“I thought you were called Ella?”
She scowls. “I am. But when I’m wearing this, I’m Elsa.”
I don’t have a bloody clue what she’s talking about.
“Ella, eat your sandwich,” says Cerys.
“I don’t like this. The bread tastes funny.”
“Eat that up or no treats for you later,” her mum says firmly.
I watch the exchange and the nausea returns. I could be Cerys soon. Am I ready to do this?
“How old are you?” I ask Cerys.
“Twenty-two.”
“You had Ella when you were young.”
“Too young. Not that I’d change that now,” she adds hastily. “The timing wasn’t great and yeah, Liam’s not her birth dad so that should tell you how not great things were.”
“Liam is my dad!” protests Ella. “I have two dads.”
“You did the single mum thing, huh? Must’ve been tough.”
Cerys shifts in her seat and twists the cup on the table. “Yes, but better than staying in a relationship that was hurting me.”
“Yeah.” I continue to watch Ella and picture my own child. Will she be like me, or a little boy with Jem’s curls? Crap, I don’t think I’ve ever held a baby, let alone looked after a little kid.
My biggest worry surfaces. What if I end up a single mum? When I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, I knew I took a risk. Jem’s transformed his attitude toward our relationship, but what if he has another emotional freak out like he did over his mum’s death?
I’ll love this kid whether I’m with Jem or not, care for him or her better than the job my parents did with me. But I’m prepared for the possibility I may end up doing this alone. If I’m brutally honest, if Jem kicks us to one side, he’ll need to pay. I’ll have enough love for my child to cover Jem’s if this does happen.
Deep inside, I know he won’t. I’m surprised Jem hasn’t blabbed to everyone. Once the shock wore off, he was more into the idea than I was, which stunned me. He’s adamant this happened for a reason—that we came into each other’s lives when we needed. I would never pin Jem as a believer in fate—personally, I believe in cold hard facts and being responsible for everything that happens.
But we’d changed to a more reliable form of contraception once things got serious and the chances of this failing were supposedly low. Yeah, maybe fate did have a hand in this.
Jem has grand ideas about buying a place in the English countryside and living a new life with me and the baby. The holiday to Spain inspired the ‘country Jem’ and I have an amusing image of Jem growing vegetables and collecting eggs from his chickens. I also have an equal image of a little boy holding his hand as he does.
I’ve told him I need to keep going with Ruby Riot and the kid can’t stop me, so Jem immediately set about planning Ruby Riot’s year around ours. No tours for a few months after this one, and plenty of studio time.
For the first time in his life, Jem is planning the future.
“Are you okay?” Cerys’s brown eyes are full of concern. “You’re miles away.”
“Sorry, thinking about something.”
“You look sick. Liam said you’ve been unwell since the tour started. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m going to the doctor if I don’t improve. You staying with the band for long?” I hastily change the subject because I’m not discussing my health with her.
“A couple of days between gigs. We’re doing the Paris thing.”
“Romantic.”
“In January? Cold.” She laughs then whispers, “Especially since missy here found out about Disney.”
“Right.”
I eat my salad, fighting the anxiety, and don’t remember a word of the rest of the conversation with Cerys. The reality of how my life is about to change for the second time in a year hits harder than ever after this one conversation.