“Maybe not, but it will keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, something I went a long time without,” I inform him. “And I know you’ve done everything and more, but I can’t depend on anyone but myself.”
“That’s really lonely,” Phillip says and then a tear rolls slowly down his cheek, leaving me breathless and feeling like I just kicked a hurt dog. “You’ve hurt me, Claire, and I don’t admit that often, but you have. Completely gutted me, and honestly, I don’t know how to look at you right now.”
When a second tear rolls down his face, everything inside me goes cold. I don’t like seeing Phillip cry and the only other time I have is when Reese broke up with him. Knowing that, I realize that I have really hurt him and that wasn’t my intent. I just wanted to be secure.
Biting hard into my lip, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry for something you believe in,” he says as he turns to head to his car. “If this is what you want, don’t be sorry, be proud.”
“I’m sorry I lied and hid this from you, hurt you,” I say and he shrugs.
“Yeah, me too. I thought I had raised you a little better than that,” he says, putting the last nail in my coffin. “And I know that I’ve wished for the kid to get hit by a bus, but save him the pain and tell him the truth if you haven’t. You shouldn’t lie to someone you love, because most of the time, they’ll love you no matter what, as long as you are honest.”
My lip starts to wobble and I swallow my sob before saying, “I love you, Phillip, I do. I just didn’t think you’d support me.”
He nods slowly, running his palm along his face. “Then obviously I did something wrong, and I’m sorry for that.”
Dropping my bag, I rush to him, stopping him before he gets in the car. “You did nothing wrong, Phillip. I was scared and couldn’t figure out how to tell you.”
Looking down at me, his blue eyes swimming with tears, he says, “You just open your mouth and tell me. I’ll love you unconditionally. I loved you when you were an inch away from being your mom, and I love you now. What made you think I wouldn’t love you now?”
That did it. My tears fall in torrents as I gasp for breath and he says, “Now, I have to go. Be careful going home.”
I can’t talk. I just stand there, holding my stomach as it turns with nausea. I watch as he drives off and then realize that it’s not safe for me to be out here on my own. Forcing myself to move, I grab my bag, and once I’m in the safe cocoon of my car, I cry so fucking hard that my body shakes. I never meant to hurt anyone.
I just wanted to be safe.
Secure.
But right now, I don’t feel either of those things.
I just feel empty.
It’s been five days since I heard from Phillip.
Reese called and told me that everything would be okay, but Phillip isn’t talking to her either. He’s furious with us both, and while I understand, I just want to hear his voice and know that he stills loves me. I’ve been a mess. My heart is hurting, and I don’t know what to do to fix it. To top it off, Jude is acting weird. Or maybe I’m acting weird, I don’t know. I just know that for the last five days I’ve felt completely alone.
Jude’s been gone for an away game, so he hasn’t been here to comfort me, not that I can tell him what is wrong anyway. Also, his texts have been very short. Like he’s too busy to answer me or talk, and I know that he is, but still, I’m just in a shitty place. I probably need to be locked away until Phillip decides to talk to me and tell me that he still loves me even though I am a lying jerk.
Ugh. This sucks.
I’ve been lying in my bed all day. I skipped my classes, not in the mood to deal with them or anyone, for that matter. I know Jude’s working out, or training, or practicing, I don’t know, something hockey, but I reach for my phone and text him anyway. I need him to tell me he loves me. I need to know that someone cares about me.
Me: I miss u.
Hey Jude: Miss u 2.
Me: That’s it?
Hey Jude: Huh? What do u mean?
Me: I mean u can’t say something more?
Hey Jude: What do u want me to say?
Me: I don’t fucking know, don’t worry about it.
Throwing my phone across the room, it ricochets with a thunk against the wall before landing on the floor. While it felt good to do that, I’m extremely glad that I have an Otterbox. Lying back, I close my eyes and let out a long breath. I can hear my phone go off with a text, and I know that Jude is probably confused and pissed, but I can’t bring myself to get up and fix that. He’s obviously too busy to worry about me.