LOREN
When Atticus had gotten Immy’s second call saying there was a dead body, I was immediately transported back to the night my father died, and I realized that while I’d been playing happy family, I’d ignored my grief. And now that we were faced with another death, I couldn’t put it off any longer.
Especially when Jude needed me.
Quickly, those of us at the house jumped into a car to head to the scene. Atticus was on the phone the entire ride, talking to Topher. Nicco called the police chief since Sax wasn’t with us. I realized that we should probably let him know as well. What did I even say? Words felt difficult, freezing on my tongue.
Monroe squeezed my hand, breaking me out of my circle of thoughts. It was only the four of us since Sax had been over at Pop’s and Wells was training. He’d wanted to leave with us, but I told him to stay. There wasn’t much for him to do, and it was better for him to train with the fight only a week away.
I think the only reason Monroe came was for me. He always seemed to know when I needed to lean on him. Cuddling into his arms, I looked at my phone and pulled up Sax’s number. Staring at it, I tried to practice how I could word what was going on to him.
Hey, Sax, we…
Sax, there’s been…
Babe, I need you. Jude…
It seemed I couldn’t get the words out, even in my head. Logically, I knew my brain was protecting me, not letting me think about it, but it was a really inconvenient time for it to have an aversion to things. Monroe grabbed the phone out of my hand, saving me once again from having to figure it out right then. I sighed into him, not even fighting him on it as he called Sax and told him the news. Listening to their conversation, I began to process it a little.
“Hey man, there’s been—. Oh, you’re already there? Okay, good. We’re en route.” He paused, and I felt him shift a little, and I wondered what he was doing but was also too tired to care. “She’s okay, I think. Yeah, okay.” Monroe stopped again, pulling back more, forcing me to look at him.
“He wants to talk to you.” He held out the phone to me. Slowly, I reached out for the device, watching as my fingers wrapped around it and brought it to my ear. Everything felt like it was moving slower; that feeling of quicksand returning, and a spike of fear rushed through me, jolting me out of the funk.
No. I wouldn’t fall back into that person. I wasn’t her anymore. I was strong. Grieving didn’t make me weak. It was a natural part of life. I could do this. I would do this. Jude needed me. I was a mother now.
Feeling more present, I lifted the phone to my ear, clearing my throat. “Sax?”
“Spitfire, you okay?”
“I’m, yeah. It’s just making me think of my dad.” There I said it.
“You don’t need to put yourself in this situation. We can handle it.”
“Jude needs me. I can do this.”
“You can, Spitfire. I love you.”
His words were said with such reverence that they brought a smile to my face, lifting some of the sadness away. He was right. I could do this. I was so used to being alone that having others help shoulder the burden was still odd to me. But if I’d take a moment to open my eyes, I’d realize I didn’t have to do everything on my own anymore. I could grieve my father and be present for my son. I didn’t have to manage everything. In fact, it wasn’t good for me to try.
That was a trap I no longer would fall prey to.
We rolled to a stop a few minutes later, and I took a deep breath, centering myself. Monroe squeezed my hand, and I stole his strength. Stepping out of the car, my anxiety and grief fled me the second I spotted Jude and Immy huddled together. Jude looked so shocked and sad that my maternal instinct kicked in, and I rushed over to them.
Wrapping them into a hug, I squeezed their heads to me, letting them cling to me. “I’m so sorry this happened, kiddo.” There weren’t any other words to say, so I just held them both, and Jude finally broke down into tears, letting out his shock and grief.
“Can I see him?” he asked after we’d stood there for a few minutes. I pulled back and wiped the tears from his face, searching his eyes.
“Are you sure you want to? It will be the last image you have of him.” As much as I wanted to protect him from this, I knew I couldn’t make the decision for him. He had to choose if he wanted to or not. He glanced over at Imogen and then back to me, biting his lip.
“I… I think I want to. I just need to know. He deserves that much from me.”
Nodding, Imogen and I grasped his hands as we walked over to the body lying near the SUV. Topher stood there talking with Atticus. They noticed us as we approached, and Atticus stepped away, coming to me.
“Hey, I wouldn’t go any further. The police are on their way and will take care of it. How about you guys head home in the car we came in, and I’ll head back with Topher?”
Jude shook his head, a determined look on his face. “I want to say goodbye. Please, Atticus.”
My husband regarded him, calculating every little sign to determine if this was something he could withstand. He looked over at me at the end, almost like he was asking my permission. A tiny sense of warmth filled me at that.