35
Lizzie
El Paso,Texas
1941
“It’s so good to catch up so I can finally get to know you better, Lizzie! We were all so surprised when Calvin told us he was getting married again. Heck, I don’t think he’d even mentioned he was dating.”
Avril Walters beamed at me as she poured my coffee from the pot. Her husband, Dale, worked with Calvin in the experimental planes division at El Paso, and their baby, Patty, was sitting up at the table next to me, stuffing cake into her mouth.
I met most of Calvin’s Fort Bliss friends after we got engaged. They were all involved with his aviation unit—pilots or engineers or specialists of one variety or another. I also met their families. There were Kevin and Becca Llewellyn and their adorable girls, Ava and Brianna; Juanita and Bob and their noisy tribe of sons, who destroyed any room they entered; Trevor and Gail had newborn Toby; and of course, Avril and her husband, Dale, and Patty. I’d attended a few dinner parties with Calvin, but I wasn’t quite sure what to make of these women. They seemed so tight-knit already, and Avril wasn’t the first one to express surprise that Calvin had remarried.
Most of the time I was fine with our arrangement, but when his friends teased Calvin about our relationship, I felt so self-conscious, I couldn’t bear it. I had no idea how I’d react to such a dynamic in a one-on-one conversation, so when Avril invited me for coffee, I always made an excuse. Finally, though, I accepted one of Avril’s many invitations to get to know one another better.
“Cal has been so coy about you but I’m dying to know—how did you two meet?” she asked as soon as we settled at her kitchen table.
“I was working at the Hilton,” I said. She pushed the cup of coffee in front of me and nodded to encourage me to continue. “He was a guest and we just became friends.”
“Tell me everything! Did he sweep you off your feet? Has he told you all about his poor dead wife, God rest her soul?”
“Yes, he swept me off my feet. And we don’t talk much about her, to be honest.” I sipped my coffee, grateful to have something to do with my hands. It felt like I was being interrogated. “I know her name was Louise.”
“So sad,” Avril murmured, shaking her head. “How did she die?”
“It was a car accident,” I said awkwardly. Poor Louise Miller had been hit by a car on her way to buy groceries.
“Tragic. Thank God he has you now.” She poured her own coffee, and then took a seat beside me. “And you grew up on a farm, right?”
And so it went—the kind of awkward small talk I’d never had much time for.Yes, I grew up in Dallam County. Yes, I can ride a horse. Only eighth grade. My parents? Dead. Only a brother. In the Army.
“I’m so glad you came around today,” she said at one point. “I know it can be overwhelming meeting a whole new group of friends and those women can be alot.” She laughed. “But I have a good feeling about you, Lizzie. I don’t care what anyone says—if Cal loves you, that’s good enough for me.”
She was sofriendly and lovely and hospitable, but there were also those little moments where I felt almost like she was warning me—had the other women been gossiping? Had they been cruel behind my back? I told myself I didn’t care what they thought, but the truth was, Calvin worked with their husbands and those women were going to be a part of my life for a long time.
I had been bored witless. Cal and I had settled into a routine so sedate, it was almost catatonic. He left for work at Fort Bliss in the morning, and I cleaned the house, and then watched the clock until he got home. I turned my attention to the yard to try to fill my days, tearing up every inch of established garden on that lot and spending a small fortune on young roses and hedges and building a tidy little vegetable garden. That project entertained me for a while, but soon all there was left to do was wait for the plants to grow.
So when Avril called for another coffee date, I agreed. Soon, we were meeting two or three times a week. I couldn’t tell if she was just beingnice or if maybe she was a little lonely, but I appreciated the company, so I didn’t question her enthusiasm too much. Besides, Cal was pleased I was making an effort, and that was good too. I pushed my front door open and waited while Avril walked inside first, holding Patty’s hand. As we took our seats in the living room, she smiled.
“I was happy when I heard Calvin bought you this great big house. I’m excited to watch you two fill it with children.”
“Oh—” I said, wincing. “No, we won’t be doing that.” She looked at me in surprise, so I explained. “Calvin is sterile—that’s why he and Louise didn’t have children.”
That was true—Cal suffered a bad bout of mumps as a child. Not that it mattered in ourmarriage, given we had separate bedrooms.
I had a feeling if I went to Calvin’s room, he’d be delighted and that might change, but I had no inclination to do that. From time to time, I wondered if he was disappointed at the way our marriage was panning out. It was too awkward to bring up in conversation, and heseemedhappy enough, but I knew all too well that when I agreed to marry him, he’d hoped that I’d fall in love with him too.
I realized it was just not going to happen. My feelings had nothing to do with Calvin and everything to do with me. I was more fond of him than ever. I respected him and I admired him. I was grateful to him, and I wanted to please him. I just had no drive toward romantic love, not the way other people around me seemed to.
“Oh gosh, I am so sorry,” Avril said. She dropped her hands to her belly, as if to protect it. Her second child was due in a few months. “You know, Becca did say that she thought it was odd that Calvin didn’t already have children after being married to his first wife for so long. But you know how those girls gossip and I just thought it was noneof my business.”
“They gossip?” I prompted lightly. This wasn’t the first time she’d made a comment like that. I felt I knew her well enough now that I could gently prod to see what she was getting at.
“It’s terrible, and you’re such a nice woman. I hate to hear it.”
“What do they say about me?” I asked.
“Well, sweetie, there’s been a lot of speculation about...” She shrugged, looking around her expansive living room. “Calvin isn’t short of a dollar, is he? Gail pointed out that he was just so lonely when he first started coming down from Albuquerque, and with you working at that hotel, they thought maybe you were down on your luck a little and saw him as an opportunity...”