February
“He won’t admit it, but he’s miserable without you,” Hazel tells me.
I promised myself I wouldn’t ask. I swore that I don’t care if he’s moved on. It’s been months and I’m thriving. I really love the hospital I’m at. I get to see babies all the time. I took a position at a children’s hospital and saving their lives, seeing them survive has been therapeutic in a way. Many of them overcome so many obstacles. They are truly miracles. Maybe one day I’ll get another chance to be a mother. I’ve learned to live with my grief and the hole in my heart where Viking had once occupied so much space.
Those first few weeks were absolute torture. Then one day I woke up and I wasn’t quite as sad. I still miss him. I’ll always love him but its better this way for both of us. I have to keep believing it or I’ll break.
“I doubt that.”
“If you’d come to the Valentine’s party at the clubhouse you’d see.”
“You know how I feel about that.”
“But think of how much fun it’ll be. Pam is making her yummy cupcakes and stuff. You know that woman knows how to throw a party.”
“I told Wylla Mae I’d babysit. If you want to hang out before or the day after we can meet up at the mall or whatever.”
“Ugh. Party pooper.”
“I’m sure Holy has his own plans for you.”
“Yeah, but I miss you.”
“I promise I’ll be around more often. I just need time.”
“If you say so.”
“I’m good. Promise.” This time when I say it, I actually mean it. I am doing good. As good as I can be considering all things. Taking it all one day at a time. Moment to moment. Minute to minute. Second to second. Some days are harder but today hasn’t been so bad.
“He’s not dating or seeing anyone. All he does is work out or something. I don’t know.”
“I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work.”
“What am I doing?”
“Trying to get me to ask about him.”
“Well, aren’t you curious if what Justice told you is true? It didn’t even happen to me, and I want to know. I have to go the other way most the time when I see him, so I’m not tempted to ask.”
“You swore. You and Wylla Mae both know how hard things have been for me. I’m moving forward. Not looking back.”
“Okay. I’ll leave it alone. For now,” she tacks on.
“You’re impossible.”
“I’m awesome.”
“You’re okay.” I smile at the phone, imaging her mouth hanging open like she’s shocked I’d say such a thing.
“Pfft, girl. Keep talking like that, I’ll be finding me a new bestie.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
“You better.”
We end our call and I scratch Winston on the belly.
The apartment I live in now is smaller but functional. The rent is also cheaper which is a plus. Life here is quiet. I found a new Zumba instructor and started taking self-defense classes.
I miss meeting up for lunch with Wylla and Hazel. They are the downside to this whole thing. I don’t have friends her, but it’s better if I don’t get attached and let other people in. I’m not good company to have with how my moods fluctuate between high and low.
I avoid Charleston like the plague. I only recently started talking to Wylla Mae and Hazel again. I know it wasn’t fair of me. They finally cornered my mother at the grocery store and forced my new phone number out of her. They both gave me down the road for just cutting them off the way I did, but I had to. If I didn’t, I would have run straight back to Viking.
I would have been forced to tell him that I lost our baby. To confront the horrible things that Justice not only said to me but the things he did to me.
Seeing him around…there’s no way.
And if Viking ever knew he’d no doubt kill him.
As twisted as it sounds, I’m doing this for him.
I loved him enough to walk away.