When she catches me staring at him, she elbows me in the ribs and adds, “Good-looking. I’m just saying.” She grabs her drink and walks out to the dining room.
Did she know something happened last night? Maybe Ky had mentioned it to Zach and then he told her, but judging solely on the fact that Ky doesn’t have any bruises or black eyes, I’m thinking he kept what happened last night to himself.
“DAMN, DUDE, THESE ARE DELICIOUS,” Zach tells Kyler as he plucks his second cinnamon roll from the plate and shoves it in his mouth. Not even waiting till he is done chewing, he continues. “I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me with your skills in the kitchen all these years.”
“Zachary Brian Jacobs, I know I taught you better manners than to talk with your mouth full,” my mother scolds, earning an “Ooooooooooo” from me and Haylee at the same time followed by us giggling.
“Nice to see you girls back to your ways,” my dad adds.
Kyler grins at Zach. “Nah, man, I just had a good teacher.” He looks over at me and grins. “Dani even told me that next time she would teach me how to make that amazing veggie lasagna.”
“Oh, now that sounds delicious.” Brian leans back in his chair across the table.
“It’s no chicken Parmesan that Ms. Natalie makes, but it’s definitely a top contender.”
Natalie leans over with her elbows on the table. “Dani, we’re all adults now—I think we are old enough that you can drop the Ms. and just call me Natalie.”
“Okay.”
“I’m happy to hear you’re still creating in the kitchen though.”
“Of course, it’s my happy place. I found myself spending hours in my apartment creating new recipes and perfecting the ones you taught me over the years. I even used to make baked goods for two local coffee shops back in New Hampshire while I was waitressing.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“I would love to see these new recipes you’ve been working on.” My mom sits up straight in her chair, wiping her mouth with her napkin.
“Maybe next time you guys can come visit us and I’ll make something.”
“I’d love that.” Mom reaches over and touches my hand. Her hand seems so fragile. I finally notice the stress of the past few years has taken on my parents. When we were busy earlier with our reunion, I hadn’t noticed how much time had gotten away from me until I look over at my father again. His once brown hair is beginning to gray. My mother and father both look well above their age.
As the conversation continues around me, I look around the room. Not much of the dining room has changed; in fact, the only difference seems to be an addition of various photos. As my eyes travel over the photos, I notice there are new ones of Zach and Haylee from the last four years, but the ones of Emmett and me all stop from age eighteen. It’s as if time stopped for us. In my parents’ and the Hankses’ world, it did. They all lost a child. I can’t imagine the pain either went/still goes through of not only losing a child in death but losing a child and not knowing where they are or if they are even alive. I only ever responded once just after I left, letting them know I was fine, but to go years without ever knowing anything, how are they still standing?
I feel the room getting smaller, and I gasp for air. I push my chair back quickly, needing an escape for some air. I run straight out the back door onto the deck overlooking the backyard and pool. As soon as the Maryland air hits my face, I curl over with my hands on my knees and try to even my breathing. I close my eyes. Inhale. One. Two. Three. Exhale. One. Two. Three.
I hear footsteps on the deck behind me, and a hand begins to rub my back.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Deep breaths. Can you do that for me?” My mom continues to rub circles on my back as I squeeze my eyes shut and begin to get my breathing under control. I stand but hesitate before turning around to come face-to-face with my mother’s sad eyes. I fall into her arms and allow the overwhelming emotions to take over—the loss we endured, the pain I put my everyone through, the memories missed. It consumes me. I’m not sure how long my mother holds me when I back up and wipe my eyes.
She cups my cheeks. “Come take a walk with me.”
I follow my mother down by the pool, and she takes a seat on one of the lounge chairs. I stand there with my arms wrapped around my stomach. She pats the spot next to her on the lounge chair. I sit down, and she places her arm around my shoulder and I nestle into her side.
“My beautiful Danielle. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry, Mama.”
“For what? For a panic attack? You think I don’t know one when I see one?”
“I…I…” I look up at her, both our eyes filled with unshed tears. I blink and allow them to run down my cheeks again.
“Talk to me, Dani. Let me help you.”
My sobs grow louder. “That’s just it. I should have let you help me. But instead, I ran. I’m so sorry, Mama. I was just so empty. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving. I thought I could do it on my own. I hurt you all so much. And then I came back and expected everyone to hate me, but you all welcomed me with open arms as if I had just been away at college or out of town. No one was mad at me. But then I looked at the photos on the wall and time had stopped for Emmett and me, but it continued for everyone else. There were so many memories and events that I missed. I wasn’t here for Zach or Haylee when I should have been. I put you and Daddy through hell. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. I’m still not strong enough.”
My mother cuts me off. “Danielle Kathryn Jacobs, let’s get one thing straight. You’re correct—you did leave, and I wish I could say that it didn’t break me. It did, for a long time. It still hurts to think of you being alone and felt you had to cut ties with us. Some days I would just pretend you were away at college, but that almost made it worse when your brother would come home to visit, knowing that you would’ve been right there with him. I hated it.
“But you listen to me and you listen good. Don’t you ever say you are not strong enough. You, my sweet girl, are strong. Do you know why?”