59
My tear ducts are broken. Worse than they were when Reeve splintered my heart. I can’t stop crying. I haven’t been able to since Dillon walked out of my bedroom last night. Pain is an ever-present pressure on my chest and lump blocking my throat. Spindly fingers have a vise-grip on my heart, and they refuse to let go, squeezing and squeezing until I can barely breathe. Anxiety and heartache kept me awake most of last night. At least it might mean I can sleep on the plane. My flight leaves at four in the morning, but I have to be at the airport by one, so tonight is officially my last night on Irish soil.
Packing the last of my things in my suitcase, I glance at my cell, but Dillon still hasn’t returned any of my calls or messages. Although he was cruel last night and he said a lot of hurtful things, I know he lashed out because I hurt him first. I froze when he told me he loved me, and I was wrong not to say it back. I was wrong to keep that truth locked up inside me for so long instead of letting it out. Maybe if I had opened that conversation earlier, he would have asked me to stay, and we might have found a way of making it work. I’m not really sure how, but we never gave us a chance to find out.
It’s too late to do anything about that now, but I can rectify at least one thing.
Ash props her hip against the door. “Are you sure about this?” she asks, her eyes skimming over my empty room. She’s moving in with Jamie at the end of the week when the rental agreement officially ends here. They have found their own one-bedroom place, and it’s a big deal for them. I’m happy for my friend, and I hope Jay doesn’t fuck things up. She’s going to need him in the coming weeks because I know she will miss me as much as I’ll miss her.
“Yes. I can’t leave things how they were last night.”
“I’m worried.” She pushes off the door, entering my room. “He was so drunk and so angry last night. I’ve seen my brother press the self-destruct button before. It’s not pretty, and he’s liable to do or say anything.”
“I appreciate the heads-up, but I’ve still got to do this.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt.” She pulls me into a hug, and we cling to one another. “I am going to miss you so much. You better phone me every day.”
“I will, and I sent my US number to your cell as I won’t be using my Irish cell anymore.”
“Are you sure you can’t stay?” she asks, shucking out of our embrace.
“I don’t see how it’s possible.” I push air out of my mouth. “I mean, I could probably arrange a permanent transfer to Trinity and come back, but what good is me being here if Dillon is off traveling with the band?”
“You know he’s got concerns about going to the US, and that’s even if this meeting with the A&R guy pans out. It might turn into nothing.”
“I doubt that. The guys are way too fucking talented to be passed over forever. If it doesn’t happen now, it will happen at some point.”
“He’d drop out for you.”
My eyes widen. “He said that?”
She shakes her head. “He doesn’t have to say it for me to know it’s the truth. I know he would choose you over the band in a heartbeat.”
“I wouldn’t want him to do that. I wouldn’t want him to pass up such an amazing opportunity for me. It would come back to haunt us, and I couldn’t live with that kind of guilt.”
“You could go with them. Switch to online classes and travel the world with the band. That’s what I’m going to do if it takes off for them.”
“You have it all worked out.” I smile sadly.
Her hands land on my shoulders. “I am the last person in the world who has her shit together, but it’s not insurmountable. You can make this work if you want to. I just hate to see you both miserable and hurting. He loves you. You love him. That should be enough.”
“It should be, but it often isn’t.” Of course, my mind instantly wanders to Reeve. I thought our love was enough to weather any storm, to climb any mountain, but it wasn’t.
“Don’t bite my head off for saying this, but is your past with Reeve clouding your judgment when it comes to Dil?”
“Undoubtedly,” I agree without hesitation. “But I can’t help how I feel. I took a risk once before, and it burned me in a bad way. Even if it was possible to travel with Dillon, there will still be the groupies and the media, and I don’t think I can do that again.”
“They’ll be there when you return to L.A.”
“They don’t care about me anymore. I’m no longer newsworthy.”
“You will be if you get back with Reeve.” Her eyes narrow a little.
“I have no plans to do that.” Truthfully, I don’t know what will happen with Reeve and me when I return home, and I don’t have the brain capacity to contemplate it now.
“All I’ve heard about Reeve, from you and Audrey, tells me he’s not going to give up on you. You have history and a bucketload of shared memories. What chance does Dillon stand against that?”
“Ash, stop.” I rub a tense spot between my brows. “Don’t do this. I don’t want to fight with you before I leave. This has never been a competition between them. I love them both. You know that. I really do love your brother.” My heart cracks, and a sob bursts from my lips. “I love him so much, and that’s why I’m stepping into the lion’s den tonight. I’m going to tell him what I should have told him last night.”