45
“Hey, are you okay?” Ash sticks her head through the door of my bedroom the following morning. Concerned eyes meet my bloodshot ones. “I heard you crying.”
“No,” I admit, sobbing openly.
She strides across the room, bundling me into her arms. “If my dickhead brother has caused this, I’m going to fucking castrate him,” she seethes.
I know how much Ash loves Dillon, so the fact she’s willing to instantly go into battle for me means more than I can say. Ash was out last night when I got home, so we haven’t had a chance to speak about my date. “It’s not Dillon’s fault. It couldn’t have been a better date, and he couldn’t have been more of a gentleman.”
“Ah.” She hugs me close, smoothing a hand along my back. “You’re feeling confused and guilty.”
I nod even though it’s more than that.
“The first time I slept with someone after Cillian, I physically threw up. Then I crawled into my bed and cried for three days straight.” She stares off into space while stroking my hair. “No one understood. They assumed I was over him because it’d been six months since things ended. They didn’t understand that grief and heartache don’t work to a specific timeline or understand how I could seem to be over him one day and be disconsolate the next.”
I’ve suffered those whiplash mood swings too. The type that makes me feel like I’m an emotional headcase and I’m going insane. “Yes,” I sniff, shucking out of her arms and sitting back against the headboard. “Yes to all that, but it’s also the bittersweet feeling that I’m moving on, and why do I feel so fucking guilty? I was the one who was betrayed. Reeve and I have been broken up for almost four months, so why am I wracked with guilt? Why does it feel like I’ve cheated onhim?”
“Because you meant forever when you promised him that.” She sits beside me, tucking her petite legs into her chest. “If there’s one thing I remember from that time, it’s don’t try to find logic or make sense of everything you feel. You feel it for a reason. You’re justified in feeling it, and it’s all part of the bigger picture. It’s all part of healing.”
“I really hope you’re right because I’m done feeling like my emotions are playing ping-pong with my head and my heart.”
She turns to face me. “You had a good time with Dillon though, right?” Expectation lights up her pretty face.
A genuine smile crests over my lips. “I had the best time. It was awesome. Dillon was awesome.” I fill her in quickly on where we went and what we did, including the fact we kissed.
“Yes!” she exclaims, making a funny gesture with her arm. “Ro owes me twenty.”
I quirk a brow. “Do I want to know?”
“He said there was no way you’d get on the bike with Dil, but I knew you would, so we bet on it.” She nudges my shoulder, smiling. “Lunch is on me on Monday.”
“You’re lucky you won that bet.” I swipe at the dampness coating my cheeks. “Because it was definitely touch and go at the start.”
She repositions herself on my bed, sitting cross-legged. “I know you have a rebellious streak in you, Viv. It’s not obvious, unless you dig deep, but it’s there. You haven’t had a chance to let loose because of how you grew up andwhereyou grew up, but you can be anyone you want to be here.” She touches my arm. “That’s the other reason I knew you were better suited to Dil and not Ro. He’ll help you embrace that inner part of yourself you’ve never explored.”
“Are you high right now?” I peer into her clear blue eyes.
She laughs before swinging her legs off the side of the bed. “Deny it all you want, but I know what I see.”
I roll my eyes because she’s clearly delusional. I don’t have a rebellious bone in my body.
“Ro will be here shortly to get the bus with me. Why don’t you come with us? You know Mum would love to see you. She was just asking me this week when you’re coming back for dinner.”
“Your mom is one of the sweetest, kindest people I’ve met, and I hate saying no, but I’ll just be a Debbie Downer if I come. I’d rather eat ice cream in my pajamas while watching back-to-back romantic movies.”
Sympathy splays across her face, and I know I don’t need to explain it. Ash understands in a way most girls our age wouldn’t. “Don’t be too charitable. I’m guessing she’s hoping you’ll call your mum again so she can talk to her one more time.”
I grin despite my present heartache. “I have it on good authority that she’s about to receive a special care package from L.A. this week.”
“Get out!” Ash’s eyes widen.
“Don’t breathe a word. Mom wants it to be a surprise.”
She bounces on the bed, jostling the mattress. “What is it?”
“A bunch of DVDs, some signed promo shit, and Mom included some local L.A. produce. Candles, candy, skincare stuff, and God knows what else. Knowing Mom, she went to town.” Mom is delighted Ash’s family have taken me under their wing. I think it helps to reassure her knowing there is a mother figure in my life when I’m so far away.
“Oh my God. Mum is going to go crazy when that arrives.” She gives me another hug. “Thank you! And thank your mum from me.”