Chapter 18
Zariah
Deep breaths. Hold it together. Don’t let Mom or Aunt Felicity see you fall apart. Be strong for them.
Be strong for Ryan
Those words kept repeating themselves in my head throughout the service and then as the casket was lowered into the ground. A casket that had remained closed the entire time. Because what was left of my beloved baby cousin was just bits and pieces, according to what I’d been told.
A sob tried to bubble out of me, but I held my breath and clung to Nolan’s arm, repeating my mantra. Hold it together. Be strong. For Mom. For Aunt Felicity. For Ryan. Mom was still recovering from not only the loss of Nova, but Ciana being gone as well. Felicity had lost her only daughter, but Ryan had lost his entire world.
Nova was the first person other thanTetkawho had ever made him smile. She had given him a reason to keep going, to fight his nightmares and the emotional scars his biological mother had inflicted on his psyche. Not to mention the physical ones she’d caused to his body.
Ryan was scaring me.
He hadn’t cried once since everything had happened. There were no tears. His eyes remained dry and lifeless. It was as if his very soul had been taken from him when Nova died. And like before Nova had changed him, he was back to not allowing anyone butTetkato touch him. If anyone tried to hug him or lifted a hand to touch his arm, he flinched back from the contact.
Those flinches were the only signs of life I’d seen from him in days.
His dry eyes stayed glued to the casket long after it was lowered into the ground. When someone picked up a shovel and started to fill the hole with dirt, he lifted a hand to stop them. We stood behind him as he remained at the edge of the grave, just looking down at where the love of his life would remain for eternity.
It wasn’t fair. Ryan shouldn’t have to bury his heart so soon. They should have had an entire lifetime together. There should have been time for babies. Decades of laughter and loving each other as they were meant to do.
We shouldn’t have had to say goodbye to such a kind soul like Nova Hannigan. She might have been tiny, but she loved big, and she’d made us all feel special when she was near.
Another sob tried to break free, and I turned to bury my face in Nolan’s chest. He cupped the back of my head in his hand, and I felt his lips touch my temple. He didn’t understand why this was so hard to watch, and I couldn’t explain it in words. Someone would have had to have witnessed Ryan and Nova together from the beginning to get it. Saying goodbye to Nova in and of itself was hard for us all, but seeing Ryan like this—it was pure hell.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Aunt Felicity whispered from Ryan’s left. “I-I can’t breathe.”
Uncle Jet wrapped his arms around her from behind. “Shh, Felicity. It’s okay,” he tried to soothe, but his voice was so thick with tears that his words barely made sense.
She jerked out of his arms and stumbled a few steps. “I-I need to go,” she gasped out. “I need…air.”
“Okay, Mom,” Garret told her, putting his hand at the small of her back and guiding her toward the row of limos. “I’ll take you wherever you want.”
She nodded as if in a daze and let her son take her away, Uncle Jet following close behind, looking so lost that my entire body hurt just looking at them. I didn’t fully understand the loss Nova’s parents were feeling. All I knew was my own pain at sweet Nova’s passing, and that was excruciating.
Aunt Felicity’s and Uncle Jet’s pain was that, times a thousand. I could see it in their faces, the set of their shoulders, the way it was hard for them to take a deep breath. How could anyone even survive the pain of losing their child—their baby, no less—let alone have the strength to watch them be buried.
Papa turned to Zayne, who was standing to my right. Vito was beside him, his arm in a sling, while Bennie sat in a wheelchair that Tony had pushed out to the grave site. Bennie wasn’t supposed to put pressure on his leg for another few weeks, and then he would start physical therapy. The doctors said he might have a limp for the rest of his life, but they weren’t completely sure yet. It depended on how committed he was to the physical therapy portion of his recovery.
“Take your sister and brothers back to the compound. We’ll be home later,” Papa told Zayne.
I shuddered at the thought of returning to the compound. The gate had been fixed and all the damage done to the mansion repaired. But the memory of hearing the shouting and gunfire when Bain had laid siege to my family home still haunted me. If he hadn’t gotten Ciana when he did, would his men have made it to my house? Would Tony or I have been lying in a grave now?
The not knowing kept me awake at night.
It was hard to feel safe in the one place that had always seemed impenetrable, not only now that my sister had been stolen from us, but the men who had protected us had all lost their lives. The security inside the compound grounds and at the gate had been doubled since Papa andZio’s return, but my mind felt broken. Even with all those extra guards, I felt unsafe in my own home.
My twin gave Papa a nod before turning to Nolan, but when we started toward the limos, my legs decided they didn’t want to work. I clutched at Nolan’s arm, looking up at him with pleading eyes. He cupped the side of my face and lowered his head, kissing my brow before lifting me into his arms and carrying me.
Still holding me, he carefully got into the back of the limo. I stayed on his lap as Vito joined us. Tony and Zayne helped Bennie into the back, and then Zayne ducked inside, while Tony took the front with the driver. I rested my head on Nolan’s shoulder, but Zayne reached for one of my hands as he settled in beside us.
“You okay, Z?”
I nodded, not trusting myself not to start sobbing if I opened my mouth. We might have been away from Mom, Aunt Felicity, and Ryan, but I knew if I started crying, I wouldn’t stop. Until the day was over, I needed to keep my lips sealed.
Only when Nolan and I were alone in bed at his townhouse later that night did I finally let go. We might not have had the security of the compound around us, but I felt safer at his place than my own. He held me close and let me cry it all out. He didn’t try to shush me or tell me it was going to be okay.
Nothing felt like it would ever be okay again. I was scared all the time, except when I was with him behind the closed doors of the townhouse in Brooklyn Heights. I found myself crying more often than not. I had no will to get out of bed most days, and I hadn’t even thought about going into the office since the night Nova died.
Nolan just rubbed my back and reminded me he was there, that he wasn’t going to let anything hurt me ever again.
And I wanted—needed—to believe him.
So, I did.
“I love you,” I whispered sometime around dawn. My throat was raw from all the crying, and I could feel what little energy I still had starting to fade. But I couldn’t sleep until he knew what was in my heart.
“I love you too, Red,” he murmured, still stroking my back. “I always have and always will.”