Chapter Nineteen
JULIE
My house felt darker and colder after Adam left. The headache I’d faked, to escape from work, took hold for real, and I gave in to it, curling up in my bed, and wishing the whole world away, so I could rest.
Lying to get out of work, so you could try to seduce him, proves what a cheap whore you are.
I didn’t understand why he hadn’t realised yet that I was completely worthless, and likely to cause him nothing but trouble. I knew it was wrong, to keep contact with him, but I found it so hard to resist. His smile, his laugh, his way of dragging me into his lap to hold me, unknowingly fulfilling a need I’d never voiced to him.
Desperate, pathetic, needy…worthless to any man. Especially him. You’re filth.
The voice was becoming more and more frequent in my mind. Chipping away at everything inside me, except my self-loathing. It had gone back to feeding that, like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I sat up in bed, knowing that the only thing that would shut it up for a while was the one thing I’d managed to avoid, for so many months. Almost nine of them. It would give me peace. Ease my pain. Quiet the voice. Shut it away, at least for a while.
I slipped out of bed, and went to the bathroom, opening the cupboard above the sink. Sliding aside the toothpaste, face cream, and other items I’d placed strategically in front of it, was the pack of blades.
Hidden from me, in an attempt to keep the compulsion locked away, while I tried other unsuccessful ways of silencing the voice.
I opened the pack, and withdrew a fresh blade, staring at it for a moment, watching as it caught the light, gleaming at me like the salvation I knew it would be.
I slipped my pyjama pants down, and stepped out of them, and then I sat on the side of the bath. I stared down at my legs, at the almost hidden rows of ridged scars, neat and perfect. Structured, and carefully drawn. Three should do it tonight. I’d waited too long. I could have managed with one, or even two, if I hadn’t tried to manage without. The voice was out of control now.
This just makes you even more pathetic than all the needy begging for him to fuck you.
I frowned. I was sure I hadn’t actually voiced those needs to him. Had I?
I hooked my left foot up on the toilet lid, and stared at my inner thigh. Took a breath. Waited until my hand steadied.
As I pressed the incredibly sharp blade against my skin, and slid it carefully down, parallel to the last lines, I hissed in a breath, as the pain lit across my flesh, like burning ice. Yes. This. More. I need more.
I sliced a second line beside the first, about a centimetre away, matching the length and angle of the last one. The burning pain sent a rush of peace throughout my body. Maybe this would be enough. I rubbed the back of my hand across my face, abrading the tickle on my skin from the tears.
Nobody will ever want to touch you with all these scars. You’re filthy and unbearably ugly.
Dammit no. A sob rushed out of me, and I drew a third line, a methodical triplet to the previous two. Silence filled my head, while the silence of the room was broken by my hitching sobs, as I purged myself of all the sorrow and disgust I felt for myself. Tossing the blade into the sink, I slid down from the edge of the bath, landing on the tiled floor with a jarring thud.
Wrapping my arms around my legs, I rested my head on my knees, and sank into blissful numbness for a while.
**********
ADAM
As soon as Jeff saw my face, he knew the news was bad. Of course, he didn’t know for sure just how bad, and I couldn’t tell him yet.
I ordered a bourbon for him, and a light beer for myself, because I shouldn’t be drinking anything, but I needed to drink with him. Solidarity, and all that shit.
“Just tell me. It’s bad, isn’t it?”
I sat down, pushing the drink into his hand.
“Jeff… I don’t know anything for sure yet, but I’ve just returned from a crime scene in Oxfordshire. A man’s body was found.”
Jeff’s hand shook as he lifted the glass to his mouth, and drained it in two large gulps.
“Is it him?”
I pulled out my phone, and scrolled through the pictures, showing him the scene.