HARPER
Do you really want this baby, or are we making a mistake?
The skin along my neck prickles. On one side I can’t believe I just asked him such a loaded question, but on the other hand, I’m also incredibly relieved it’s out. I need to know one hundred percent since these nagging doubts are driving me insane.
Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but my head and heart have been all over the place emotionally. Sometimes I feel numb, other times lonely. Occasionally also slightly bitchy. Especially after getting another message from Ben. My mind’s still trying to figure out what on earth has gotten into him that he’s sending me messages all of a sudden, but I’m trying not to think about it too much.
I’m just irritated because I can’t block an unknown number, at least not without blocking them all. Maybe that’s why he’s doing it. It’s been screwing with me, and now I’m making things awkward with Ryan.
I push some hair out of my face. “I mean, I cannot not have this baby, but are you really interested in being a father? I just really don’t want to put you—or us—in a situation you don’t want to be in that would make all of us miserable.”
Ryan’s mouth opens and closes, his full lips staying open on a long exhale. Then he gulps. “Wow, uh. I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough before, but we made a baby together, and I definitely want to have a relationship with my child. I want to take care of it. I want to take care of both of you as much as I can. It’s the least I can do.”
I feel lightheaded but resist the urge to crumble right in front of him. Instead, I hold on to his arm for dear life while tears prick the corners of my eyes. I needed to hear that. Gosh, I really did.
“Thank you.” I brush the corners of my eyes in case any liquid escapes.
His gaze is on me, the intensity in his eyes arresting, and I can’t decide what to make of it.
“Hey. None of that. Come here.” His voice is raspy like it was hard to get the words out.
I press my eyelids together as Ryan pulls me into his arms. Just like earlier at the hospital, I fit perfectly against his chest. Focusing on his heartbeat, I try to get a handle on my emotions.
Once I’m calmer, I sag a little more against him. Enjoying the warmth, and to be honest, enjoying the human contact.
Getting these hugs from him is comfort food for my soul and heart, replenishing something in me I didn’t even know has been getting empty. With Ben out of my life from one day to the next, and later on followed by my mom leaving for her trip and then Tara leaving for England, I’ve mainly been alone, mostly talking to people on the phone or computer.
I feel empty somehow, which is ironic, really. I thought I felt lonely last year when my husband told me he wanted a divorce because he wasn’t “feeling” it anymore. It wasn’t what he expected marriage was going to be like. He didn’t even care enough to explain it to me. He simply didn’t want me anymore.
Thanks for that, dipshit.
Somehow, none of it compares to how desolate I currently feel.
One of Ryan’s hands rubs my back in circles. “It’s all going to work out, I promise. I’m here for you. And once you’re back in New York, I’m just a phone call away.”
“Thank you.”
Syncing my breathing with the steady rhythm of his heart has done wonders, and I slowly open my eyes. All I see are green hedges that outline the property, looking beautiful in the process. A perfect place to raise a child.
Too bad you don’t live here.
Since Ryan doesn’t move away from me, I don’t either. This hug feels wonderful, and I want to bask in it for as long as I can. We might be strangers on paper, but we’ve also been intimate. And now that we’ve spent some more time together, I’m positive he truly is a good guy.
My knees almost buckle at the relief I feel over that fact.
He could have been a good actor when we met to get what he wanted and then turned out to be a total asshole who just happens to have gotten me pregnant. That would have been the cherry on top of my chaotic life. Thank the stars he’s not that.
So far, I’m happy he seems to be the same guy I met a month ago. Easygoing, patient, and understanding. Cute and charming. Polite. And very easy on the eyes, but I’m trying to ignore that fact because that’s not what I’m here for.
He squeezes my back gently before pulling away. I probably look like a total mess with my bandage, bruised eye, and now most likely also a red nose and red eyes, but it’s not like I can hide from him right now. To be honest, I’m also too exhausted to hide. It takes a lot of energy.
“Listen to me, Harper. Everything is still new, and it’ll take time to get used to it all, especially with life being so crazy busy since you found out. I mean, you just flew almost three thousand miles to find me. All of that takes guts.”
I snort. I did do that. “Most mornings, it still hits me that there’s a small human growing inside me. I honestly don’t think it can get weirder than that.”
Ryan brushes a hand over my hair. “Probably not. That’s nature for you, I guess. It does amazing things, no matter how hard it is to wrap your head around them sometimes. It creates beauty in mysterious ways. Sometimes I wonder if we’re supposed to understand it all.”
I stare at this beautiful man who has more depth to him than I remember. I don’t want to say I’m surprised, but maybe I am a teeny bit? It’s . . . cute. Fascinating. And . . . sexy.