reeve makes a surprise appearance, much to my delight. We stay holed up in his house for the week, catching up. Paparazzi follow his every move these days, and fans turn up in the most obscure places, so hiding out is our only option. We can’t be seen together, but I’m not complaining. Having Reeve to myself is something I’ve desperately craved.
I’d like to say it helps, but there’s a massive void between us, and even sex can’t bridge the gap. For the first time ever, there’s a disconnect in our relationship, and it’s breaking my heart. Everything I believed I had mapped out for my future is in flux, and I’m drowning in a sea of uncertainty. I should talk to Reeve about it. The old Vivien would’ve had no qualms in broaching the topic, but I can’t form the words to open such a conversation, and I think Reeve is the same. We avoid talking about the elephant in the room, but I wonder how long it will be before one of us cracks.
“What’re you going to do?” Audrey asks when we meet up at our new apartment a few days before classes resume. Neither of us could bear to return to the dorms, so we found a plush, spacious, two-bedroom penthouse that is only a ten-minute walk from campus.
“I don’t know.” I sigh, flopping down on our new leather couch. “I’m in limbo, and it feels like my life is on hold.”
Audrey sinks onto the multicolored rug on the floor, sitting cross-legged as she faces me. “It does get easier. You know I struggled at first without Alex, but I’m over it, and we’ve managed to resume our friendship.”
“Do you still love him?”
She drums her fingers on her chin as she stares into space. “I don’t know. There are definitely still feelings there, but I’m reluctant to dig too deep because what’s the point?” She shrugs. “I’ve accepted we can’t be together, and I’m having fun hooking up with random guys. I’m not ready for anything heavy with Alex or anyone else.”
Audrey had a few casual romances this summer, and while I have no genuine desire to kiss anyone but Reeve, I’ll admit I was envious. I’m starved for human touch, and I’m not just talking about sex. I miss Reeve’s arms around me and the adoring way he used to pepper my face with kisses, and I absolutely hate sleeping alone. It’s worse now I’ve just had a week’s reminder, and I’m missing him as much as I did at the start.
“Do you think I should end it with Reeve?”
She shrugs. “I think you should do whatever it takes to be happy.” She scoots closer, taking my hands. “I don’t want to see you moping again this year. These are the best years of our lives and you should be enjoying college more than you are. I hate seeing you so unhappy.”
“I still love him, Audrey,” I quietly admit. “Sometimes, I wish I didn’t, because it would make the decision easier.”
“I know.” She nods, squeezing my hands tighter.
“The thought of letting him go kills me.” I wrench my hand from hers, rubbing it across the sudden tight pain in my chest. “But it feels like I’m slowly dying inside. We might be technically together, but we’re not really. It feels like I’ve already lost my boyfriend, because I hardly ever get to see him, and our phone calls are tense and filled with all the things we aren’t saying. I think we’re both clinging on by our fingernails.”
“I’m sorry, babe. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could tell you what to do, but it’s got to be your decision.”
“I know.” Leaning on my side on the couch, I slide my hands under my face. “I can’t imagine my life without Reeve in it, and I’m counting down the days until he’s finished with these wretched films.”
“The last movie doesn’t premiere for a year and a half. That’s a long time to hang on when you’re miserable.”
“He’ll finish filming with her by next summer, so it’s only a year. I feel I owe it to my relationship to go the distance.”
She tosses her long red hair behind her shoulders. “Don’t hate me for saying this, but are you sure you’re hanging on for the right reasons?”
I purse my lips, urging her to continue with a nod, though I’m sure I know what she’s going to say.
“Are you sure this is about love and not about one-upping that bitch?”
“You mean would I cling to Reeve if I didn’t love him anymore purely to spite that slut?”