The fear inside me escaped, and I asked the first honest question. It wasn’t that I was damaged or not good enough; those were just easy excuses to take away the responsibility of having to own up to my choices. And those scared me. I didn’t know how to live in this ambiguity. I didn’t know how to handle not having control and caring about someone so good.
Topher watched me as I debated with myself, before finally lifting one shoulder. “What if you do? Nothing in life is guaranteed, man. You know that more than anyone. Every day could be our last. Our lives are dangerous, and that’s the truth. Every second is a hair fracture away from being in our favor or not. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t live it to the fullest. If you live in fear of what you're going to lose, you never appreciate what you have. Life’s about a culmination of moments. Don’t miss out on them because they’re not perfect, or you’re worried it could all go away tomorrow. That’s what makes them perfect to me. The futility of life is a gift that should be cherished, not feared.”
“When did you become so wise?”
He shrugged that one shoulder again, a small smile on his face. “Standing against walls gives someone a lot of time to think.”
Snorting, I nodded in acknowledgment of what he said and made my way out of the warehouse. Topher was right about the family. They had changed in so many small ways. Even the reality that we had prisoners was a change. The Reaper would’ve just killed them. But thankfully, Atticus had a better mind and knew they could be useful. So he kept them.
Though, the same couldn't be said for his uncle. He was too polished, too seasoned, and it would’ve taken a long time to break him—time we didn't have.
It was also a risk we couldn’t afford. His silver tongue and promises of fortunes could sway anyone, and he would’ve escaped. That wasn’t a risk worth it. So, Joel, Mason, and Cameron occupied cells, and Uncle Seth had met a different fate.
Stepping out into the sun, I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the brightness. Tilting my head up, I stood still, feeling the warmth on my face. I tried to remember that good things could happen without something bad happening around the corner. Loren had taught me that, and I needed to honor her knowledge and expertise, even if it was out of my comfort zone.
Slinging my leg over my bike, I revved the engine as I tossed on my helmet and skidded out of the warehouse lot. Without even thinking about it, I found my way to Pops, inwardly knowing he was the one I needed to see. Pops understood me, this life, and had a way of saying things that resonated. He’d be able to straighten my head or at least point me in the right direction.
The bell over the door jingled as I walked in, a few of the guys nodded when they saw me. I kept walking, not in the mood for chitchat. Though, to be fair, I never was unless it was Loren. I’d listen to her read the fucking obituaries and still want to hear more.
And therein lay my problem. Loren was my whole world, and I didn’t know how to function anymore. I would get someone killed if I didn’t find a way out of this mind trap I’d found myself a prisoner of.
“Saxon Wessex, you look like someone stole your favorite bike, but since I heard that beast a mile away, that can’t be it. Sit, tell me what’s troubling you, son.”
With a large exhale, I folded my large frame down into his tiny chair and felt the weight of everything lift slightly. Pops had been the right call. Rubbing my hands on my thighs, I clenched my fingers back into fists, lifting my head.
“For the first time since I was a little boy, I’m scared, Pops. I’m so fucking scared, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
The words fell effortlessly from my tongue, and when I lifted my head to meet his eyes, I expected to find a grim look; instead, I found a smile on Pop's weathered face.
“It’s about time you opened yourself up to someone.”
“That’s all you have to say? I came here for help!”
Pops snorted, shaking his head. The pen he had in his left hand flipped over as he tapped it against the desk. “You have the answer, son. You don’t need me to tell you.”
“Wow, and here I thought you’d be some form of emotional comfort.” Huffing, I slouched back, the chair creaking beneath me. Pops laughed louder, and I regretted coming here. I leveled him with a deadly stare, and he finally held his hands up, calming himself.
“Sorry, it’s just so reminiscent of me. I can’t help but find humor in it now.”
Sitting up, I leaned forward on my thighs. “What did you do, then? Tell me.”
He sighed, looking at me with a look of nostalgia. “What’s your heart telling you, boy?”
“To run away with her and lock her in a tower,” I growled. He gave me a look, not accepting my answer, but I held onto it, not budging.
“And how do things feel when they’re trapped?”
“Safe.”
Pops rolled his eyes. “Dangerous chaos. If you lock away the beautiful creature who has captured your heart, you’ll ruin everything beautiful about her and create something neither of you will be happy with. Fear is unavoidable.”
Slamming my fist on the desk, I didn’t miss the fact he didn’t even flinch. “So everyone keeps telling me, but I find that unacceptable. I can’t do nothing. I can’t.”
“You’re smarter than this, Saxon. You’re so used to protecting everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to enjoy life. Your beautiful flower might be safely locked away, but she’ll wilt right before your eyes. You’d do more damage than anything in this life ever could. Do not fear the bee; fear the honey drying up. Without the bee, we can’t appreciate the sweetness the honey has to offer. Don’t limit yourself, Saxon. The bee is more scared of you than you should ever be of him.”
It was on my tongue to protest, but somehow the way he said it washed over me, soothing away the anxiety and settling into every fiber of my being. Topher’s words mixed in as well, and I knew I was making this bigger than it needed to be.
Taking a breath, I exhaled slowly, meeting his eyes. A look of pride shone in his, a soft smile on his face. I’d never known my father, and Dayton hadn’t been the man I thought he was, but Pops, he looked at me like I’d done something right, and that felt nice.