30
RUBY
“Quinn was more than a brother;he was the one good thing in my life, and some bastard drunk driver killed him.” I rub my knees. Can I do this? Tell him who I really am? “He was only twenty-one, walking home from a night out and got hit. Instant. Quinn was always there for me and I never got a chance to say goodbye.”
“Fuck.” Jem attempts to reach out again and I tuck my hands under my arms, tensing against any attempt by my body to breakdown.
“Quinn was older than me, things were shit at home, and he looked out for me when everything got bad.” I catch Jem’s eye. “My dad left when I was too young to remember him and my mum left when I was thirteen. She moved overseas to live with a guy who didn’t want her baggage. Quinn and me moved in with my uncle and aunt. My aunt was great, but my uncle didn’t want my mum’s baggage either so things were tough. Me and Quinn helped each other, then Quinn left for uni and I was stuck there.”
Jem shifts and stares at his bare feet. “Yeah, I get the shithouse parents thing.”
This makes sense, another connection I suspected. “When Quinn left for uni, he asked Dan to keep an eye on me—a person to turn to when things got really bad at home. Dan did. He was a great guy; really nice. Would do anything for me. Dan let me sleep on his sofa each time my uncle scared me enough to run away. I trusted him because my brother trusted him.”
“Dan? A nice guy?”
I laugh softly at Jem’s incredulity. “Yeah, but when Quinn died, Dan changed. Slowly at first. He interfered in my relationships, my life choices, always throwing at me that my brother wouldn’t approve. That was enough for me to listen—my brother trusted Dan, so I should. When things got really screwed up at home, I moved in with Dan.”
Jem looks up. “You moved in with him? He’s my age. How old were you?”
I shake my head. “I was seventeen. We weren’t together like a couple at first, but he was the only man apart from my brother who’d shown me attention. I craved Dan’s love, and he said he loved me, wanted me, and took care of me. I believed him. Over the next three years, he took my control away.”
Jem interrupts. “You stayed for three years? I never understand why they stay.”
“They?”
“People hurt by others they live with.”
“I had to leave my uncle’s and had nowhere to go. I’d put up with abuse from him since I moved there; everything from him constantly telling me what a bad person I must be for my mum to leave me, to him slapping me around to prove the point. I believed him because my mum had screamed the same shit at me before she fucked off. Around the time I turned sixteen, he got weird.” I inhale. “I’m not going to elaborate, but he wasn’t looking at me or treating me like his niece anymore. He’d walk in when I was in the shower, that kind of crap.”
“Shit, Ruby. Please don’t tell me…”
I shake my head and a bloody annoying tear flies out. “No, no… that’s why I got out. I didn’t feel safe. Dan kept me safe. If I’d stayed with my uncle and aunt… I don’t know, Jem.”
Jem puts his elbows on his knees and drags his hands through his curls, swearing under his breath.
“I don’t think anyone understands unless they’ve been there. Dan controlled my life. The psychological abuse came before the physical. He ground me down until I felt like he was doing me a favour even wanting me. That nobody else did or ever would. Told me to look at how people had treated me, and that it was all my fault because I was a bad person. I tried to leave Dan a few times before but failed until last time. Now Dan’s done what I always worried he would.”
Jem stands and walks away from me. “This is the problem. This is why I can’t get close to you.”
“Because I’m a bad person?” I ask hoarsely.
“No! You’re the opposite, Ruby. You’re an amazing, strong person and my whole self screams to let you in.”
My stomach lurches at his admission. “Let me in?”
He turns back to me. “They were the same as you. I grew up with a woman who was constantly abused and I fell into a relationship with a girl like you once before. That’s why I stepped away when I kissed you. I realised I can’t go there again. I can’t fix broken people because I cut myself on their sharp edges.”
A girl like me?Realisation crashes down. I’m so fucking stupid, why didn’t I see this before? “You think I’m Liv?”
“You are.”
“How?”
“Similar then.”
“Similar isn’t the same, Jem.”
He drags hair away from his face. “Okay, similar, but I feel I need to rescue you.”