Marco was driving, and I was just sitting in the passenger seat. Numb. Silent. Above all of the shock, horror, and devastation for Julie, was the overriding sense of guilt. It was my fault. I drew her into all of this shit. I kept her involved. I should have stepped away from her. I should have put distance there, as soon as I realised that she could get hurt. Like a selfish bastard, I just kept going back, and going back.
“Stop beating yourself up, man. You didn’t do this to her.” Marco said gruffly, clearly having had enough of the tense silence in the car.
“Any way you look at it, it’s my fault. I should have stayed away from her.”
I stared through the window, watching other people’s lives slide past us, seeing people smile and laugh, and wondering if Julie would ever do either again.
“I’ve learned the hard way, that it’s impossible to stay away from the right woman, Teller. Why didn’t the two of you deserve to be happy? This is all on him. Not you.”
I swallowed hard, because suddenly all I wanted to do was cry. For her. For us. And I couldn’t do that in front of Marco. Not him. He wasn’t the sort to cry. He’d judge me for being weak. And he should. I was weak. I should never have left her alone.
“I should have stayed. No… I should have stayed away from her. She’d have been safe.” I said quietly, swallowing again against that lump in my throat, that just wouldn’t fucking go.
Marco groaned, slowing as he came to traffic lights.
“Teller, nobody saw this coming. There’s no way we could have. His record was fucking clean as a whistle. No sign of any capacity to hurt anyone. Trust me, if there had been, he would have been dead right away, and there wouldn’t have been a case.”
I stared at him, at the anger on his face. He was so filled with rage. For Julie. Because he was that kind of man. He looked out for women. He cared. I should have cared enough to keep away from her.
“Maybe we pushed him to this. Maybe he never did something like that before. Maybe we fucked with his head, just enough that we triggered some kind of devolved state. My god… she was alone, and she couldn’t fight him off… oh god…” The tears poured out of my eyes, and I scrunched my fists against them, trying to hide the huge wrenching sobs that came up from inside, no longer willing to be swallowed down.
“Fuck. Come on, man. Let it out now, so you can be strong for her when we get there. She needs you now, more than ever.”
I wasn’t sure she’d ever want to see me again. Everything we’d had would be tainted by this horrific event, and quite rightly so. I felt the sorrow and guilt roaring through me, and I couldn’t stop. So much had happened, leading up to this moment. And I should have seen it coming. Somehow, I should have realised that the real threat wasn’t coming from the people I’d suspected.
Marco patted my shoulder, shoving a handful of paper napkins at me.
“You have to stop blaming yourself, Teller. I can see you doing it. I can see you torturing yourself, and it’s not going to help anyone. Especially not her. She needs you to give her strength now, while she tries to find her own again.”
I used the napkins to wipe my face, blowing my nose awkwardly, because they were crappy paper things, from some fast food place, and not really up to the job. Marco unlatched his seatbelt, sitting still for a minute.
“I know Julie is the one we need to look after right now, but I’m also worried about how this will affect Lenore. That fucking Clarke family. Evil runs in their blood, I guess. How many people trusted them, and thought they were good people?”
I stared at him, my head throbbing savagely. “I can’t believe I felt bad for him, losing his son, who was a fucking monster. All along, the real evil was sitting right in front of me.”
Marco heaved a huge sigh. “We should get in there, Teller. See where we’re needed.”
I stared at the entrance to the clinic. I felt like my feet had been cemented to the floor of the car.
“Jesus. I can’t. Marco, I can’t go in there.”
He got out of the car, and came around to my side, dragging me forcibly out of the car.
“I know this is hell for you, because we’re all feeling it too. We’re all wishing we could go back a day, and stop this before it could happen. But the most important thing is that she’s your woman, yeah? She loves you, and she needs you. So whatever the hell you’re feeling, you’re going to push it back. You’re going to focus on her, and what she needs, for as long as she needs. And when you need a break, you come to me, and I’ll do what I can to support you. Lenore is probably going to want to spend time with her anyway, and Cass. And she needs them too. Neither of you are alone, you get that right?”
I stared at him, wondering if I could be as strong as him, for Julie, for right now.
He nodded, squeezing my shoulder. “You can do this, okay?” He nudged me forward and I walked toward that clinic, like my feet were sinking into wet mud, and it took more energy than I had, to lift them each time.