SEAN
Hoping for a baby just so I could have an excuse to stay with Vera was stupid. I knew that. It’s not as if me and Damian being in the picture had changed anything for dad. If anything, it made things worse.
And Vera? I wasn’t sure if she’d stop me if I went all dark side on her, not for her own sake. She’d kick me on my ass to protect a kid, though.
“I’m surprised you like it rough,” I admitted.
Vera looked up, startled. “I don’t always.”
Pulling her back to bed so we could be comfortable, I tried to coax the answer out of her. “You mean, you like it slow, too? Whatever mood strikes you?”
Or did it depend on the partner? Had she sensed my dark side? Was she drawn to it?
“No. Slow is usually gentle, and…well.” She shrugged. “I hate being held down, especially if I don’t trust the guy.”
Did she trust me? Had I ever held her down? I had pushed her face into the bed, but I always gave her wiggle room.
“I’ve freaked out over just a regular spanking before, but I barely knew him,” she continued. “I probably freaked out over everything at one point or another.”
“You never freaked out with me.” That was good, right? Unless she was so good at hiding her emotions that I hadn’t noticed it. Or I was so good at ignoring what she wanted.
Vera shook her head. “I know you’ll stop if I tell you to, so it allows me to relax and enjoy my dark side.”
I snorted at that. “You don’t have a dark side.”
“I do.” Quiet and firm answer.
Who was she kidding? Stern, sure, but never dark.
“Alright, maybe you do. You tried to make me eat bell peppers.”
She looked up at me, and there it was, my favorite smile.
“What does your dark side want?” I asked.
Vera buried her face in my chest, inhaled, then said, “At first, my adoptive parents only wanted Ljuba. She refused to go without me and Nadya. So, they agreed to take us, but Ljuba didn’t like that, either. She begged me to refuse the adoption.”
“And you didn’t,” I guessed.
“Seemed like the best thing that could’ve happened to us. I mean, we were going to the woods as much as possible just to find some mushrooms to eat because there was never enough food at the orphanage.”
She went quiet, her arms around me, her breathing steady. I didn’t need to hear the rest. I knew her well enough to figure out what was going on in her head.
“You did what you thought was best,” I said.
“I know,” she whispered, then, in a stronger voice, added, “Consciously, I know. Subconsciously, I think I deserved everything and then some. If it weren’t for my sisters and that pregnancy…”
“What pregnancy?”
She looked up at me for just a moment, then lowered her gaze. “He got me pregnant. When Tina, my adoptive mom, found out, she accused me of doing it on purpose and…anyway. I lost the baby. As soon as I felt healthy enough, my sisters and I ran away. We stayed in the woods for a while, but then a ranger found us and took us to CPS. They didn’t report us missing, so it raised some flags, and then there was enough evidence on our bodies to prove that they’d abused us, so the CPS didn’t give us back to them.”
Our? Of course, the bastard hadn’t kept his word not to touch the two younger girls.
My fists clenched on their own, thirsty for blood and the feel of bones crunching under them.
“You didn’t deserve any of that.”
“I know. Trust me, I know. I’ve been through so much therapy by now, and I psychoanalyzed the hell out of myself. I know I didn’t deserve it, but my subconscious mind is a lot harder to convince.” A tear rolled down, soaking into my skin, into my heart.