I stabbed a chunk of melon with my fork, absentmindedly piling fruit on my plate. “I’m very aware of what could happen, Ma. I’m very aware of theprobabilityof it happening.” I said quietly. Somberly. I didn’t meet her gaze. I couldn’t.
It was true. I wasn’t so detached from reality that I believed I had a fair shot of passing Initiation. I knew the chances of me passing were low. But I knew therewasa chance. I wasn’t sure if I had been clinging to that small chance as a way to cope with what was almost certain death, or to make my mother feel better.
And I didn’t know how to feel about that.
“Do you realize that if you do not pass, if you are not Initiated, you will never see your family again? You will never seemeagain?” I saw tears threaten to spill over her lids as her voice cracked. “Less than two weeks now, Petra! That could be all the time we have together.”
I pursed my lips, an acidic, burning feeling pooling in my stomach. “I can’t think about it, Ma.”
“Youmust!”She was almost shouting now, tears spilling over her eyes, her linen napkin balled in one tiny, delicate hand. The hysterics were echoes of the shrieks and screams that had preceded complete despondency in years past. I hadn’t seen this side of her in a long time. “You must think about this. You must, Petra. I need you to pass. I cannot lose my baby. Myotherbaby.”
The words were a cannonball in my chest. I nodded slowly. “You won’t, Ma. You won’t lose me.”
She was distraught now. I could see the guards side-eyeing our table, the awkwardness of being a bystander to an argument rippling off of them. Her jerky movements were so at odds with the peaceful surroundings of the courtyard that I winced.
“Ma!” I said with force in my voice. “I will do everything in my power to pass Initiation, okay?” I calmed my voice. “I may have been raised in Inkwell, but that doesn’t mean I’m a fuckin’ animal. An animal.” I caught myself.
“I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.I can’t lose you.” She said, rocking back and forth in her chair now, fists flailing, tears leaving dark stains on her sky blue dress.
I once again took on the role of the parent, reaching my hand across the table, laying it flat in front of her. An attempt to calm her down. The simple gesture silenced her breathing for a split second. Another sob, a deep breath, and she was as composed as she could be. She laid her hand across mine, a knowing glance in her swollen, reddened eyes.
“You will not lose me.” But somewhere not so deep in my soul, I knew that wasn’t true.