It was true, of course. I knew that. "He didn't want me," I said in a small voice. "I think I made a romance out of them when I was a little girl, but when I think about them now…he was barely twenty and just out of the army. He met a nymph in the woods, and I don't know if he chased her or she offered herself up willingly, but…it was just sex for them, wasn't it? It wasn't love. And then I appeared on his doorstep."
"There are no excuses, Hazel," Jude whispered.
Weren't there? Maybe not. I didn't know. "You're right. I need to carve his voice out of my head," I said.
"It takes time." Jude turned his face, kissed the top of my head. "All my life, my mother told me my father was an angel or a prince, that I was a blessing, even as she struggled to feed us both, to find us somewhere to live when it was so clear I was a bastard. I could never reconcile her words to what I knew was true. My father burdened my mother with my birth."
It was my turn to offer comfort, and I curled into Jude's side, wrapped an arm over his waist, and listened with the same quiet patience he'd offered me. It had been an even exchange between us since the beginning, a perfect balancing of scales.
"I had to do everything I could to be that blessing, to make her life easier," Jude said. "But…sometimes, I just wanted to prove the truth to her. My father had taken advantage of a girl and then left her with the consequences of his actions." He paused and then whispered in my ear, "I'm sixty-eight, by the way."
I snorted and slapped his chest lightly. "Old man!"
"Spinster," he answered, chuckling.
We rested in the quiet of the carriage. It was sunny out, and the houses were thinning into smaller neighborhoods, estates, and parks.
"We are proof that the two worlds we are made of refuse to fit together," I said softly.
"Perhaps," Jude said, shrugging. "Some bridges take time."
I sighed and nodded, then gently extracted myself from Jude's embrace. He blinked, leaning back against the leather cushions of the carriage, watching and waiting for whatever I said next. I'd never expected to find the truth so easy to share in my life, and with Jude, it was getting more and more natural to let the words spill free.
"I've spent all my years at the theater trying to train myself not to fall in love," I admitted.
His brow furrowed slightly, but he kept his tone neutral. "And now you feel you can't?"
I huffed a sigh, wrinkled my nose, and held his stare as I answered. "And now I'm frustrated by how easy it still is."
Jude's smile was gentle, and so were his hands as he pulled me closer. I arched and met his lips, studying him briefly as his eyes shut and his face smoothed. My own eyes fell shut as his tongue licked at my mouth, begging entrance, which I offered eagerly. When I grew greedy for more, trying to suck that tongue and wiggling myself closer, he pulled away with a laugh.
"Oh no, you don't. We're too close to the destination now for you to disrupt my control."
"We really need to get you more in touch with your monstrous side. Less of this human nobility, if you please," I said, grinning as he laughed, all of the somber detective vanishing from his expression. He was incandescently beautiful.
"You know there are others," I said, biting my lip.
He blinked at me and then realized my meaning. "Of course I know. You said and I've noticed. I've met them. I don't care."
I nodded and relaxed, then realized he was debating something in his head, his eyes drifting around the carriage.
"Tell me," I prompted, tapping a finger on his chest. "If it bothers you, please, tell me."
"It doesn't. Honestly. I just… How does it all…go with so many of them?" he asked. "In sex."
I laughed, and Jude's arms circled my waist as I melted into giggles. "I mean, I have some ideas, but we haven't gotten that far yet."
"It just seems like an awful lot of work for one person," he said.
"Are you offering to help?" I teased.
But his cheeks pinked and his eyes ducked. "Maybe. With some of them."
Ronan and Jude were getting along, I'd noticed. Flying lessons and hunting the killer together. This opened up a sudden, delicious world of possibilities.
I kissed Jude again before he could worry. "I'd be more than happy to accept that help," I whispered, nuzzling his ear, grinning at his pant of breath. I tried to slip my hand on his chest down to his groin, but he caught me before I could succeed.
"Don't make me handcuff you," he said, then groaned as my eyes lit up.
"Oh, but that's such a lovely—Mph!" I softened in the kiss, and moaned as the carriage came to a stop. Jude pulled away grinning.
"Finally," he gasped, shaking himself loose of me and pushing the door open.
I opened my mouth to tease him again for running away from me, when the lush and damp air of the woods rushed into the carriage and filled my lungs. Outside the carriage was a dense woods, quiet and misty and filled with birdsong.
Jude stood at the door, hand extended to help me down. "Ready?"
Not at all, I thought, but I accepted his hand.