A bland smile broke on Ludovicus’ face. The fucking bastard wassmiling.An unnerving silence swept the room. I smoothed my skirts, keeping my eyes focused on Ludovicus. “Why, my sweet one, do you think that we were told otherwise?”
He was going to push this. I leaned forward ever so slightly, praying that this would be over soon before I detonated. “Only the Benevolent Saints may know.”
“I will admit that you may be the first…impureInitiate we’ve ever had,” Ludovicus hissed, his brothers murmuring in agreement. “Another shamehetoo is with the Saints now.”
No.No.Anything but this.Breathe in. Breathe out. I am okay. Every muscle in my body tensed as Garit leaned to Ludovicus. “We’ve met him, brother. Don’t you remember?”
“How could I forget? So kind! So…unassuming.”
Bile rose in my throat as they looked at me expectantly. “Yes,” I started, doing everything to keep my voice from wavering. “He was very kind.”
“If only he’d been there to help your sister the day she died.”
“If only. But he wasn’t around that day.” I didn’t want to put that on him, didn’t want to disturb his ghost.
“A lie.”
I could do this. “He wasn’t.”
Ludovicus nodded. “And are you also planning on lying about the thievery you’ve committed?” Good fucking Saints.
“I have told nothing but the truth today, good Sir.” The lie burned my mouth as I told it, the bitterness coating my tongue. “I will tell you I am not proud of stealing, however I had to provide for my family during a desperate time.” I kept my tone even.
“We have an honest thief!” Higgins laughed, clapping his hands in amusement. “What a curious thing.” The other brothers joined in with chuckles and snickers, but Ludovicus stayed solemn, his hands steepled under his chin.
Eerie silence once again smothered the room in a thick blanket. I wanted to gasp for air. “You do not belong here. I trust you are aware of that, my darling?” He placed his hands on the table, clicking his fingernails leisurely. “You are far older than any Initiate we’ve ever welcomed into the Royal Court. Not to mention, my love, the absence of a proper upbringing and fine lineage.” Ludovicus leaned back in his chair. “But I believe we see something promising in you, don’t we gentlemen?” More murmurs of agreement. “Something that will be worth the shit stain you’ll leave on this Royal Court.”
I tried not to flinch at the insult. I once again smoothed my skirts, taking the time to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Looking in the mirror this morning, I felt regal for the first time. I let that image carry me forward, let Katia’s crown on my head gild my bones.
“I may not have been born to a Lord and Lady. I may have moved from the slums of the city just months ago. I may not have received a proper education nor training in etiquette or grammar or the arts like the other Initiates have, but I have accepted this role without question. I have pushed my beliefs aside, uprooted my entire life, and stepped up the way that I was expected to, for the good of my family. For the good of mynewfamily.” I took a deep breath, looking down the line of spindly men. “So, my good Sirs, forgive me if I lack certain elements of a perfect Initiate, but please know I grew up tripping over rats, not the hems of ballgowns.”
The members of the Board of Blood had gone preternaturally still. Ludovicus finally tapped a finger nail, breaking the lethal placidity that had fallen over the room, and raised one hand to prop up his chin. “That is all, Lady Petra. You are excused.” I couldn’t read the emotion in his voice, on his face. I stood, curtsied as I was supposed to, and walked out of the room where my mother and Castemont waited anxiously.
Without a word, they escorted me down the hall, back the way we came. As soon as we turned the corner and we were out of sight of the drawing room doors, I fell to my knees and relinquished control of my body to the sobs that erupted. I felt hands on my shoulders – one of my mother’s and one of Lord Castemont’s, though the pair remained silent as I shattered.
???
I shut the door behind me, leaning against it as I took in a deep breath. My mind quickly descended into the deepest parts of despair.This will be one of the last times you see your mother. Don’t just sit here in your room.But how could I look at her when I knew what was going to happen? How could I look at her knowing she was about to lose all that remained of her old life?
My bodice was too tight, my skirts too heavy, the sleeves on my arms too restricting. I wanted themoff.In a frenzy, I tore at the corset on my back, my fingers struggling to find the loose ends as I began to sweat, my breath coming in ragged gasps. The loose end was buried in my gown, my fingers fumbling across the stitches and seams. I was suffocating. I kicked my high heels off, the feeling of my bare heels sinking into the floor overwhelming. I rushed to the wardrobe, eager to do something,anythingto be free of the chokehold this gown had on my body. I felt my face heat, the flush traveling down my neck to my chest. The boning of the bodice was digging into my waist, the fabric growing heavier by the second until I was sure the weight would drag me to the pits of Hell. My heart was going to explode.
A pair of scissors left by a seamstress sat on the bureau and I lunged for them, immediately cutting through the bodice until it fell to the floor. I tore through the skirts like a blade through butter, letting the dusky satin pool at my feet. I tossed the scissors to the floor and clawed at the hair at the nape of my neck, grabbing at pins and clips as I sobbed, my head about to burst from pressure and the burning heat smashing into my ribcage. I wanted to scream, to let out the fury that blazed inside of me. My rage could incinerate this entire room, my dread and horror could level this castle.
I was going to die.
When the pins and velvet and satin lay in a heap on the floor, I stared at my naked body in the mirror, only the delicate golden diadem remaining on my head. It glinted in the honeyed light of my wardrobe. Having access to more food,betterfood had defined my shape, emphasizing how much of a woman I was compared to the younger Initiates. The despair deepened.
But the diadem was a beacon atop my head. They were the sun’s rays, and they shone just for me. I held onto the strange wisp of comfort it brought me.
Why the fuck did the young women of Eserene need to go through Initiaton? The tradition was barbaric, beyond cruel. If the Board of Blood was responsible for the Initiation processes across all the cities of Astran, were they equally as brutal in other cities? Were Taithan Initiates interrogated as I had been? Did the young women of the Royal Court of Anicole face the same scrutiny?
I plucked the diadem from my head and placed it back on the velvet pillow, reaching for a needlessly expensive sky blue silk robe. Energy bubbled inside of me and before I could think twice I was ringing the small bell given to me to call a handmaiden. I hadn’t rung it once since moving in here, but I was hoping Wrena’s offer to be a friend still stood.
“Yes, my Lady?” a petite handmaiden asked, immediately appearing from the hallway.
“Um, I’m sorry to disturb you,” I mumbled, embarrassed. “Is Wrena around?”
“I’ll fetch her right away, my Lady.” I didn’t think to ask her to call me Petra. I should have. I should have asked her name, I should have invited her in. I paced back and forth, my bare feet still aching from the heels that still lay discarded on the marble floor.Breathe,I told myself.