“And any children that you and Matt are blessed with, whether they come from your womb or through adoption, or even surrogacy, would be loved just the same, Nic. That’s what a family is.”
The tears are flowing freely now.
Gail scoots her chair around to mine and rubs my back soothingly.
“I’m so ridiculous,” I choke out.
“You love him, sweet girl. You thought you were doing what was right for him.”
“I love him so much it hurts to breathe.”
Tears fill Gail’s own eyes as she nods. “Only a woman in love would be so stupid. I’m sure it didn’t help being around the pregnant girls and the kids.”
I shrug and then nod, chuckling through my tears. “I feel so silly because I really like Nat, Jules and Brynna, and I’m happy for them all. I would never begrudge them the children they’re having.”
“Well, you’re not a monster, Nic. But it’s a hard thing to see their men hold their bellies.”
“I…” I begin and then just sigh, hanging my head in my hands. “Yes. It’s hard.”
“It’s easier when you have people around you who love you and understand.”
“I don’t want anyone’s pity. I have so much to be thankful for, and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.”
“There’s a big difference between support and pity, Nicole, and you know it.”
I bite my lip and nod reluctantly. “I made a mess.”
“You can clean it up.”
“You think?” I ask hopefully. “Matt and I haven’t been seeing each other long, so to bring up kids now was relationship suicide.”
Gail laughs and pats my shoulder. “It might have been early, yes, but I don’t think Matt’s thoughts were far from yours. One thing you have to understand about my Matthew: Honesty is paramount to him. Maybe it’s the cop in him, but he will respect you going to him and being honest. Then you two can take it from there.”
“Why did you choose today to come see me?” I ask, curious.
“Because Matt is a grouchy ass, and after two weeks, I figured you needed a nudge.”
I giggle and nod. “I have some thinking to do, but I’ll go talk to him soon.”
“Good. Now, about those cupcakes.”
“Here, let me box some up for you.”
***
“Thank you, dear. Good luck.”
Gail nods and walks down the block, carrying her box of cupcakes.
I take a deep breath and lock the door, then set about cleaning up for the day, letting my mind wander.
She’s right. I don’t have to give birth to children for them to be mine. Why hadn’t I ever thought of it before?
And then I remember.
Because my whole life, it was drilled into me by my parents and doctors: You’ll never have children.
But maybe, just maybe, someday, I might.
I grin and jump when my phone vibrates in my pocket.
“Hello?”
“Hey, gorgeous.”
“Ben!” I grin and climb the stairs to my apartment, happy to hear from my old friend. “How are you?”
“I’m great. I’m in Seattle for the week. Have dinner with me tonight.” His voice is warm and familiar, and I realize I’ve missed him like crazy.
“I would love that. What time?”
“I can head your way now.”
“I’ll be ready.”
Ben was my boyfriend in my early twenties when I still lived back home. I was overweight and not taking care of myself, and the handsome personal trainer had loved me anyway, and helped me get healthy.
Not because he didn’t like me the way I was, but because he wanted me to be healthy and whole, and I’d loved him for that.
Ben was my first love.
And now he’s one of my best friends.
I fix my hair and makeup and change into a lacy pink tank top with a flowy white skirt and sandals, and when I pull the door open for him, he scoops me into his arms and turns a circle in my living room.
“You look wonderful!” I exclaim and kiss his cheek as he sets me back on my feet.
“You look…hungry.” He laughs. “And beautiful, as always.”
“I am hungry. Feed me, please.”
“My pleasure. Mexican?”
“Mmm…yes.” We jog down my steps and walk up the block to one of our favorite Mexican places in Seattle. “What are you in town for?”
“A job interview.”
“You’re moving here?” I ask excitedly.
“Hoping to, yes. I’m never going to do more with my career back home. We both know that.”
“You should have warned me that you were coming.” I smack his arm playfully as the hostess seats us in a booth against the wall. Someone else drops off chips, salsa and water, and I greedily dig in.
“You haven’t lost your appetite,” he observes drily.
“Never,” I agree and grin. “Seriously, why didn’t you give me a heads-up?”
“I thought I’d surprise you.” His hazel eyes are happy as he smiles at me. “How have you been?”
“Meh,” I reply and shrug, feeling much better now that I’ve had the encouraging talk with Gail and am now having dinner with my dear friend.
“Explain the meh.”
“Oh, it’s a long, drama-filled story.”
“The best kind.” Ben winks and pops a chip in his mouth.
I tilt my head and watch him. He’s not just handsome, although with his muscles for days, light hazel eyes and square jaw, he’s certainly one hot number. Ben is a beautiful man, inside and out.
“You’re a good person, Benjamin.”
“Uh, don’t say that, Nic. That only leads to ‘but,’ and we broke up a long time ago.”
I toss my head back and laugh hard, then throw a chip at him. “Don’t be a douche. I was paying you a compliment.”
“I see that you’ve kept up with your workouts. You look great.” He tilts his head, watching me closely. “But I know you, and you have circles under your eyes, so spill it.”
I sigh and lean my chin in my hand. “I’m an idiot.”
“Agreed.”
“You’re a jerk.”
“Typically, yes.”
I laugh again and shake my head. “Stop it. You are not. There is a guy.”
“Do I want to know this?” His handsome face cringes. “I mean, I know we’re just good friends, but I don’t think you’re supposed to know who your ex-girlfriend is sleeping with. It’s weird.”