I’m midway through dressing when Jax appears, walking through the door without knocking. He halts and stares, and I only have panties and a thin black vest on.
“You could’ve knocked!” I snap.
Jax has seen me before. In the early days, I changed in filthy toilet cubicles but soon swapped to half-stripping in front of the other guys when getting ready for gigs. I’m not shy, and they’re used to the sight now. I’m not exactly curvy and I doubt they find me attractive, as evidenced by the ‘semi-guy’ comment in the hotel room.
“You okay?” Jax asks.
“He’d better not be like that at every gig.”
“This manager thing is new to Jem, but we should listen to him. He knows what he’s doing.”
“Yeah, but I don’t like him speaking to me like I’m a kid.” I dig around in my bag for my black dress.
“Well, we are kids to him and you kinda behave like one sometimes.”
I glare, choosing to ignore the dig. “He’s only five years older!”
“And wiser.”
I make a derisive sound. “Not really.”
Jax runs a hand through his thick blond hair and fixes his pale blue eyes on mine. “Don’t fuck this up. Be nice.”
“Nice? You’re asking me to be nice? This is Ruby Butler you’re talking to here.”
“Very true.” Jax catches sight of something and points. “You got new ink. When was that?”
The short vest exposes my stomach, revealing the pattern of red roses and thorns stretching across my lower belly. “It’s notthatlong since you saw me almost naked. Didn’t you notice before?”
The door opens and Jem walks in. Instantly I hold the short dress against myself, and Jax steps back tucking his hands under his arms. Jem’s eyes widen and in them, for a split second, is the reason why standing semi-naked in front of Jem is different. I’m not imagining Jem’s attraction to me because the desire just flickered across his face.
“What’s going on?” Jem asks.
“Nothing. I was admiring Ruby’s tattoos,” says Jax.
Jem narrows his eyes.
“I’m changing, if you don’t mind.” I pull the dress over my head.
“Sorry. Okay.” At least Jem has the decency to be embarrassed.
“Then I’m going for a smoke,ifthat’s okay with you?” My hair sweeps forward as I grab my combat boots and shove my feet in. “Don’t worry, I’ll be present and correct, ready to go on stage, sir.”
Snatching my cigarettes and lighter from the pocket of my discarded pants, I leave the room.
* * *
Jem
Jax launchesinto one of his Q&A sessions about my early Blue Phoenix gigs and all I can picture is Ruby semi-naked with him. Ruby semi-naked with me, and my hands on her skin. I fight the memory of Ruby revealing her tattoos in the kitchen—and what else she revealed with them.
I’ve spent a few nights fighting my overactive imagination’s attempt to picture what could’ve happened, but my subconscious took hold and pushed her into my dreams. Big pat on the back for not taking advantage, butshitthat night hasn’t helped my fantasies about this girl.
Now this shit with Jax hits the pit of my stomach which seethes an emotion I’m unfamiliar with recently. Jealousy.
For years, I’ve felt nothing and then in this last couple of months the whole range of emotions assailed me. Anger, despair, grief, and a shitload of guilt over people and events from the past. The suddenness and strength with which these emotions can overwhelm are what pull me backwards. I know why the dreams about Liv began again—she’s the one thing from my past I can’t go back and fix.
After rehab, I had apologies to give and amends to make. It was fucking hard, but I went to Dylan, and we worked through all the crap of the last couple of years. I apologised to Sky for how I treated her and we’ve reached a wary stalemate. Liam was cool apart from another lecture about how Dylan’s and my behaviour screw around with the band. Bryn just shrugged me off and said the real apology will come from staying clean, because this time I almost killed the thing I love the most. Blue Phoenix.
Now Ruby stirs other emotions beyond the physical lust I’d have for girls before.
I worry about Ruby when she goes to work in case Dan appears. I care whether she’s okay or not when she spends half a day in her room without coming out. I’m happy when we sit together, even if just in silence.
And I’m fucking jealous when I see Jax’s hands on her.
I’ve fooled myself that Ruby in my house for a couple of weeks meant nothing; that she was hanging out until we safely went on tour. I allowed Ruby a glimpse into myself and in return I saw a different girl, one who’s triggered a desire for somebody else to share my new life with.
Bryn’s right, this is heading in a direction bad for my grip on sobriety. I can’t get attached to a girl like her—or any girl currently—because if things go to shit I could spiral. Back in her life with the boys, Ruby’s relaxed and at home, our distance has reformed and I need to keep things this way. When we finish this tour, shedefinitelyneeds to leave my house.