Chapter Forty-Two
JULIE
What a crazy messed up night. I couldn’t believe the things that had happened. To Adam. To us. Seeing Cassidy, or I guess, Cass, again after all this time, was amazing. Bizarre, and shocking, but amazing. Because she really did look happy, and well, and free. Isn’t that what we want for those we love?
Those Bennett guys were scary, but I think that while they’re a threat to men, they’d never hurt me, because they treasure Cass, and she cares for me.
“Right. We’re getting up to your bedroom, and then somehow I’m going to find a way to fuck you, like I’ve wanted to do all fucking day.”
I giggled, reaching out to help Adam up from the sofa. It was almost one in the morning, and we were both tired, but after the revelations of this night, I knew we couldn’t sleep until we’d consummated our declarations of love.
He was moving okay, considering that there was dried blood on his neck, and a bad bruise on the side of his head. He’d been hit with something. That much was obvious. Thank god they hadn’t done more damage to him than this. His ribs were hurting him again, like they’d been re-injured, but if I had to ride his cock while he stayed still, then that was what I’d do. Happily. Because I needed to be with him.
In the bedroom, after we’d both used the bathroom, and freshened up as best we could, Adam sat on the bed naked, erect, and fucking beautiful.
“I need you, lit… uh… Julie.”
I finished unbuttoning my blouse, and let it slip to the floor, unzipping my jeans, and stepping out of them as I approached him. All that was left to remove was my underwear, which Adam made short work of, when I reached him. He guided me to stand between his legs, and then he started covering my skin with tiny kisses, teasing slides of his lips, occasional sweeps of his tongue.
His fingers slid down my sides, cupping my ass, holding me close, so he could tease my skin, his lips finally sealing around one of my nipples, just seconds before his fingers slipped between my legs. I had to step them apart to give him access, and for a few moments, I was in heaven, as his lips, tongue, and fingers drove me higher. I dug my fingernails into his shoulders, as I quivered in his hold.
And then he moved his mouth from my nipple, to watch his fingers as they slipped inside me. As I stepped my legs a little further apart, he moved his hand, and then I heard a quiet curse. He lifted his eyes to look into mine, and then he nudged me back, just enough to see my legs properly. His fingers trailed over my thighs, and down to the large plasters over the newest cuts on my thighs.
“Jesus, Julie. What have you done to yourself?”
I tried to pull away, but his fingers latched around my wrists, and he stopped me.
“Did you do these tonight? Because I didn’t show up?”
I looked away from him, my chest starting to heave with my breaths, as I tried to pull away from him.
“Stop! Just stop trying to pull away. I’m serious, Julie. This is fucking important. Did you do these, because of me?”
I shook my head, and he frowned. “So why? Talk to me. Tell me what made you feel the need to damage yourself even more? I need to know, so I can help.”
“You can’t help, okay? This isn’t about you. This is about me, and how fucked up my brain is. This is about me needing the pain, to push away the voice, and the hate, and the disgust, so that I can function. This is about me, needing the pain!”
He tightened his grip on my wrists. “Pain helps? I don’t think that’s normal, Julie. How did you even decide that pain was a good thing? The right thing?”
I stared at him, blinking against the bite of tears. I’d never had to discuss this, or justify it with anyone. I didn’t know where to start. My parents had learned of it, and swept it under the rug along with their hopes and dreams for me. My sister had been too young to understand, and so she never knew.
Cassidy had been the only person I could talk to about it, and then she’d vanished, and left me to cope with it alone. The pain had been my only relief.
“Please let go of my wrists.”
Adam did, but then he sighed.
“Don’t go. Sit with me, please. I love you, Julie. I want to do whatever it is that you need, so that you don’t have to do this.”
I sat beside him, my thigh pressed against his, and then I took his hand, sliding it over my thigh. Keeping my eyes on his, I slid his fingers over the newest cuts, supposedly protected beneath the waterproof plaster over them. I pressed them against the plaster, and hissed with pain as I did, but as ever, I felt that rush of calm that came from the pain.
“Jesus, Julie. What… what exactly are we doing here?”
I laced my small fingers through his, barely managing to spread mine wide enough to link between his.
“Pain helps, Adam. The cuts help, because they give me that. When they’re new, they can help even after the moment I create them.” I pressed his fingers against my injured thigh again, and sighed.
“You wanted to understand. I’m showing you.”