My body grows warm, my mind jumping back to New Year’s. How it felt to be with him. How wanted and beautiful every single one of his touches had made me feel. The way he watched me. How he seemed almost as desperate to be with me, to be inside me, as I felt to be with him.
Sure, Ryan is handsome and sexy, and our chemistry was off the charts that first night, and then again when we made out. But my hormones were in charge that evening, pushing all of my pregnancy worries aside for a moment. Most days, they live front and center in my brain, smothering everything in their way and using up every last piece of my brain.
“Harps, don’t try to tell me you haven’t considered it until now.”
I shake my head. “I can’t really do that after I told you that I practically jumped him.”
“Well, he is the perfect guy for the job, considering he already knocked you up.”
I chuckle at her nonchalant delivery, even if it’s still somewhat of a sensitive subject.
“He did, didn’t he?” My hand goes to my belly, something that’s been happening more often this week. Although I can’t feel anything on the inside or outside, it’s become an almost compulsive motion. Would it be a total mood killer for Ryan? He seemed into our make-out session as much as I was, so hopefully that means the idea of his baby in my stomach wouldn’t be a huge turnoff.
Tara shakes her head at me, probably aware of having lost me to Ryan-land. “Any news on the job front?”
There goes my brief good mood. “Not really. I applied at a bunch of companies but haven’t heard back from anyone.”
“Something will pop up eventually. I’ll keep an eye out as well.”
“Thanks. I need to find something sooner rather than later or no one will hire me once I start showing. They’ll know I’m going to have to take off some time later this year.”
“Have you thought about what you want to do?” She tilts her head. “I mean after the baby is born?”
Only all day and night.
How could I not? My life is going to change. Utterly and completely. I’ll be responsible for a human being. I need to provide for it with everything it needs around the clock.
Crap. Talk about a huge responsibility.
I rub one of my eyes. “I have no clue about anything. There’s so much to think about, and so many unknowns, I don’t even know where to begin.”
Tara’s expression softens. “I can only imagine. But I know you’ll figure it out. And I’m here to help, remember? You’re not alone.”
I know what she means, but aren’t I? Alone?
I nod anyway, not wanting to talk about this now. “Thank you.”
We catch up some more, or rather, Tara catches me up on her week and the people she’s met, stores and restaurants she’s visited, and whatever else exciting has been happening in her life.
I smile and nod at the right moments, happy for her, but also a little melancholy.
The most important people in my life have all moved on, starting journeys that don’t involve me, but that they fully enjoy anyway.
And I’m happy for her, for them. I’m really trying to be.
Your time will come. Smile. This sadness is temporary.
We hang up, and the relief that surges through my body surprises me. It’s hard to keep up appearances, to pretend, especially with your best friend who knows you inside and out.
My phone buzzes next to me on the comforter.
An incoming message from Ryan.
My body reacts again, but this time, it’s energy rushing through my veins.
I click on the screen, and a photo loads. My heart pounds hard against my rib cage as I wait, unsure of what to expect.
A text message pops up while the photo is still loading.