It killed me not to.
“So if you want to talk, you can come over.”
“I’ll think about it.” Because I’m pissy and for some reason, I don’t want to be at her beck and call. I don’t want to be her last choice.
I hang up and head home. I throw myself into work over the weekend because it takes that long to make sure all the right walls and limitations are in place throughout the system while allowing myself time to de-stress.
When Monday rolls around and I haven’t heard anything else from Valerie, I check in with Lief. He reminds me that she’s not quite as easy to follow now that she knows we’re trying to keep her safe.
So I go to her school. I find her sitting with a girl in the campus court yard. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen her with friends other than Sophie. She laughs easily, but when her friend launches into what must be a boring or long story, I see worry creep back into her eyes.
I can tell she’s chewing the inside of her cheek. I just happen to make myself a little more obvious and she keeps picking at the grass until her friend nudges her, I roll my eyes. I want to check in and I don’t care if it’s obvious.
“Look, Elaine, you can do better than that. Don’t give in to it.”
“It’s just so tempting. That’s how Cassie does it. She gets through cram sessions with Adderall and swears by it and …”
Of course her friend notices me first. Her eyes widen and she gapes. “Hi.”
“Hello,” I say.
Valerie stiffens, then looks up at me slowly. Like it’s slow-motion or something. She swallows. “Elaine, we’ll continue this later.”
“Oh … okay.” But I catch what I shouldn’t hear. “What about the guy you brought to the party?”
“Later,” Valerie assures her. “Promise.”
The girl hurries off and Valerie stands up. “What are you doing here? I go to school here! If someone notices you-”
“I’m making sure you’re okay. We promised that, didn’t we? You don’t think a college campus is any safer than being out in the open.”
“And I’m not going to stop living my life.” She keeps her voice down, but she’s pissed. “Is this check-in going to be a normal thing? You and Hunter already have a monopoly on me when it comes to the office and Lief was apparently on house duty. You’re scheduled for school now?”
“I should be if I want to see you outside of your office.”
Her anger calms a fraction. She takes my hand and walks with me along a trail until we get to a more secluded area of campus. She struggles to get up on a three-foot brick wall and sits there.
“I was afraid of this.”
“That I’d found out you’re fucking them and ignoring me?”
“Of you guys getting jealous. Hunter was all jealous of you two, saying I prefer you and Lief. Lief … doesn’t say anything about jealousy, he just kind of stormed in at the right time. And now you.”
“I was under the impression I’d be told to fuck off,” I try to control my tone.
“Chase.” She kicks her feet a little before meeting my eyes. “This isn’t easy for me. You know more than either of them. My emotions are wild. I’m still having nightmares. I’m trying to find times to enjoy myself, but then the guilt sweeps in, the self-judgment, all of that good stuff.”
I lean against the wall and glare out at the pond. The ducks don’t have half these problems. And I never thought I’d be jealous of ducks.
“I do miss you,” She says. “Our conversations, how you hug and kiss me, our cuddling.”
“Do you?”
“Lying when I don’t have to is a waste of breath.” She moves and wraps herself around me, resting her head on my shoulder. I’m still frustrated and don’t really want to give in. “I didn’t think of how my actions would affect you. It was a heat of the moment thing.”
“A date isn’t heat of the moment.”
“The sex was. You guys ruin my self-control.” She kisses my neck softly. “What we did on the yacht was … well a cluster of firsts. I’d never done anything remotely public before being with you.”