Chapter EIGHT ~ Lay Him to Rest
His bright blue eyestwinkled into mine, and I ran my fingers through his black strands. The silky softness of them between my fingers as they glisten in the sunlight and we lay on my bed. The sunlight streaming through the window and the sun’s rays lighting the bed. I smiled at him, and his gorgeous smile shone back at me with admiration. I lay facing him and he did the same. Lost in one another and considering the future.
“You’re so beautiful and I bet if we had a girl, she would have your beauty.” Matthew said as he reached out and caressed my cheek.
“Oh? Are we having that conversation right now?” I asked as I giggled and continued to play with his hair.
“Yes, we are and it’s about damn time.” Matthew replied as he nodded his head and I felt the bed wobble slightly in response. “Ever since I placed that ring on your finger, I’ve been thinking about it.”
I glanced up at the engagement ring as it shone with the sunlight and smiled. The diamonds shimmered brightly with pride and I’m so honored he chose me to wear it. Its beauty is astounding and I couldn’t wait for our wedding band to sit beside it.
“And how many children have you thought about having?” I asked curiously and narrowed my eyes.
“A whole freaking house full.” Matthew teased as he chuckled and I placed my hand on his cheek.
“It would be a madhouse!” I giggled loudly and pulled in closer.
All I could see were those big, bright, beautiful eyes. Staring into the depths of me and consuming my soul. His blue shades of color glistened, and he blinked his beautiful lashes. Thinking we were meant to be and having our happily ever after. Us with this business and a big house. Our entire flock of children and we will all grow together. Growing older as the years pass, but one thing always remains the same.
Our love for one another.
“It will be amazing, Cassie.” Matthew breathed as his eyes grew serious and his lips met mine. Pulling me into a sweet kiss that I could stay lost in forever. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Matthew.” I breathed as I placed my fingertips on my lips and dried the tears laid upon my face.
Lost in the memory of us that swirled around in my mind with so many others since he’s gone. Losing myself in them as I lay in my bed where we once were together, but now it’s only me. I’m left alone with my grief and heartbreak after Matthew’s tragic death. He died in an explosion and his funeral is today. But I can’t bring myself to leave my bed.
All I can do is lay here and stare at my engagement ring. Shimmering in the light and spinning it around my finger. It once meant so much promise, but now meant nothing. He’s gone and taken away from me before our life truly began. Nothing feels right without him on this earth, and I don’t know how to move on.
My heart is broken.
“I miss you so damn much.” I breathed and wiped my hand over my blotchy red eyes from days of crying.
Matthew should be here right now with me, getting ready for our upcoming wedding, but he’s not. I’m angry with myself for letting him go so easily when I should’ve begged him to stay. I should’ve got down on my knees and pleaded with him. Hell, I could’ve gotten angry with him and lived with it. At least he would still be here.
But I knew his lifestyle, and I chose to be a part of it. And now I have to live with this emptiness for the rest of my life. This hole in my heart that I fear can never be whole again.
Suddenly, there is a light knock on my door, and it breaks me from my devastating thoughts. I peered up through wet lashes at my best friend’s sad expression. The pity I see upon her face that I wish so much not to see. But it’s there and will probably remain.
“It’s time to get ready, sweetie.” Lexi breathed quietly.
But I didn’t want to hear it.
I didn’t want to even think about it. Dreading this day and wanting to only remember the memories. Not wanting to think about the last time I got to be with him. But it’s not even him. Just his lifeless body.
He’s gone.
I couldn’t stop the tears that filled my eyes and fell onto the sheets below. Couldn’t hold back my sadness as it consumes me once again and my body shakes. Overwhelming grief takes hold as Lexi rushes to my side and wraps her arms around me.
My cries fill the room as my words quiver and breath quickens. “I don’t want to do this without him. I can’t do this without him.”
“You will do this with me. You can do this with me by your side.” Lexi promised as she kissed my forehead and wiped my tears away.
“No, I can’t...” I breathed as she rocked me in her embrace and held on tight.
“I’m so sorry he’s gone.” Lexi sighed, pulled me upright, brushed my hair away from my face, and cradled my head in her hands. “But Cassie, you have to do this because you will regret it one day. I know you and you know Matthew would want you there.”
Her brown eyes pierced into mine with determination, but worry. All mixed in one as she tried to convince me to do the one thing I didn’t want to do, and that was say goodbye. But she’s right. Matthew would want me there and he would want me to make this step forward. To help me come to terms with his tragic end and try to find happiness once again.
Even though all I wanted was him.
“O-okay...” I sighed with a shaky breath and placed my hands in hers.
“Okay, let’s get you ready, Cassie.” Lexi said and nodded in agreement as she stood.
Picking up the single black dress hanging from a hanger on the doorknob. The color is dark and gloomy. The dress symbolizes Matthew’s death and I never want to see it again. Never want to wear it again because I never want to be reminded of this day ever again. I never want to remember the last time I got to be with the man I lost. The one person I thought I’d be with forever, but now only feels like a terrible nightmare.
***
WALKING THROUGH THEgraveyard was a complete blur. The wet grass from the morning’s dew touched my toes in my black heels, but I didn’t care. I’m numb, sad and chilled.
Cold down to the very core as I wander through the graveyard and hold Lexi’s hand. Feeling her gripping it tightly as I hang on loosely and want to run away. Freeing myself from this overwhelming pain that I know will consume me at any moment, but I had to hold on. If I don’t do this, I might regret it for the rest of my life. This is the only time I have to give my last goodbye and I have to push through it.
“Matthew...” I breathed as my eyes widened and laid upon the single closed casket.
The wood was dark and looked smooth to the touch. Enormous bouquets of flowers spread out as a small crowd gathered around, and I knew it was almost time. No one can see his body because the explosion made him unrecognizable, but his sergeant in charge identified him. His best friend. A man I’m supposed to meet, but never will. An occasion that should’ve been wonderful, but now only dark. The opportunity's gone and replaced with this.
His funeral.
I lingered close by and watched as men dressed in uniform stood nervously nearby. Each holding a single flag folded neatly in their grasp. The flags that symbolized our country and everything that Matthew fought for. I should feel proud and thankful for his service, but I don’t. My selfishness has taken hold and I’m left with anger. I’m left saddened by the loss of someone I loved and he’s never coming back.
My tear-filled eyes landed upon his parents as they held one another and wept for their only son. I watched the flag placed neatly over his casket and knew this was it. This was the end and the last time to be with the man I’ve lost. My body trembled, but I stood my ground. Watching on as grief consumes me and his casket slowly lowers into the big hole dug within the ground. Freshly made just for him and a dark, empty place, just like my broken heart.
“No! My baby boy, please come back to me!” Matthew’s mother wept as she reached for him and tears streamed down her red cheeks.
Matthew’s father held his inconsolable wife tightly, and a man in uniform slowly handed him the final flag. It’s folded neatly, but soon unwoven as his father falls to the ground, holding his grief-stricken wife. Their sobs filled the chilled morning air as they pleaded for their son and grieved the one they lost.
The sight was unbearable and I couldn’t take it anymore. Matthew should be here, not dead, and left in darkness. He should be here with me and his family. My heartbeat speeds up and my legs take flight. Fleeing a funeral for my dead fiancé and wishing for this all to be a terrible nightmare. One that I will wake up from and lay within his arms once again. But that’s not how it was meant to be.