Josh wasn’t cruel. He didn’t manipulate people’s feelings for fun. But last week, he could’ve given Alex a run for his money in the cruelty department.
What if this was another one of his twisted games? He said everything I wanted to hear, but I didn’t trust his sudden one-eighty. A week wasn’t long enough for someone to get over the fury he’d displayed.
“For me, or for my tight pussy?” I asked, quoting him. My chin wobbled. “That’s my best quality, right?”
Pain slashed across his face. “Jules…”
“It’s not fair for you to do this.” My vow not to cry splintered as a tear scalded my cheek. “Just because I just fucked up doesn’t mean you can keep torturing me. We have to move on.”
A low growl rumbled from his chest.
Josh rubbed the tear away with his thumb, his touch infinitely gentle, but his eyes blazed with intensity. “There’s no fucking moving on,” he growled. “Not for me. Not for us.”
“You kicked me out of your house last week.” Fresh hurt strangled my lungs. “You fucked me, then you tossed me aside just like everyone else.”
He’d been angry, and rightfully so. But the memory of his words…the look in his eyes…
He weaponized the biggest insecurity I had and turned it against me.
Josh blanched, and the pain on his face sharpened into something so visceral it would’ve broken down my resistance had I not been so terrified.
As much as I wanted Josh back, I couldn’t put myself in a situation to be used or manipulated again.
“It’s been one week. What changed?” Another tear slipped down my cheek. “Do you miss the sex? Is that it?”
“No! That’s not…” Josh pushed a hand through his hair. “I admit, I reacted poorly when you told me the truth. More than poorly. I was blindsided, and I was so fucked in the head from everything that happened the past few years that I lashed out in the cruelest way I think of.” His Adam’s apple bobbed from the force of his swallow.
“Everyone I trusted has lied to me. But you…I told you things I’ve never told anyone. Things that hurt to admit even to myself. Your betrayal hit harder than any of the others combined, but that was my mistake. Thinking it was a betrayal when you were also the only person who’s ever told me the truth of your own accord. You didn’t wait until you were caught, even though you probably could’ve kept it a secret forever and I would’ve never found out. And I…” His voice cracked. “I was an idiot. And I’m sorry. And I lo—”
“Stop.” I couldn’t breathe. “Let me go. Please.”
I needed to think. To process. There was too much going on, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t…
I sucked in another shallow inhale. It did nothing to clear my light-headedness.
“I can’t.” Agony scraped his voice raw. “I’ll do anything you want except that.” Josh lowered his mouth, his heart a wild drum against mine. I turned before he made contact, terrified that if I gave even an inch, he’d take all of me and break the few whole parts I had left.
He froze, his breaths heavy with regret. “There’s no letting you go, Red. It would be easier if you asked me to tear my heart out with my own fucking hands.” He rubbed another tear from my face. “Yes, you made a mistake, but I was cruel, and I said things I never should’ve said.”
Josh buried his face in my neck. Dampness touched my skin, and I realized I wasn’t the only one crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “For reacting the way I did. For lashing out at you when you tried to do the right thing. For not choosing you the way you deserve when you’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”
A small sob rose in my throat.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” He whispered the mantra as he trailed soft kisses up my neck and over my jaw. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Josh reached my mouth and hovered there, seeking permission. Seeking forgiveness.
I stared at the floor, my eyes burning with the effort to hold back hope.
“Please.” His ragged plea shredded my resistance. “Tell me what to do, Red. I’ll do anything.”
“I…” Between yesterday’s incident with Max, sitting for the bar exam, and the way Josh scrambled my brains every time he was near, I couldn’t think properly. A dull ache formed behind my temples and blurred my vision. “I need space. I just need to…I need…”
Every breath brought in less and less oxygen.
I wanted to believe Josh, and I certainly wasn’t blame-free in our mess. Wasn’t I the one who wanted him to forgive me for lying?
But now that the moment had come, some infuriating, intangible thing prevented me from fully embracing the situation.
What if he was lying again?
What if I made another mistake and he walked away for good?
What if he woke up one day and decided he made a mistake?
Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied.
What good is it having a daughter if you can’t do one simple thing right?
Once a whore, always a whore.
No one takes my cock better than you do. It’s your best quality.
The jumble of voices in my head sharpened the ache into a piercing pain. The walls pressed in until the phantom scrape of white plaster against my skin roiled my stomach.
I wasn’t claustrophobic, but sometimes my thoughts trapped me in a cage so small I suffocated with each breath.
“I can’t do this right now.” I blinked, trying to clear my vision. “Give me…give me some time. I just need to think.”
The past forty-eight hours had tossed my life into chaos, and I needed to get my bearings before I could move forward.
Josh exhaled a shuddering breath. “Jules…”
“Please.” My voice broke.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Okay.” His raw whisper clawed at my heart. “Take however much time you need. I’ll wait.”
For some reason, his words sent a fresh ache through my chest. “Why?”
No one had ever waited for me. I couldn’t fathom why they would.
“Because you’re it for me. Whether it’s today, tomorrow, a year, or decades from now, that’ll never change.” Josh’s lips brushed against my skin before he pulled back, his face taut with emotion. “I’m human, Red. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and I’ll make many more in the future. But one mistake I’ll never make is letting you go, not when there’s even a sliver of a chance left for us. Because the possibility of you is better than the reality of anyone else.”
Saltiness trickled down my cheeks.
“So, like I said…” Josh brushed away my tear. “I’ll wait. For as long as it takes.”