“She is so perfect,” I whisper to myself as tears begin to fall down my cheeks.
How can I feel such joy and pain at the same time? The joy is holding this little bundle of love, her pure innocence radiating from her in waves. Every time I get a whiff of her scent, my body warms to her presence. Then the piercing pain that follows, realizing that I get to experience this, but her own mother doesn’t. Wondering how she could be taken from this earth before she had the chance to get to know her baby girl. Before she got to rock her to sleep in her nursery that we spent hours decorating. Before she got to see her baby smile or hear her say ‘mama’ for the first time.
I forgot Liam was standing there until he is suddenly next to me as he wipes my tears away with a tissue.
“She would have loved to show her off to you,” Liam says with a shaky breath. “I don’t know how many times she would start off a sentence withWhen the baby gets here, Riley and I…,” he laughs at the memories.
“She was so excited to be a mom. She was going to be the best mom too. I could see her unconditional love for this little one before she even met her.”
“It should have been me,” he says softly.
I look up at him and see him staring at his baby girl. It breaks my heart that he could possibly think that could be true. This baby shouldn’t have had to lose either of her parents.
“It shouldn’t have been either of you, Liam.” I wait until he meets my eyes to finish. “This baby is so lucky to have you as a father. I know we are friends by association,” he chuckles at that. “But please know that you’re going to be amazing at this, I can feel it. And if you need anything, please, don’t hesitate to call me. I promise it doesn’t matter what time of day or night. I would have told Becca the same thing and I’m telling it to you.”
“Thanks Riley, that means a lot.”
Harper begins to stir in my arms. I try to move around and bounce her, but the squirming turns to crying pretty quickly.
“She must be hungry,” Liam stands.
He moves to the corner of the room where he pulls Becca’s diaper bag out. I recognize it as Becca’s because we were together when she bought it. We were walking through a baby boutique when she spotted it. It was way too much money for a diaper bag, even I will admit that, but she loved it. After five minutes of her holding it and going back and forth on whether or not she should buy it, I forced her to get it for herself. She was going to be living with that thing for the foreseeable future, so she might as well love it.
Harper is beginning to get a little bit frustrated by the time Liam has mixed a bottle together. Once he is in the rocking chair and seated, I hand him the baby. Harper is resistant to the bottle at first, but with some patient coaxing, she takes it willingly. I stand there and watch as Liam whispers to her while she takes down the milk. He is going to have a rough road ahead of him, but I think he’s going to be okay.
“There she is,” I hear a woman’s voice behind me. When I turn around, I see Liam’s mom approaching the rocking chair.
“Hi, mom,” Liam says while looking back at Harper.
“How is she doing?” she looks over his shoulder to get a better view of her granddaughter.
“Good, just started her feeding a minute ago.”
“Well, I just spoke to Shirley and Robert about the funeral arrangements. They’re going to take care of everything, so you can just focus on Harper right now.”
I suddenly feel like I’m standing in the middle of a conversation that I have no business being a part of, even if Becca was my best friend.
Liam looks up at me. “Mom, you remember Becca’s best friend, Riley. She was the maid of honor at our wedding.”
“Oh, yes. How are you dear?” she walks up to me and wraps her arms around me. “Thank you for checking in on my babies.”
“It’s no problem at all. I had to meet her, despite everything going on.”
“I’m so happy you did. Becca would have wanted that.”
“Well, I don’t want to overstay my welcome. You two have a lot going on. I will tell Shirley that I’m available to help with all the arrangements and planning.” I grab my purse and walk over to Harper to rub her cheek before I leave.
Liam looks up at me. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“I’ll see you two soon,” I say before I walk away.
As I get in my car and begin to drive home, I look over at the cupcakes. I can just picture Becca grabbing one and eating it while she complained about calories. I can’t help the smile that takes over my face at the thought. I think I'll always look at cupcakes and see Becca. Not being able to help myself, I reach for her favorite s'mores cupcake and take a bite. I'm instantly transported to one of our many nights sitting outside, drinking wine while we indulge in these sugary treats.